I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

Why did you have an affair? It was selfish, awful behaviour and you deserve to feel awful.

What an absolute fuck you to your husband this pile of wank is.

Set the poor guy free.

Good it should be eating you up. You’re getting your just desserts.

You are vindictive and self-centred.

Have you even thought about how you will destroy his wife and children’s lives?

No, thought not. Just keep thinking about yourself and see how far you get (not!).

You and your affair partner are both ---- can't write as someone will take offence and be silly about it before it's deleted.
You don't get the moral high ground beause you're a woman, inspite of what some on MN might say and think. Both married and both got kids, why don't you both leave your spouses and get together? You sure deserve each other.

I think this is probably true.

He wants to stay married and is afraid you might do the very thing you are asking about here - tell his wife - so he is trying to keep you on side.

Or possibly he wants to keep you on the backburner to take up the affair again at a later date?

One thing is clear - he is utterly selfish and will say or do whatever is to his own advantage in this mess

An excellent idea. Great for your marriage. Marvellous for your children. Really helpful for the wronged wife. No risk at all that other parents from your children's school will see you together and draw correct conclusions. Not the remotest possible risk that you would end up in bed together. Shit on your own doorstep. Why not?

Tell your husband first. Anonymously is worse. Own your mistake and tell your husband. You have focused on the other parties marriage before your own.

I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions

What about YOUR accountability for what's happened? You're not little Miss Innocent in all this...

You want to end his marriage so he'll fall into your arms.

Would you say that to a man with kids that admitted to an affair on here? I very much doubt it.

What should you say to him?

No - absolutely fucking not!

I'm in a minority on here because I don't thinking making a monumental fuck up necessarily makes you the devil incarnate, but for Gods sake exercise some common sense and dignity.

You have an opportunity to exercise damage limitation measures here by walking away and concentrating on fixing your own marriage as that's what you seem to want.

On no planet in the universe is that going to be helped by staying in touch with this bloke who has made his choice and is clearly trying to keep you on the back burner for his own benefit.

Go to counselling. Your motives are not genuine. You want his life destroyed and are more than happy to do it through destroying his wife and children’s lives to achieve it.

She might be fully aware of what you and her husband have been up to. How do you actually know she is oblivious?

That is a truly disgusting thing to suggest. Grow up, tell your husband the truth or don't, but stop the affair for the love of god. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical.

That man is an absolute prize shit. Tell him unless he leaves you alone, no friendship meet ups, no whatsapp essays, you'll tell his wife.
And don't tell your husband, why fuck your life up when the affair is finished? Just feel the guilt and put it behind you.

But I thought that was what you wanted, @Gemitf? To destroy her marriage/family too…

Have some self respect and walk away from the whole thing.

You need to delete him off every phone list, profile, social media account and avoid as much as possible.

Maybe get some therapy to help with your feelings.

If you were my spouse I'd be dumping you and letting others know what a pair of slags my wife and her affair partner were.
Poor kids in the fall out of selfish adults who can't keep their underwear on.

I don't think OP fully realizes that this kind of affair involves mutually assured destruction. There is no way to just destroy one person in letting the secret out.

End it, block him and get help if you want to save your marriage. But honestly, I think there's an element of self destruction here that OP is not aware of.

Something doesn't sit right with this story. Wanting to expose an ex lover and destroy his family because he dumped you, then he wants to continue with an emotional affair. You say he didn't feel any guilt, then if was the reason he stopped the relationship. You also NEVER mention your children. If this is true, don't deliberately hurt another woman, your husband and two sets of children because you feel scorned. You decided to have an affair, live with it.

This. I think I'm struggling to believe this now, to be honest.

What do you mean by element of self destruction?

Please sit back, let your immediate high emotion and thoughts of revenge settle and decide what to do in a week's time. Rushing into a decision that will affect both families, your friends and others in your sphere, could and will be truly devastating. You need to reflect on the repercussions of your decision and, importantly, never do this again. Above all, your nor your AF's children deserve this.

Why is your idea of morality and justice so childish?
If you cannot confess your own dreadful behaviour to your misfortunate husband until you are satisfied that your AP will definitely go through Hell (along with the anguish his wife and children will experience, thanks to your false conscience), then you aren’t feeling any guilt or need for unburdening in the first place.
(Could you give your DH a message? It’s in code: LTB, sir.)

I’d be surprised if you are ever given to pangs of conscience when explaining to yourself why some singularly selfish act is in fact extreme self-sacrifice.