I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

He ended the affair Telling you he wanted the emotional side was just a load of old fanny to keep you sweet.

He dumped you. Whatever you were offering was second class.

Be a grown up and suck it up. You're hurt, angry and feel like shit and now you want others to feel the same.

Your husband will think you are shit on his shoe, his wife will think you are shit on his shoe and soon, everyone will think you are shit on a shoe.

So, my advice is scrape some dignity together-don't let everyone know that when some one had had their fill of shagging you, he threw you threw you over.

By the way, are there texts where he ends it and where you you beg enough that he has to tell you he will always care for you?

Even if there aren't, he will tell the truth-that he shagged you-you were a pen emptier- had his fill, didn't want you any more and dumped you but you won't go quietly.

Just think about that. Think about everyone knowing that and your poor husband having to bear the shame of it. The shame of knowing that you would have gone on creeping about if he hadn't dumped you because you are someone he clearly feels is second best to his wife.

Keep quiet-if it's hard-tough shit. Look on that as your punishment and don't make a twat of yourself.

God, you really hate his wife don't you. Stoke her husband and now want to rub her face in it. Oh and out a bomb in his children's lives.
What a jewel of a human you are .

Maybe you're good company but lousy in bed?!

You just as bad as him. You want his wife to know but don't even have the decency to tell your husband!

Get therapy, you badly need it.

My marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face.

Oh! So noble! Easy to drop your knickers and open your legs elsewhere, but not easy to live with the lies. You and you alone are the author of your own demise. Tell your husband and live with the consequences of your own choices. There is no need, other than to continue demonstrating your self-centredness, to drop a bomb into the other family. It will all come out in the wash anyway as soon as you try and clear your conscience.

You need to grow up and leave this poor woman alone. Just stop being so horrid and move on

What did you think would happen when you looked for an affair in your own social circle?

Deal with your own guilt, get some therapy and work on yourself. Projecting your issues on others isn't going to fix a thing.

You found it very easy lying to his face to start with and that of your children is it only different now because he chose his wife over you? Don't tell her you both are responsible for this affair don't ruin her life or her children's because you didn't get what you wanted,people might think I'm being disrespectful but I'm sick of people these days that thinks marriage vows mean absolutely nothing and thinks with their penis or vagina before thinking of their Children

Don’t be THAT woman. It’s such a cliche bitter woman scorned and all that. Assuming he ended it then? I understand the feeling of wanting him to suffer like you are. That’s human, but don’t drag his wife and kids into it. We don’t know the back story (we as in your MN audience, you probably do) not saying his wife shouldn’t necessarily know that he’s a cheating bastard, especially if he’s likely to do it again with other women, but if, for example you were a one-off, him & his wife we’re going through a rough patch, it didn’t last long, he ended it cos he felt guilty, and he’s not likely to do it again, then it may be best she doesn’t know. His kids will suffer too and that’s really not fair on them, doesn’t matter if he shouldn’t have done it in the first place. Be the better person, move on, concentrate on your own relationship, and put us much distance between him & his wife as possible

I think you need to take back your self control in the first instance and stop all contact with the AP. You need to get some distance. Don’t reply to messages.

Next, really evaluate if you are happy with your husband. Don’t go in for the trope of if you were happy you wouldn’t have done it - think, carefully - do you love your husband and want to stay with him? Then work on what plan reaffirm that. You may choose to squash it right down and compartmentalise it, or you may choose honesty. IMO, at odds with the whole of MN, either can be fine, but you need to commit to a path and stick to it.

Anything around how the AP and his family is going is not part of your orbit. Bringing the bastard down with you or making his family hurt will not make you feel good, and won’t fix how you feel about yourself and your own relationship with your husband and family.

You now want to tell her because you're "concerned" for her, yet you were perfectly happy to run around with her husband behind her back. At least be honest and admit you just want to punish him because you're livid that he didn't leave her for you.

He's no better.

I know that if I were in her position, I would want to be told

but that’s not true, you’re not doing it to be altruistic. Otherwise you would have told her, and your DH, whilst the affair was ongoing and wouldn’t have waited for it to be over .

Block him FFS and carry this burden of guilt as your just punishment

He is keeping you dangling on a piece of string. I am sure that he is also struggling in some way, I doubt he has got away with it, as you imagine.
however, one or both of you needs to be strong and stop this silly behaviour right now. Cut all ties and walk away.

glad that you realised your motives for what they are.

In an ideal world, what would you want to happen? For your children, for his children, for your future? Do you love your husband? Do you want to stay in the marriage?

be honest with yourself and then talk to someone, like a professional.

but for the moment, do not throw any grenades into anyone’s life.

OP, I can ensure you that his man does not have genuine feelings for anyone.

It takes two to have an affair OP, your morals are just as bad as his....I bet you didn't want the wife to know about your sordid affair while you were shagging her husband, but now you're not sleeping with him you want the wife to know? Nice....

@Gemitf he seems to want to keep the emotional side going.
He says he loves me.He seems to have deep, genuine feelings for me.

Oh, do give over! It is now becoming a star crossed lovers weepy! He's trying to keep you quiet as he knows enough about you to realise how nasty and vindictive you can be.

Revenge will not make this better. Block him on everything. take some time out from it all and focus on your self and how you want to move forward with your life in a constructive way. I assure you AP is not happy in his current relationship as why have an affair? But that isn’t your problem.

What's the difference between him and the OP?

Do you think it’s entirely impossible for the two of us to continue the close friendship that he seems so keen to maintain?

He wants us to carry on meeting up for lunches and coffees. He tells me he loves me and thinks about me. I’ve said I don’t think we can just be ‘mates’ after what happened. His response was, ‘We are so much more than mates, it’s not fair to say we are just mates. What we have is special.’

The truth is I don’t want to lose him as I care about him. But is it realistic to think we could carry on the emotional connection without the physical? It all feels so fucked up. What should I say to him?

Pass the sick bucket!

Your not taking anything from the advice your being offered are you?

No. You should certainly tell your husband as he deserves to know, but telling his wife isn't your business. It will just make you look vindictive. You are 100% responsible for your own part of this affair, so stay in your own lane and sort out your own house.

Honestly your both as bad as each other and both partners deserve to know so they can move on from the pair of you.

@Gemitf , you're a special kind of awful ☹️.
Leave that woman alone!

He’s get replacement for you, I reckon! He’s got you where he wants you and is now shagging someone else.