DH blames me for DDs behaviour

[Plastictreesofgold]

Me and DH are married 10 years we have one DD6. She is smart and funny she does well at school/sports has loads of friends etc but like most 6 year olds she can be hard work at home sometimes. She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

Somehow DH blames this on me.

Today DH collected DD from school as he was off I wfh so would usually have her snack ready when they get home and would come down from work for a few mins when she gets in to see how her day was but I couldn't do that today as an urgent work call was scheduled during that time
I asked DH to explain that to DD on the way home (as previously she has had a loud meltdown when I was unexpectedly not available when she got home).
Anyway when my call finished at 4 I went down and DD ran to give me a big hug and squeeze I asked her a few questions about her day and she told me a couple of stories about school.
I noticed DH in a bit of a sulk and when we were alone he said she hadn't told him anything about school and had been snapping at him/being disrespectful. He told me that it was my fault because I made him the bearer of bad news (because he had to tell I was on a work call and would be unavailable)
He told me thar I need to have a chat with her about how she treats him.

Dd has always had a strong preference for me but if I'm honest I think DH without realising it can come across as constantly criticising and negative e.g coming in from work and the first thing he will say is "turn down the music" "pick up those toys" etc rather than having a nice interaction with her first after not seeing her all day. He does it to me also.

I don't think he's being reasonable blaming this on me. I will talk to DD later but honestly I think he should be having the conversation as I wasn't even there to see what she said

Right, but you didn’t say it was a year ago till after the poster posted.

Look, I’ve been a reception teacher for thirty years. A six year old should not be reacting like she did because her mother can’t give her a snack when she gets home. She should not be rude and disrespectful because things are not to her liking.

A father should not have to look to his wife to manage his own child’s behaviour. He shouldn’t be criticising you or his daughter. In fact both of them seem to think everything should be just so and you seem to have to be the one facilitating it.

He sounds like a twat.

And your daughter needs to understand that you are at work. She shouldn’t be crying ‘I want mum’ and so on. You are clearly worried that this is something that could happen, even though it was a year ago, because that’s why you told him to prepare her. Maybe you shouldn’t come downstairs at all until you are finished work completely. Then he can employ his own tactics.

DH shouldn’t have had to prepare your 6yo for the fact that you’d be in a meeting and not immediately available when she walked through the door. Her attitude is probably because she was upset and took it out on her dad but it should never have been something he had to do in the first place.

However as she did have an attitude with him then he’s the one who needs to deal with that, he doesn’t get to palm it off on you.

No it's not. Every day she's at school I come down and see her when she gets in. It's a routine we have, I give her a big hug and give her a snack it takes absolute max 10 mins.

I told DD this morning that I'd see her when she got home and then due to an unforeseen work call I couldn't do that so I asked DH to let DD know that in advance. Its basic decency.

She didn't scream, she didn't kick off, she coloured and watched a TV show. DH took her quietness as being rude but that's it. So clearly she was well able to manage.

It’s not basic decency, it’s turning a normal everyday event (mum is stuck in work) into a big drama that she needs to be prepared for in advance.

This. Throwing a toddler tantrum because you aren’t instantly at her beck and call is pathetic at her age.

Well technically she was 5 last year, but yes obviously everything in parenting is informed by past experiences. She wasn't rude or disrespectful today, my DH took it that way just because she didn't answer his questions about school but a quick look at the responses will tell you that kids need time after school to decompress.
My DD looks forward to a quick hug from her mum when she gets in after school she's 6 years old it's not going to be this way forever.

What exactly were you expecting from this thread? Does the fact that most of us do not agree with you not tell you something?

Lol How is it a big drama? It's literally just telling her that mum's on a call so she can't come down like she usually does.
If I'm stuck late on a call past 5 il always text DH aswel to let him know I'm running late.... is that a big drama also? Mumsnet is hilarious sometimes

Are you bad at maths? Just look at the poll... 82% of the people think I'm being reasonable so you're in the minority I'm afraid.

