DH blames me for DDs behaviour

[Plastictreesofgold]

Me and DH are married 10 years we have one DD6. She is smart and funny she does well at school/sports has loads of friends etc but like most 6 year olds she can be hard work at home sometimes. She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

Somehow DH blames this on me.

Today DH collected DD from school as he was off I wfh so would usually have her snack ready when they get home and would come down from work for a few mins when she gets in to see how her day was but I couldn't do that today as an urgent work call was scheduled during that time
I asked DH to explain that to DD on the way home (as previously she has had a loud meltdown when I was unexpectedly not available when she got home).
Anyway when my call finished at 4 I went down and DD ran to give me a big hug and squeeze I asked her a few questions about her day and she told me a couple of stories about school.
I noticed DH in a bit of a sulk and when we were alone he said she hadn't told him anything about school and had been snapping at him/being disrespectful. He told me that it was my fault because I made him the bearer of bad news (because he had to tell I was on a work call and would be unavailable)
He told me thar I need to have a chat with her about how she treats him.

Dd has always had a strong preference for me but if I'm honest I think DH without realising it can come across as constantly criticising and negative e.g coming in from work and the first thing he will say is "turn down the music" "pick up those toys" etc rather than having a nice interaction with her first after not seeing her all day. He does it to me also.

I don't think he's being reasonable blaming this on me. I will talk to DD later but honestly I think he should be having the conversation as I wasn't even there to see what she said

Young children are usually too tired at the end of a school day to hold much conversation. "Did you have a nice day?", "OK" is usually the most you can ask for until they have had a snack and time to decompress. And it's still very early in the term, so DD will still be settling into her new class with a new teacher and possibly new classmates.
DH should tell her whatever he wants her to know but he also needs to get off his high horse and remember he is the adult in the relationship.

Schoo no where at? It’s bank holiday in UK.

Obviously I'm not in the UK

Not in Scotland where schools start back mid August.

OP why are you planning on having a word with her - surely it’s your dh you need to have a word with?

He caught me off guard so I said I would.

🤦‍♀️

@Plastictreesofgold He needs to take responsability for his relationship with your daughter. My dh is the same. He's grumpy and gets in a mood with our teen boys instead of asking them nicely which just leads to arguments. He thinks I'm too soft but he fails to realise that they respect me and that they don't need to "fear" me in order to comply. We had different upbringings wich can partly explain this.

He sounds a bit childish and unable to be an effective parent when he is sulking/snapping. But … you sound quite indulgent. Having to prepare her for you not being able to hang out after school is a bit much and make it sound like she rules the house with an iron fist. Is she really that unadaptable? When you say ‘meltdown’ do you mean tantrum? Or meltdown as in you think she might be neurodiverse?

He told me thar I need to have a chat with her about how she treats him.

Tell him to talk to DD himself. As her parent it is also his job to parent her.

I will tell you what I told my husband when dad was three because he didn’t want to discipline her over something.

“ok. I will tell her. But if you dip out on parenting properly now, you don’t get a say when she is a stroppy 14 year old. It’s the work that you put in now that will allow you to have influence then.” Dh is a good egg so he got the point,

Why is your daughter so inflexible that she needs to be prepared that mummy isn’t available? She sounds a bit indulged and entitled.

Can you have a chat together as a family and do some family activities together, like play a game together?

Based on what you have said, it could be easy to see your dh as the problem but there may be more to the situation. In your shoes I'd want to work on this together.

You’re not HIS mother FFS. Why would you mediate between them?

I suspect theres a chance she might be neurodiverse my DH is in the process of being diagnosed himself and she is quite similar to him in some ways.
Call it indulging if you want I don't see it that way her tantrum/meltdowns don't last long but are usually loud which I wanted to avoid when I'm on a work call.
Once she has a heads up we can avoid it completely so when I can I try to prepare her if i know shes going to disappointed obviously there are situations that I can't prepare for and that's fine too i just handle the emotions.

