AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

[YourShyLemonGoose]

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

I'd think twice before dating a father of such a young child.

Of course you do. Ffs it’s like no one has any common sense anymore.

Awful, this is one of the reasons I don’t think 5050 can work well. No one takes the lead on things. Children need a leader.

But we are told, constantly, men hide who they are there are no red flags

You have better options than this man!

You’re unreasonable thinking you have any right whatsoever to think your boyfriend is being too ‘soft’ with his daughter. They’re bonded by blood, why do you think you matter more than that relationship?

@wishfulthinking25 Because she has a relationship with the dad and is concerned. She’s right to be concerned. Just because they are “bonded by blood” doesn’t make him an amazing dad. I’d be weighing up my future with him. He’s just lacking in parenting skills and op is right to think about this and her future.

@YourShyLemonGoose please think deeply about what I am going to say as if you stay it will become the truth and you won’t be happy.

You have recognised issues with your oh’s parenting. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. As time goes on it will be different circumstances but same kind of responses from him. When you challenge his ways he will defend them and you’ll end up arguing a lot (he might accept your challenges now but in time he will fight you).

This child is being taught by him - she rules the home. This is MASSIVE and if it’s not corrected NOW at her age and moving on, you will have a child fighting you for her dad’s attention nd she will ALWAYS win, you will ALWAYS be second place to her in a way she sees and uses to her advantage (not her fault).

You want dc well, I hope you are aware your own dc’s rules will not apply to her. Your OH will tell you it’s different for her as she doesn’t live there/ can’t help it/ needs to feel loved etc etc.

Op please really think before ttc with this man. Think if you split- when he has your dc he won’t work with you just like he’s not working with 6 y-o’s mom.

Sorry but please get away before it’s too late.

No judgement but I genuinely could not think of any man who I would move in with after 10 months, or in all honesty who I would even date when he had a two year old. Unsurprisingly he’s not a great dad, because if he was, he wouldn’t be moving in a new girlfriend and planning another baby so soon.

Do you, but objectively this is unlikely to end well for any of you, including the poor child who has no say in it whatsoever.

@spirah The DD is 3 not 6. Not potty trained and dad making no effort. Op maybe should step in here. However the 50:50 arrangement is not helping this child. She needs consistent parenting, and she’s not getting it.

Yup. It came out of nowhere. Every time. Never any clues.

Probably more than a lot of parents you don't magically know it all just because you had a kid 😂 😂 also kids spend more time at school than home it's usually teachers that notice things First

So a first time Dad can't put boundaries in place for his child!

Id not be with somebody who wouldn't parent.

I get your point but I think a lot of it comes down to the whole split parenting thing. I’m sure he feels guilty / like he needs to overcompensate etc. not that I think he should be doing any of that and it needs to stop but I can at least see where it comes from.

I think that parenting together when you’re both in the same household will be a lot easier

You make some good points here I think :/

Yeah I’m not ready for the teenage years at all! She can already be enough of a brat sometimes as it is 😩

I mean she’s 3 years 7 months so they should probably be encouraging the potty a bit more than they do!

i think parenting when you both live together is completely different to when you’re separated and there’s negative history with her mother etc.

My income and how I support myself is none of your business thank you.

Absolutely this. While I can understand why you get Disney Dads (guilt, fear of losing contact etc) its VERY hard to witness and live with, if you're the partner.

It’s not but I know a fair amount about child development, where they should be when starting school, parenting techniques etc.

I agree. I have a lot of understanding and empathy for him. I think he just needs some gentle nudges etc.

He did say the other day “we should give potty training another go at some point” (as in me and him). I was like I’ll support of course but that’s something you need to discuss with her mother about!

Yeah her teeth aren’t in the best shape already bless her. They’re clean and cared for but definitely some orthodontics going to be needed when she’s older!