I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

You want to tell her to punish him, so you are going to do it in a painful way. Don’t do it. If you could tell her to be kind then I’d say go ahead, but you’re just dragging this woman into your mess

@OP To sum up: you want revenge because you're a woman scorned.

You chose to risk your marriage and you're angry because your AP hasn't chosen you.

If this is for real, you're utterly selfish.

You are blaming him and wanting his wife to suffer for your infidelity as if it was all his fault? Both of you made a choice. It was an equal transaction. Tell your husband before you get vindictive over him. Nasty!

Here's another option. Say nothing to anyone about any of this, except a counsellor with whom you do lots of work on what made you do this and how you process it and move on. You need to get all your feelings out. I don't necessarily see that one or two families have to be smashed up in the process.

Maybe you should have thought this through before you had an affair and ruined people’s lives. You should be feeling pain

I wouldn’t. You had an affair knowing well what you were doing. Think of the children involved as they are at the same school as your children.

Was it your affair partner that ended things, from what I’m reading you’re not happy he’s still with his wife and want to throw a bomb at him and his marriage.

You’re as bad as he is.

Worry about telling you own husband before thinking about telling the wife.

You wouldn't feel good about it forever. Every other parent, teacher and possibly children at the school would likely know about it within five minutes, too. If that's what you want!

My husband had an affair and hid it from me for 2 years he then left me and is now married to her. The damage it has caused my family is far reaching…the woman he is with is as bad as him I have zero respect for him or her. Why do you want him to be exposed ? Do you want her to experience the pain too? Do you actually think he gives a shit about you.? With respect I would focus on your own marriage if you want to save it, maybe your poor husband will consider couples therapy

These feelings are the consequences of being unfaithful. They are yours to live with.

Don’t let your fury ruin another persons life - that is the responsibility of your affair partner, should they chose to take it.

Find a good therapist and deal with your anger that way.

ETA: Tell your husband. That is who you owe responsibility to.

I know it’s selfish and vindictive of me to be thinking this way. That’s why I haven’t acted on it. I agree I’m a terrible and nasty person.

It isn’t entirely selfish, though. I do want her to know the truth for her own good too - I know that if I were in her position, I would want to be told. Is there a way I can let her know anonymously, without any horrible face to face confrontation? I don’t know.

Also - if I tell my husband, the risk is that he will tell her or someone who knows her, because we know a lot of the same people.

I will never understand why people have affairs when they have young children. They were probably thrilled at one point to get pregnant and think of names and make Christmas special…and then they just throw it all away. For what?

You are a first class c u next Tuesday, what is wrong with you!
You went into this knowing fully well the consequences. You are about to break you childrens heart and you want to do the same to her and her kids??
Hang your head in shame.

That is your husbands choice.

You can chose not to inflict more pain by not telling her.

Very true.

How are you going to feel when every other Mum at the school gates hears you’ve had an affair with another parent. How will your children feel when other kids mention it to yours. Chances are you will be shunned by other mums. Of course your affair partner is just as guilty as you but maybe he doesn’t be at school as much as you/won’t care as much as you.

Agree with this

What do you mean when you say your marriage has suffered, you've been snappy and run out on your family a lot?
Do you actually want to stay in your marriage, or do you feel like the affair was your way out (even subconsciously)?

You need to get your own house in order before you do anything else that will hurt more people.

Your phrase 'if I were in her position, I would want to be told' applies to your husband too.

Concentrate on fixing yourself and the damage you've caused to your husband and children, don't try to damage someone else deliberately and pretend it's altruism.

You might think you’re throwing a bomb into their lives but his wife could easily throw one back at you and make your life a misery.

You want to blow up his kids lives? You sound like a treat.

You only want to tell her because you are twisted and bitter. Move on. Get counselling. Leave him to sort his own marriage out

Your marriage will fall apart and his won’t, even if you tell her. Find a way to save your marriage and focus on that.

Telling her only destroys her life and her children’s lives. Why would you want that? They have done nothing to you. You are angry with your ex affair partner, so you take it out on his wife and children? DON’T! Get therapy, move on, work on yourself. You are better off without that piece of shit. His family is none of your business. Focus on your own life and your own marriage.