DH blames me for DDs behaviour

[Plastictreesofgold]

Me and DH are married 10 years we have one DD6. She is smart and funny she does well at school/sports has loads of friends etc but like most 6 year olds she can be hard work at home sometimes. She can sometimes react disrespectfully shout and give snappy/rude answers to me and DH usually if she is tired/hungry/frustrated.

Somehow DH blames this on me.

Today DH collected DD from school as he was off I wfh so would usually have her snack ready when they get home and would come down from work for a few mins when she gets in to see how her day was but I couldn't do that today as an urgent work call was scheduled during that time
I asked DH to explain that to DD on the way home (as previously she has had a loud meltdown when I was unexpectedly not available when she got home).
Anyway when my call finished at 4 I went down and DD ran to give me a big hug and squeeze I asked her a few questions about her day and she told me a couple of stories about school.
I noticed DH in a bit of a sulk and when we were alone he said she hadn't told him anything about school and had been snapping at him/being disrespectful. He told me that it was my fault because I made him the bearer of bad news (because he had to tell I was on a work call and would be unavailable)
He told me thar I need to have a chat with her about how she treats him.

Dd has always had a strong preference for me but if I'm honest I think DH without realising it can come across as constantly criticising and negative e.g coming in from work and the first thing he will say is "turn down the music" "pick up those toys" etc rather than having a nice interaction with her first after not seeing her all day. He does it to me also.

I don't think he's being reasonable blaming this on me. I will talk to DD later but honestly I think he should be having the conversation as I wasn't even there to see what she said

People here are being twats, OP. You have a routine and today things were going to be different, it’s not unreasonable for a parent to let her know that in advance to avoid them being upset. Plenty of six year olds would have an emotional reaction to a routine change if unexpected and tired and hungry after a long day at school.

Your husband is being a dick saying you “made him the bad guy” just because he had to deal with a disappointed child

Believe it or not, not all children come in quietly, esp 6 year olds. All children can come in noisy, pleased to be home, hyped after their day, can't wait to see mum, tell her about it or whatever. Six year olds don't sit demurely the moment they come home as a general rule, they are still very excitable as their brains are still developing and not yet in check with their emotions 100% of the time.

Who's tiptoed? Who's not disciplining here? Lazy parenting? Really? Where? You do like to pick pick pick - there's nothing but presumptions.

Your six year old rather sounds as if she rules the roost, and you over indulge her. I'd be addressing that pronto. She's six, not one.

I was more focused on the tantrums.

Would it be beneficial if you all sat down together and talked, and you can see how DH communicates with DD?

Is he actually pleasant to communicate with? Are these conversations relaxed?

Some people can come across as fairly aggressive and project quite an agitated/intense vibe, even if they're "technically" being polite.

They find it hard to slow down and read non-verbal cues.

They ask quick-fire questions over and over again and then get disproportionately upset if the person they're talking to doesn't respond the way they want.

Even as an adult it's unpleasant interacting with people who are too intense.

You're making things up to have a pop at the OP's parenting.
Very strange behaviour.

And you didn't listen to the answer regarding a 6 year olds developmental behaviour.

Tantrum - once, last year while the OP was on a work call, the OP said.
So you had a go at the OP for having a parenting method to avoid any tantrums for the future.

Why?

It's not usual either. And many parents wouldn't tolerate it

The OP literally started a thread because her and her husband have different rules and boundaries. It’s right there in black and white. I will not be responding to you again because you seem to be having difficulties with comprehension.

Convenient.
Stop picking on people over nothing, it's very dull behaviour and besides it wasn't even the basis of the OP's thread despite what you say.

The Scottish schools have been back at least a week, some went back as early as 12th August. The August Bank Holiday Monday isn't a holiday in Scotland, except for banks.

I didn't see this post. Tbh if your DH is displaying enough ND traits that he's seeking an adult diagnosis, I suspect this may be the root of the matter?

He's not cognitively able to join the dots between his behaviour and how he comes across and her relationship with him.