I think you should sit your DH down when DD won’t interrupt you, and tell him that you’ve had a chance to think about his instructions (because they certainly weren’t requests) and, as a pp has suggested, tell him that the quality of his relationship with DD is on him to manage. Tell him that him passing on the message that you were unavailable had nothing to do with her behaviour, bar ensuring it didn’t deteriorate, and that it’s very clear what the problem is, so if he wants some pointers you’ll be keen to provide them.

Otherwise, he might want to bear in mind that he is a husband and a father, not a drill sergeant, and you and DD are his wife and daughter, not new recruits.

Because she doesn’t need to be told that you’re on a call - just like your DH doesn’t need to be told that you’re running a bit late in a meeting.

She’s six - she should know that you’re not always available and that sometimes you’ll be busy when she gets home - it’s not something that needs a conversation from dad.

Failing to respond to DH’s questions is actually rude and disrespectful. I’m surprised you can’t see that. If you tolerate her treating you that way it makes DH the bad guy when he insists on manners. Little kids might be tired and not overly chatty immediately after school but actually ignoring someone is just rude and it is your (plural) job to teach her that.

Well that's a bizarre take.
Whether they "need" to know or not I like to let people know if I'm going to be late.
So sue me.

He gets out what he puts in, surely? Sounds like you and your DD have a lovely bond, esp if she's excited to tell you about her day. This isn't your 'fault'! His grumpy over you knowing how to avoid a trigger is childish.

If your husband wants all the excitement then he should put in the effort and also get to know his daughter a bit more. It's not rocket science is it? Kind mum or grumpy, nagging dad.. I wonder who she'd want to spend time with.

Your original question was about whether you ought to be responsible for managing your husband’s relationship with your child, to which most people have quite rightly said you are not responsible, thus agreeing with you on that point.

However, a lot of posters are now making the additional point that the way you are responding to your daughter needs to be reconsidered, which was not the original point of your thread, but is clearly something a lot of us have picked up on. And your subsequent very defensive posts are what most of us are not agreeing with, as you well know.

But nice try on attempting to deflect. So on the one hand you are right: you are not responsible for managing your husband’s relationship with your daughter. And on the other you’re wrong: you need to stop enabling your daughter’s poor behaviour and allowing her to rule the roost. Based on your responses here, I can certainly understand your husband’s frustration.

Really? On what planet? A conversation with dad stops the shouting and looking for mum when she's in a meeting. How can you find fault with this? Same as any member of the family isn't it, no matter the age 'mum's on a call, don't disturb'.

Lol she didn't not respond she just didn't give big detailed answers like almost every kid.... how was school today? "Fine" what did you do? "Nothing" and then you'll get a picture from the teacher of them holding a Lizard or something mad it's literally parenting 101..... he was angry because when I arrived down a couple of hours later she was chatty mc chatterson with me but she'd had time to decompress by then.

Children always tend to gravitate towards the person who sets the fewest boundaries. That’s not a good thing.

This is a huge pile on over nothing, ah, that's mumsnet for you. Any chance to pick pick pick.

They also gravitate to the kind one.
My parents were that. Both same rules, boundaries. Mum was fun, dad wasn't.

Guess who we all loved?
You have no idea on any boundaries set by the OP.

You seem pretty determined to believe that your child is a little angel, but the reality is she has form for throwing her toys out of the pram she should have outgrown several years ago when she doesn’t have you on tap the second she arrives home. You sound terrified pf her reactions.
This should be a quick point of information - mum is still working, she’ll be done soon. Water or orange juice?
But as it clearly isn’t, try some role play when she is calm, Make them pretend they are walking home, then dad says you won’t be there for 40 mins. Now get her to do what she does next.
Make it exaggerated and silly. Anything to nip this in the bud.

The fact that you say in an earlier post: “a conversation with dad stops the shouting” says it all. So don’t teach a child not to shout and tantrum, just tiptoe around them instead? What lazy parenting. Anything to not be the bad guy and actually instil some discipline.

But the OP and her husband don’t have the same rules and boundaries. That’s kind of the point.

Schools in Scotland have been back for a couple of weeks. And it’s a bank holiday in England and Wales (?) - again, not Scotland.

You need to tell your Dh that he is responsible for his relationship with DD, not you. Do not let him make you the go between, or it will never end!