DH blames me for DDs behaviour

[Plastictreesofgold]

Me and DH are married 10 years we have one DD6. She is smart and funny she does well at school/sports has loads of friends etc but like most 6 year olds she can be hard work at home sometimes. She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

Somehow DH blames this on me.

Today DH collected DD from school as he was off I wfh so would usually have her snack ready when they get home and would come down from work for a few mins when she gets in to see how her day was but I couldn't do that today as an urgent work call was scheduled during that time
I asked DH to explain that to DD on the way home (as previously she has had a loud meltdown when I was unexpectedly not available when she got home).
Anyway when my call finished at 4 I went down and DD ran to give me a big hug and squeeze I asked her a few questions about her day and she told me a couple of stories about school.
I noticed DH in a bit of a sulk and when we were alone he said she hadn't told him anything about school and had been snapping at him/being disrespectful. He told me that it was my fault because I made him the bearer of bad news (because he had to tell I was on a work call and would be unavailable)
He told me thar I need to have a chat with her about how she treats him.

Dd has always had a strong preference for me but if I'm honest I think DH without realising it can come across as constantly criticising and negative e.g coming in from work and the first thing he will say is "turn down the music" "pick up those toys" etc rather than having a nice interaction with her first after not seeing her all day. He does it to me also.

I don't think he's being reasonable blaming this on me. I will talk to DD later but honestly I think he should be having the conversation as I wasn't even there to see what she said

Ok do it your way.

She didn't scream at all what are you talking about?

Some people have just made up their minds that all children are brats with laxist parents. Feel free to ignore.😉

You did sat she had previously shouted disrespectfully and had an extremely loud meltdown though.

You should be singing frim the same hymn sheet. If she is used to being picked up by you she may have been disappointed. This is not a reason for rudeness, nor is bring hungry or tired To avoid isdues she needs to be told how the afternoon will pan out in the .morning. I would speak to your husband to say he needs to speak to her about her behaviour. If necessary discuss it beforehand so you are able to show a united front.

Tell him it's his job to deal with it if she's rude and disrespectful on his watch! Why should you be the one to step in and tell her off? Most children are a bit tired/grumpy/hangry straight after school, it's his job as the parent to manage that when he's looking after her. Instead of having a word with your daughter, maybe you should have a word with him about how he interacts with her?

Dh is a man child. Why can’t he make a nice snack?

Children are different and therefore (shock horror to some posters) require different parenting methods. If she is neurodiverse it's not a massive leap to say she may have a pda profile which needs to be managed differently and which to the unaware can appear like "pandering".

But by all means, previous posters know everything and would choose to have constant battles about every little thing rather than calmly give their dc a heads up if plans might change. As the op said they also do if plans with a friend may change.

Aside from this though, of course dh should be parenting his child when you are working op and he is awful to blame you for a child's behaviour. People (kids included) are responsible for their own behaviour. Except for dh's behaviour of course which is presumably also your fault.

Yes like last year... why would I bring that up with her now?

I don’t know, you are the one who mentioned it.

To provide context that she was warned to ensure it didn't happen again. Not to talk to her about it?

The person who replied said I needed to."sit my DD down and talk to her about screaming the house down today" I said "she didn't scream today" so what was the point of your response?

When you’re not going to be available is there anywhere he could go with her, like a garden centre for a drink/look round or a park, library etc and they could just hang out together? It’d do wonders for their relationship and if they didn’t get home until your meeting had finished you could ask her about her nice time with daddy instead of her day at school, which would reinforce the good things they’d done together?

There's loads of places, playground, parks cafe nearby when I'm collecting her on Fridays we always do something after school, I will suggest it to DH but doubt he'd want to.

I’m assuming that if she was ‘rude’ to you on your watch and you demanded your husband fix it he’d look at you like you’d just arrived from Mars? He sounds a bit precious. Of course bad behaviour can’t be allowed to slide, but at 6 years old she doesn’t need to be made to feel like she’s responsible for his ego, either. I had to walk on eggshells around a step father who perceived anything other than fawning as ‘rudeness’, and that started out a lot like this. He needs to deal with it himself, but he also needs to remember her age and adjust his expectations accordingly.

Sounds like he needs to spend more time with her. Presumably you normally do the school run. Can you not share it equally so she then sees him as someone to spend time with and chat about her day with rather than making do until you become available.

DH mostly collects her as he works shift/weekends. I'm 9-5 so can only do it occasionally.

This really is a non issue well it should be but somehow the both of you have made it into a major ordeal

Did DH give her a snack when they came in?

Yes he made her a snack. Enlighten me as to how I've made it into a "major ordeal"?

Neither the other posters post or your post said ‘today’.

You said she had shouted disrespectfully and had had a loud meltdown previously. You didn’t say it was a year ago.

The poster said
Id probably give her a cuddle initially and then be sterner and tell her that her screaming the house down and being rude to DH was completely unacceptable. You are on a work call and her behaviour just because mummy isnt there right then and there is not ok. You don't need to shout but you do absolutely need to make sure she realises this behaviour is not ok.

which seems fair enough as it’s not OK.

I agree with this OP. It sounds like your DD is in charge and your husband is struggling with pandering to her moods. I would struggle to have a positive interaction with a child who was constantly rude and disrespectful as well. Why do you enable that behaviour? Why do you feel like she needs to be prepped because you can’t run down and serve her as soon as she gets home?

But why would I sit my DD down and talk about that when it happened a year ago?

I obviously had a conversation with DD about her behaviour on the day it happened ... but why on earth would I bring that up again now? It makes absolutely no sense.
She didn't scream the house down today, she quietly coloured and watched a cartoon. I didnt see or hear her misbehave at all.

When I make a plan to meet someone and then at the last minute I can't make the meeting or am going to be late I let that person know in advance rather than have them show up and be confused or disappointed.... its basic good manners.

But that is a completely different context to your child coming home as usual and her mum not being able to come down to her for 30 minutes because she’s working. You know that, so why are you still arguing with everybody?

And basic good manners also includes not screaming and crying when you don’t get your own way. So maybe focus on teaching your daughter that rather than running around her to try and make sure she is never upset or put out by very standard, normal aspects of life.