He may have an idea of the "correct" way he wants her to behave, or see other daughters enjoying chatting to their dads, but he can't see that him being pernickety means she's less likely to relax with him.

He thinks it's "unfair" she has a closer relationship with you.

He wants her to have exactly the same "relaxed conversation" as she has with you. But in order to crave a hug and a chat, she has to feel safe with him and she probably doesn't.

You see this often in adult ND people - they can be verbally intense and don't really put others at ease (whether it's asking interrogation style questions, or being contrarian or hypercritical). Then there's upset because others zone out or avoid them.

Sorry that's a bit mad. Kids coming home from school are tired and a bit grumpy Usually. Also very normal to have a favourite parent when tired ill etc.

Yes it is. She's 6, she's still learning to control her emotions - that's what the development stage is for 6 year olds. Also, I am never ever going to think a six year old, excited to see her mum is a bad thing, only on MN eh.

And tolerate? Lol, why do you think she wanted her husband to tell her child before hand? To avoid it. What's better? To warn her then it's no issue and all calm or punish her severely for being a six year old when it was all avoidable in a kind manner? The daughter, no doubt will grow up, learn how to control herself and I daresay the teenage years of barely grunting at her parents when she comes home will be here soon enough!

My friends son went through a phase at about 6 or 7 where he shouted all the way home and she couldn't do a damn thing about it only let it run. She thought it might be not eating at lunch but school confirmed he was eating fine. She was very embarrassed. Eventually it settled down. School never saw it. It was specifically an after school thing. He was a little neurodiverse and just overwrought from masking and behaviour coming out with the safe parent.
My daughter used to do similar to OPs-:but not talking to me then later call her father and have an animated conversation.
OPs husband doesn't realise this is normal and not personal.

Seems the only person controlling things here is the 6 year old. Where is the parenting in all of this? Being told her mum is not immediately available when she gets home shouldn’t provoke a meltdown, and I would be telling her if it did, privileges that evening would be withdrawn. Sounds like the dd is in charge.

That is also a bit mad. Blimey I'm wondering about the well being of little girls listening to all this

Where is the parenting in all of this?

Haven't heard that one in a while. 🙄🥱

I think the question is, Who is the adult here?

>DH in a bit of a sulk and when we were alone he said she hadn't told him anything about school

>He told me that it was my fault because I made him the bearer of bad news (because he had to tell I was on a work call and would be unavailable)

>DH without realising it can come across as constantly criticising and negative e.g coming in from work and the first thing he will say is "turn down the music" "pick up those toys" etc rather than having a nice interaction with her

Yes this

But, as a mum of similar aged children myself, you do need to be giving her the chance to correct that behaviour herself. She knows not to yell and scream when she doesn’t get her own way, so instead of compensating every time with heads up and diffusing techniques, you’re going to need to start just expecting her to follow instruction. Being tired/hungry does affect behaviour but it doesn’t make that behaviour right.

Mine still misbehave and yell, it’s normal at that age, and they get told off when they do so and reminded to talk rather than scream and to try to understand mummy and daddy’s perspectives. You’re not helping her by avoiding disappointment. Disappointment is a normal phenomenon and she needs to start learning how to react to that.

It doesn’t sound like a ND meltdown, it sounds like a very typical reaction from a child who hasn’t yet been taught boundaries around handling negative emotions.

You probably asked the right questions. At 6 asking how was school or what did you do today can be overwhelming but more precise questions can be easier.
As others have said she probably was tired and then the change of dad picking her up threw her.
Suggest he maybe reads some parenting books, especially those especially for father's parenting daughters.

But, what about the husband's behaviour and attitude? Surely that is the larger issue?

OMG the people in this thread!!! Warning your child on your way home from school that the person who she usually sees when she gets home isn’t available because she’s on an important work call seems very sensible!

She didn't scream the house down though. OP's DH was annoyed because she gave OP a big hug when she came down after her call and she hadn't done that to him. He told OP that their DD had been a bit snappy with him, not that she'd had a melt-down.