AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

End the relationship as I don't see it as any benefit to you. His daughter is his priority not yours as he is the parent. He could ask grandparents or aunties/uncles to babysit that's what plenty of parents do who have that as an option. Spending every weekend that are childfree always with his mates amd never spending time with you is shitty. He's shown that you are the last on his list of priorities, believe what he's showing you.

He is a dick. Decide if you want your life to look like this

Fuckssake. Another one. I’m a step mum OP, none of this is remotely normal or healthy. He sounds like a lot of a nutter tbh. Move on.

Dick or not, it seems evident to me that you don't suit. I'd be breaking it up now.

This sounds like a slippery slope to coercive control to me. The whole 'not doing it right' criticising you for what are quite natural emotions. I think he's using this totally unreasonable and frankly a bit creepy demand you love her more than him as a way to control you.

You obviously don't think he offloads care but what's he doing when you're alone with his daughter? What would an independent observer conclude? If he's working, fine to an extent. Does he ever leave work early, take time off when she's sick, any of the things normal parents have to do or is this all for you to pick up? If he's seeing his friends, not fine. Does he ever have time alone with his daughter? I bet she'd like that too. My daughters like time alone with their Dad (and with me) despite the fact we also do lots as a family. 1 to 1 time is important.

In case it's not clear from this thread yet - it's inappropriate for you to love his daughter more than him. You've only been in a relationship for 3 years. That's not the role of a stepmother. ESPECIALLY when his daughter already HAS a Mum who it sounds does at least 50/50 if not more (I'm guessing more) of the childcare.

Do you know how they split up? What's he told you about her? Is their relationship amicable? She very much might not be ok with your partner insisting you love his child as if she were your own. As the child's mother surely her opinion matters? Boundaries.

I'd get out now before you can't. His daughter has a Mum and a Dad, she'll be fine (although I feel sorry for her that her Dad is such a dickhead and using her to manipulate his girlfriend). Please don't get trapped in this situation.

The phrase which applies here, and was used widely on the other current similar thread, is that he's got himself a nanny with a fanny. He's not that into you. Please dump him and find a man who wants to spend time with you on a Friday night.

Who on earth was the 1% that thought you were being unreasonable?!

So your DP doesn’t want to have date nights with you - he wants to go out with his friends instead.
He has stopped you seeing your friends because he wants you home all weekend.
You are the person who his little girl turns to when she is upset or wants bedtime stories and plan you trips out, etc. Hence why he wants you home all weekend - so he can pass parenting over to you.

This man has no real affection or care for you - he sees you as childcare for his daughter. Time to end the relationship.

Dump him, OP

also - when do YOU get time to see YOUR friends?

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt

I thought this. You should find quality time for each other and time for friends too.

This. He is using you. More than anything his DD needs 1:1 time with him and of course you need time as a couple when DD is not with him.

He is showing/telling you his priorities and they are him before his DD and before you.

Don’t waste precious years with him. Walk away and find a man without baggage.

on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

he doesnt prioritise you when he has free time? thats a red flag.

you're the NWAF

Did he split from his daughter's mother because he stopped seeing her as his romantic partner and only saw her as a mother? Because he's heading for the same with you.

I think you are being a bit of a mug I'm afraid. There is a reason why separated/divorced men with children often rush into the next committed relationship more readily than their child free peers. It is because they want free childcare and/or support with housing costs. He may be keen on you but he is also very keen on making use of you.

He sounds awful. Sorry Op get rid

So you don't get to see your friends because he wants you there when his daughter is there. But he gets to see his friends when she's not and is not interested in spending time with you.

Jeez. OP, please read this over and over until you finally get to see it for what it is.

He doesn't care about you.

The only unreasonable part of this is you haven't dumped this awful man! I can't believe what I'm reading. So you can't see friends, because you have to be on call to play mum to a kid that's not even yours! Yet, on his child free nights, he wants to see his friends! He is using you for free childcare. You are not his partner.

What else is mumsnet for , if not to get opinions and advice?
What is your reason for being on a forum, telling someone in need NOT to be on the forum?

Sorry, OP. Do not marry this man, he needs to love you for YOU, not as a surrogate mum.

Sorry you've wasted 3 years of your life on him. Good luck finding a better partner.

Your DP expects you to be at home all weekend with him and his dd? That’s unreasonable for a start.

And nothing you have said is unreasonable.

your bf is being VU and unfair to you.

What do you want to do now? He’s shown you where his priorities lie, and he’s shown that he’s not interested in your POV.

You're not even married to this guy.

Leave him. He's trying to emotionally manipulate you.

OP, I have only read your posts

Run. Run fast, and run far. This absolute bellend of a “man” is using you for childcare. He is literally only interested in screwing you

He is telling you who he is. Listen.

I need to love his daughter more than him.

This is not normal. He’s trying to manipulate you and make you feel responsible for his daughter. It seems like he stops being his girlfriend / wife / partner as a romantic partner once they have children (or responsible for his children) and then they are expected to be full-time parents with no needs, interests or desires of their own! Conveniently you work so you also bring in income to the household and you provide childcare, but he doesn’t see you as a romantic partner, soulmate or anything other than a functional, civilised partner to ensure he doesn’t have to do too much parenting and can still have hobbies and go out with his mates.

If you are happy paying to live with him and provide free childcare then stay but if you are looking for a loving relationship with a man then you need to leave because this is not it.

Came here to say that. You're just the childcare

Rubbish. I am a parent and a step parent. On the rare occasionswe used to have a free night together.We would absolutely go out and prioritise going out as a couple. You'll also go out with our friends separately.That didn't require a child free night.