I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

[Gemitf]

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

This is excellent advice

Thank you for this message, it’s given me clarity. I think I’ve been putting him on a pedestal, convincing myself I’m in love with him and that he’s wonderful, when the truth is - if I’m really honest with myself - our interactions generally leave me feeling drained and depressed. The essays on WhatsApp are exhausting. Always proclamations of how much he cares about me but they very rarely leave me feeling good or positive.

I think I’m just afraid to let go of him as he’s been in my life for so long now, and I can’t imagine my life without him in it. Even though most of what he brings is entirely negative. I recognise how messed up that sounds. He has me completely in his control - I’m finding it difficult to detach.

Cut all contact with him. He is playing you.

Say nothing to anyone, ever.

Rebuild yourself and your marriage.

I do want her to know the truth for her own good too - I know that if I were in her position, I would want to be told

No you don't otherwise you'd have told your husband and everyone who knew you at the very beginning of the affair. You've no concern over her, never did.

Please don't paint revenge as fake concern. If you cared two hoots about her, you'd never had had an affair to begin with.

Grow up OP. You clearly don’t really GAF about your DH. Your reasons for wanting to expose are vile. It’s likely the other man knows you’re bad news hence the platitudes. Do some soul searching and find a way to live with your own actions. It’s beyond pathetic after screwing her husband you want to blow his DWs and your DHs lives apart for your own satisfaction and revenge.

I get it. I still want to out the woman who my partner had an affair with. Her husband doesn't know and I would love to tell him. Even now. Even years later.
Good luck with what you do.

💯

You could do it anonymously. That's what I would do.

@Gemitf Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

You seem to be talking about this incident as though the man is solely to blame for what happened, and you had absolutely no role in this. Very strange. Weird.

Why should you not be discovered? Why don't you take accountability for your actions?

You are not a nice person - you are vindictive, nasty piece of work.

You tell her he denies it, they stay together and she gets to spend her life worrying whether it was true or not. They split up - children suffer and so does she she and your poor husband and all the children involved are the losers from two very selfish people

You are selfish.

The only reason you want to expose him is to his marriage break-up.
Then you probably think you stand a chance of getting back with him.

If you want to reveal your affair to your DH, that is your choice, you can do that without revealing anything else but you are vindictive.
Do yourself a favour and get some therapy or counselling.

How could I do it anonymously? She has my mobile number. My email address has my name in it. And couldn’t a fake email or other phone number be traced?

But you deserve this? Try clamping those wayward flaps together and being a decent person?

You should certainly tell your husband as he deserves to know

Isn’t it kinder that he doesn’t know?

Wow, talk about shitting on your own doorstep. Have you thought about how this will affect you and your dc since the wife’s kids go to the same school? I mean, if you confess to your dh (which you should) there’s every chance it’ll get out anyway but to actively want to open this can of worms is quite unwise. What a mess of your own making.

So now the narrative is changing to a romanticised version of the poor weak woman under the man's hypnotic control.

A fake email address cannot be traced

Or, get a SIM card from the supermarket and use an old phone to WhatsApp her on

The only reason you want to expose him is to his marriage break-up.
Then you probably think you stand a chance of getting back with him.

Yep this with bells on, come on OP admit it, and you can drop the fake concern for the wife, anyone with half a brain can see what you're up to.

Why do you need to tell your husband? Work it out, or don’t. You don’t need to absolve yourself of guilt by telling him and making him feel like shit too

What do you want us to tell you? That heck yes go out there and destroy two marriages, two innocent people and all the children because you’re raging that your affair partner dumped you.

Or - don’t be stupid, don’t be vindictive, stay away from the asshole (coffee, ffs) go to therapy, work on yourself, work on your marriage and be grateful your husband doesn’t know and need never know. You don’t deserve him.

Grow up and stay away from the bastard. It was lust, nothing more, he used you, AND you used him.

Please don’t tell her. Recognise the affair for the mistake that it was, and try to move on. Nothing good will come of telling her.

The guilt is yours to bear, and you will feel it for the rest of your life I’m afraid. It will lessen over time, but will rear its ugly head when certain things happen eg your DH falls ill. This is the price of betraying someone you love. Telling people is often only to make yourself feel better. Speak to a counsellor if you need help with this.

Resolve not to do it again, but don’t punish yourself for ever more. We all make mistakes, but don’t take everyone down with you. If you want your marriage to continue, then make an effort to work on that.

As for him, he sounds like he will learn nothing from this, and it won’t be long before he’s at it again. You’re much better off without him.

No good will come from blowing this up because you’re angry now. You will soon look back and wonder why you were so stupid to get into the situation in the first place. Let it go.

No, an anonymous message would be upsetting and she wouldn't know whether to believe it. Focus on finding a way forward for yourself.

Another one. If a man with children came on here and said he'd been having an affair for months,would you really advise him to say nothing to his wife as "it would be kinder for her not to know"? He'd be crucified!

Tell AP, that you don’t feel the same way. You were flattered by his attention but now you’ve taken a step back you’ve realised there is no real connection between you. And that you both need space to work on your marriages.

Don't tell DH yet. Take bit of time to work out what is best for your family.

If you would want to be told in that position, why haven’t you done that for your husband? Why would you do it for his wife before your husband?