I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

You are not doing this to help her, and this will not help her, you are doing this to punish him.

The fallout will be her and her children’s lives, why would you do that to someone? Ignorance is bliss, no doubt he will act like this again, and his behaviour will come out then, but it is not for you to expose. It is not up to you to act morally superior to him either. This is the epitome of misery loves company. Your version of accountability is to ruin her life. Just, no.

Own your part in this mess. Focus on fixing your marraige if possible, walk away if it isn't. Maybe your DH (if you tell him) will tell others and wife will find out that way, but telling her our of spite because he has apparently come out unscathed, would be nasty.

The fact that you don’t even have any consideration for the children who it appears all go to the same school is wild! You both sound selfish and toxic. This is never going to work out so get over and move on.

I wonder how many women he tells are special while keeping them on the hook?

But I do agree with others that it will end your marriage but possibly not his.

So NOW you care about the wife's feelings? Not when you were sleeping with her husband? Honestly OP, you only want her to know because you got dumped and he loves and wants her not you. Don't act like your being the better person here.

Don't kid yourself that "want her to know the truth for her own good too".

You want to get revenge - or for him to be thrown out by her so you can rush in and be the wonderful person who "forgives" and he needs you.

Is there a way I can let her know anonymously that just underlines that it's entirely about revenge.

Are you for real?

He wants to empty his pen every now and then without having to throw things into the mix like future faking.

He probably also knows you well enough to know that it is better to keep you in the tent pissing out than outside pissing in.

You're not star crossed lovers. if he loved you, he would leave-he wouldn't be the first.

He doesn't love you enough or even at all.

Telling you all this guff is to his advantage in two ways

You keep your mouth shut and he has a shag whenever he calls, without the continued threat that you might open your mouth as wide as a barn door and tell if he tells you to fuck off.

Have some self respect. Tell him to fuck off and keep your mouth shut.

My advice is if you want your marriage to survive - get some counselling and your head sorted out, do not ever tell your husband, the AP's wife or be tempted to share what has happened with a friend, even in 10, 15 or more years time and, lastly, tell the AP you cannot continue talking to him and then block all connections. It won't be easy but it's the best way. Mumsnet is famously intolerant and harsh on people who have affairs. There is rarely any comprehension that there is usually something wrong with the marriage and people are human and can make mistakes.

Are you really so naive you don't know what this poster is saying?

Reckless behaviour like this is highly destructive to the protagonists and all the people they love - does that make it clear?

The truth has a habit of coming out - you are not necessarily in control, even if you think you are

Meh. Your bed to lie in. Not anyone else’s circus or monkey 🙉 You make choices in life and they come with consequences

@Gemitf now, imagine your affair partner has just posted this on MN, what would you
advise!

The OP was more than happy with the arrangement of shagging someone elses husband and didn't give a flying fuck about the wife at the time, but now it's fizzled out she's trying to take the moral high ground about telling the wife, absolute bollocks, she's pissed that he's not chosen her that's all...

Jesus . I don't normally condemn people for having affairs but your ego-centred, self-centred thinking here is extraordinary. The wife if a human in her own right yet you treat her as an NPC in your drama and desire to hurt someone else.

Just grow up. You chose to cheat on your husband and all the trauma and difficulty you are experiencing is due entirely to your own freely made choices, and is not the responsibility of your OM. Own you own shit. The OM did not make you cheat, you chose it.

Your motivations in telling the wife are truly disgusting and reveal you to be an very unpleasant person.

I suggest you devote your energies entirely to improving yourself as a person, and not at all to your wrongly imagined need for revenge.

OP, you’re a wife and mother who’s been fucking a married man who also has children. You know his wife. Your children all go to the same school.

he’s dumped you but wants you to keep you begging.

and you’re spending Sunday afternoon on MN whining about the impact you’ve created and wondering whether you should cause even more disruption to two families.

get some counselling. Talk through your actions and feelings with a professional. I suspect the best long term outcome is to end your marriage and find a way to live with the guilt.

block him and start prioritising people who rely on you to put them first and not risk their happiness at home and at school.

If you do what you want to and they get a divorce and the next thing you know he’s got a new, pretty lover and looks as happy as Larry, and you see his ex wife at the school looking awful and broken. Will you go home with a skip in your step?

Yes he did wrong as did you. Would you want him to tell your dh he had an affair with you, so he could deliberately see your marriage destroyed because he felt you were getting away with it.

Don't be ridiculous, of course it isn't possible.

Starting to think this is another creative writing exercise.

This has got to be a wind up

You need to cut all contact with him. He’s delusional.

Once your dreams of revenge have calmed down you need to let his wife know for the right reasons as well as your husband.

Are you for real?? First few posts wailing about feeling so guilty and lying to your husband about your affair. Forward to your latest posts, you want to have an emotional affair with this man, because he’s called a halt to the physical affair.

You don’t give a fig about your husband or children. You want this man’s wife told in the hope she’ll leave him and you can sail off into the sunset with him. Guilt is not something you actually feel. You sound worse with each post.

Don’t spill………as much as you want to confess put all that energy into saving your marriage! Why cause heartbreak for others ……. you will make others miserable too. Put it behind you, be grateful for your husband and children and learn from your mistakes.

If you cared about his wife you wouldn't have been screwing her husband. You would not have risked blowing her life along with her children and yours. You are both selfish, don't add bitter and vindictive to the list. You want revenge because you feel guilty, but your AP didn't make you cheat. You made that choice and now have to live with the consequences. You have no idea what his relationship is really like, but chances are you're not the first OW he's had and you won't be the last.

I was thinking the same is this even real feels fake bit on the off chance @Gemitf you are only feeling this way because he has ended it and you’d of happily continued it not giving either of you’re partners or kids a thought

You assume their marriage will implode if you tell her. What if it doesn’t? I know people who have had affairs and worked through it and are together many years later. Get therapy asap, please

There seems to be no remorse about OP having an affair when she’s married with young children. It’s all me, me, me, how dare he treat me this way! What about how she has treated her own husband and children. Hopefully it is creative writing.

He just wants you hanging there to boost his ego. Don’t waste your life on this loser.

Does his name begin with a J by any chance??