As usual you mean England.🙄 It's not a bank holiday here in Scotland .🙄

She's 6, when she's had a long day at school she likes a hug from her mum when she gets home. She is understandably disappointed if she can't get that, her disappointment manifests in crying and loudly vocalising her disappointment " i want mum! Why isnt mum here, its not fair etc etc" for a few minutes until she calms herself. Since I was on a work call and wanted to avoid a loud crying child in the background I opted to give her a heads up in which case I was able to avoid the crying entirely. It's not exactly indulging....

Teaching her to be resilient about change will reap rewards - whether she is neurodiverse or not. Timetables and managing expectations really help but this is a lot of micro management when actually she could do with some coping strategies when things don’t go to plan/what she thought would happen. For example, establish that if you are not available she can chose her own snack and do a jigsaw / watch tv/ trampoline etc until you are available. Build in contingencies that she manages herself - because at the moment, you are centring her and the deep lesson she is receiving is that her needs/wants trump yours and her dads.
Anyway, I don’t really want to meddle I’ve just… been here myself and I wish I had done just what I am describing. Take it as you will! :)

It’s not a bank holiday in Scotland, which is in the U.K.

I have a 6 yo. I frequently get "I can't remember" when asked what she did at school but other people get insights.
I asked her if she enjoyed sports day in the summer term and despite me definitely seeing her compete as part of sports day 1h earlier I was told that she hadn't done sports day ... When dad got home he got the full story.

I have a WhatsApp group with half a dozen other mums and it genuinely takes a mismash of all of the childrens interpretation of the day to figure out what they have done.

The highlight of this was one day where one child came home saying they had spent the day being wrapped in toilet paper and another said the teacher was talking about some kings get turned into mummy's..... It was of course a lesson in the Egyptians.

I think it is worth reminding your daughter that you would love to be there every day when she came home from school but it's important that you work and that you will be there as often as you can and that when you can't you will come down once you are able.

There was a BBc article today on talking to children after school in a way that gets more of a response - who made you laugh etc. I definitely get more from my daughter after we have had a sit down and settled into the home space. We don't get a lot on the walk home

I find this really interesting. My husband has never been able to separate me from our children i.e. if he’s upset/cross with them, I bear the brunt of it too. When I call him out on it he denies it but it’s been a consistent theme over the last 21 years. He too is neurodiverse.

@Plastictreesofgold No need to apologize for you DD. she's 6, fgs. Ignore all the critical and judging replies.

Kids often release all their pent up frustrations, hurts, anger etc once they are in their safe place where they know they are loved unconditionally.

This is not a parenting fail. 🙄

I wonder if people judging here have never
"reacted disrespectfully, shouted or gave snappy/rude answers to significant others/anyone if tired/hungry/frustrated."

Tell your husband he can get in the bin with shite comments and accusations like that.

Frankly, it sounds like he lacks parenting skills, knowledge about child development and compassion, empathy and understanding for his own daughter, not to mention a lack of respect for you.

Tell him his relationship with his daughter is his responsibility and not yours.

So let me get this straight giving her a heads up that I won't be there is micro managing her? Mumsnet is wild lol
If I can't attend a pre arranged coffee with a friend I'd text them in advance to let them know. If I can't make a call in work I'd let the attendees know. It's good manners to let people know in advance.

My DD was absolutely fine, she did colouring and watched a cartoon until I came down she's well able to manage without me. The point was my DH interpreted her silence as rudness but as others have pointed out most 6 year olds aren't that chatty straight after school. But thanks for your input.

I can’t imagine even thinking that I would have to pre-warn a six year old that things at home may not quite run like clockwork. She should not ‘have a meltdown’ because her mother isn’t available.

Id probably give her a cuddle initially and then be sterner and tell her that her screaming the house down and being rude to DH was completely unacceptable. You are on a work call and her behaviour just because mummy isnt there right then and there is not ok. You don't need to shout but you do absolutely need to make sure she realises this behaviour is not ok.