AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

[YourShyLemonGoose]

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

Not being potty trained by 3 is pretty bad so I put yanbu for that.
do you have examples though of what he lets her do or let slide?

It's not coming from a place of love but from a desire to avoid confrontation. This won't improve.

This is a spot on way of articulating it

Oh stop being silly, the child is 3.

He’s a Disney dad because he’s scared of confrontation or feels guilt at not being with her mum. There’s a lot to unpack here which i think is why you’ve posted. It’s not about his parenting is it? It’s more that you don’t think this is going to work out. Listen to your inner voice op.

You recognise that you need to be aligned on parenting, and you recognise that you're not aligned... and then in a later post you say you're still intending to TTC with him? Make it make sense.

This is a really fundamental incompatibility.

Why the fuck would you want children with this man? He’s already shown you how he parents and it’s crap!

cut your losses on this one and move on.

Unless she has medical needs etc, most kids are potty trained by this stage. If you're a teacher/TA, you'll know a lot more than someone who has simply procreated, and you'll know how many parents can't be bothered potty training and leave it to the teacher.
It's everyone's business if parents are lazy, because that spoilt kid is going to grow up and be everyone's problem. Just like when kids run round cafes and the parents get mad when people complain and say it's not up to you to discipline their kid, well no, it shouldn't be, but if the parents can't be bothered, what should happen.

Well then sounds like you would be a better match for the OP than her current boyfriend.

Your bf's daughter is being held behind developmentally because of his lack of parenting and it will harm her in the case of using bottles of milk at night. She's using a bottle still and she's still in diapers. These are significant red flags and maybe it's time for an assessment for her. Has she regressed since you moved in? If you're a TA, you should be aware of normal childhood development. Do you want him to do this with your child, undermine you when you try to teach your child age appropriate skills and give in to toddler wishes to make his life easy? Or maybe he'll just leave you to do it all. If you want an involved parent, he's not that.

How would a childless teaching assistant know a lot more about parenting a 3 year old than that 3yrs actual parent?

Classes in early childhood development, besides working with many kids.

clearly this dad doesn't know much about how to parent with effective calm boundaries or move his daughter on to appropriate behavioural stages for her age, so parenting one child doesn't tell you much. it is different being a TA but I'm pretty sure the OP will have seen the gamut of parenting.

I think the difficulty here, OP, is that you've moved in and are planning a family whilst knowing he's a pretty useless dad. If you decide to stay and carry on, it'll be you parenting, with him ineffectively being the 'fun' dad which won't be fun at all for you, but that's the choice, you've seen it now with your own eyes, he's a lazy parent.

Well no, I’m heterosexual and happily married. We have our family life all sorted.

She’s not a baby! She’s not even a toddler! Little girls are not always bossy. That’s poor parenting. Yes, she should behave better than she is doing. In general, a three-year-old should be toilet trained.

You have been given something many women are not given: the opportunity to see what kind of father your children's putative father will be. Now you know, because you've seen it with your own eyes. What you do with that information is up to you.

What you must do is leave the father to it. That means hours of looking on and keeping silent.

On toilet training, consistency, persistence and the parent communicating confidence in a low-key way that the child is able to learn are key. Stopping and starting is confusing for the child. The older a child gets, the more independent they become and the less notice they take of what their parents want. It's one of the reasons too many children arrive in reception in pull-ups.

Why are you planning to have a child with a man you have only known just over a year???

Do not do it. You don’t even really know each other properly

Just get out now OP. This is too much baggage right for you.

It’s Disney Dad 101 I’m afraid and will only get worse if you can’t have an open and honest conversation.

If you bite your tongue and leave it, you’re faced with years ahead of you feeling resentment towards both your partner and his child so it needs to be addressed.

OP, unless you are positive that his daughter will become a joy to be around whenever she is with you (does not sound like it - and consider that she will be his daughter all her life and circumstances may change and she may come to live with you full time) why oh why would you tie yourself to him now that you have seen the writing on the wall?

This all seems like terrible decision making
Your partner introducing his child to you so early, never mind you moving in to their home!
He can't have been broken up from the mother for very long at all
And now you both want to TTC...why so soon?? Is it an age thing?
You must barely know each other.
If he's a crap dad with his current kid (and he sounds crap), he's going to be worse when he has a new baby and a preschooler demanding his attention.
I think you need to take a step back and look at your decision making

You want to have a child with a man who shares fundamentally different parenting styles to you? Oh that'll work out well! 😂

Since when is 3 not a toddler ? And you do know people can say baby to mean really young?
And yes bossiness can be part of personality traits, bore off with your judgment
Girls are sassy, they’re a different kettle of fish to boys, I know as I have 2 of them and one boy, i also grew up with 2 sisters and 1 brother, there’s a definite difference

I think you need to thrash this out now before you have a child. It’s only going to get worse.