AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

Yes. This is what I took from it too.
How is that fair?
It's great that he's a good dad. But there needs to be room for your 1-1 relationship too.
If not you might have to reconsider your options OP.
X

This. ⬆️ I'd be very concerned that he is getting angry and can't discuss this with you rationally. Be careful you do not end up trapped in this relationship as the nanny with the fanny.

Nanny with a Fanny. Again!

Of course he wants you to love his daughter as much as possible, that means you will do the most work! Weekends he doesn't have his kid, he's seeing pals, that's why you have to see his child as yours, so you don't go out!
If you started watching your friends or families kids at his free weekends, would he stay in with those kids, he would obviously have to love them too? Cause that's what he's telling you?
When his kid isn't there, he off with friends, cause they are more important and fun, your boring and remind him of his "baby sitting" time. He just wants company when doing boring family stuff cause it's hard and lonely doing it on your own.
If he wanted to spend active time with you, he has the time and energy to do so, (cause he does with his pals) but chooses not too. Or, takes you to meet his friends, tells everyone how wonderful you are as you take on his child as your own, do all the hard stuff with him and deserve a night out every few weeks as a sign of his appreciation as children only get older and more difficult, but I suspect it could maybe tamper with the stories he tells everyone about being a brave single dad...

Your on here cause you know he's manipulating you, unless properly confronted and changes made, your just going to resent it all even more

This is NOTHING to do with the kid, he’s just trying to distract you

you are saying, I want a date night every week/every fortnight. Make it happen, we are a couple.

if he refuses and tries to divert you away from ‘couple’ then leave that will show he doesn’t want a relationship

I hope some of these replies give you pause for thought OP. You deserve better

That's not what she said she said when the child is with her mother she would like them to do coupley things he said when child is with mother he wants to see his friends...

he doesn't love you leave

You told him you wanted to spend more time with him, he told you that he would rather spend time with his friends.

That tells you all you need to know.

As a counsellor told me a long time ago "if he wanted to, he would".

Sorry, but you are better off without him.

Yuck.
Surely your attraction and love for him has shrivelled up pretty quick?!
He cant even give you some quality time on a friday night every other week or whatever your schedule is when DD is not there.

You deserve a better partner.
The DD deserves a better dad.

You sound like a wonderful person, it isnt easy to parent a child who isnt biologically yours. That doesn't mean you love them any less or they love you any less.

Kids value time and affection above all else.

Stick him in the bin

I don’t think you’ve read the post properly. OP says that when the stepdaughter isn’t there her DP wants to go out with his friends rather than spend quality time just the two of them.

And frankly she isn’t her biological child is she? So it’s not the same.

A parent can't make time to be with his partner because Friday night is time for his friends? Bugger that.
And he is offloading childcare even though you offer.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt

"I’m not “doing it right” because I don’t love her enough?"

It is not that, even in the slightest, you are loving and generous with his daughter so do not doubt yourself there.

What he is actually saying is he is not prepared to invest in your relationship and spend quality time with you, as a couple!

It's too much effort for him, he'd rather be out with his pals.

Your love for him is blinding you, you will never get what you, reasonably, need from him.

It'd be so worth your while to seriously re-think your relationship @Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt

This is all that needs to be said Op.

me and DH will have time just to ourselves. You have to in a relationship. But your DP would rather see his mates. This is not a good relationship and he’ll never change.

Agreed! OP he’s not the boss of you, you have a voice, don’t just accept what he’s saying, it’s crap! You can love his dd of course, not the point, the point is; your partner not treating you nicely when dd isn’t there.

A date night now and again is lovely; nice to have time together alone; do you have the whole weekend free on the non DSD weeks? If so what’s stopping partner going out with mates Friday and date night with u on a sat night once in a while?

He is a cheeky fucker.

Your DH is right about this being the facts of parenting i’m afraid - but he should also make time for you when she’s at her mum’s? What happens during those evenings?

he's panicking about the possibility of his free babysitter leaving him.

What happens on Fridays normally then OP? Is he happy for you to go out with your friends if he's out with his?

Also you say you've taken your dd out on your own before - why? Where was he? Does HE ever take his dd out on his own (for more than a quick trip to the park)?

You sound like you're very caring to this little girl and a lovely person to have in her life, but you are completely right - any relationship you have with her is solely due to your relationship with her father. It's completely unfair for him to expect you to prioritise her above more longstanding relationships with people you have chosen to be in your life - your family, your partner, your friends.

I had an ex with a 17yo daughter. She and I got on fine, but she lived quite far away so our contact was limited to high days and holidays, probably no more than 2-3 times a year max. We were both absolutely fine with this level of interaction and relationship. After all, she has a mum, she didn't want or need a second one bustling in.

He, however, seemed to think I should love her as unconditionally and entirely as he did and found it completely unacceptable that I didn't. He lived in my house and even wanted to give her a key so she could come and go as she pleased - even my own family don't do that!

After we broke up, he rebounded into a relationship with a single mum. Some time later, we met up and he admitted to me that it had broken down partly because (wait for it...) he didn't love her kids as as unconditionally and entirely as she did and that was unacceptable!

Bloody hell! My partner and I both have our own children and spend time together but fuck me I love our time just us! We have a whole child free weekend next week and both can’t wait!

I don’t think he can make it any clearer that he is fine being with you when his dd is around, but when she’s not, he’d rather be with other people. He’s using you.

The discussion about his daughter is a deliberate deflection from the main issue.

The main issue is that you have a night when the child is elsewhere (presumably with her actual mother, who you definitely shouldn't try and replace) and he's choosing his friends over you.

He's using his daughter to deflect from the fact he's choosing his friends over spending 1 to 1 time with you. Especially in a relationship that is fairly short (3 years really isn't that long), that's pretty shit. I've been with DH for over 20 years, we still make an effort to have 1 to 1 time. It's difficult because we have kids but we still try, because it's important. We went through a really rocky patch in our marriage and it was mostly because we never ever had any time alone (we don't have family to help and we couldn't afford regular childcare).

I don't know how common it is that he chooses his friends over you, but the signs aren't good. I also really dislike how he's using his daughter in this way, when the main issue here has nothing to do with her.

She already has a mother, the last thing she needs is you trying to outcompete her Mum in the love stakes. I bet her Mum might have something to say about what your partner has said, would be really interesting to hear what her take on this situation is - it's massively inappropriate in so many ways.

Completely agree.

In your DP’s life it is:

1. his daughter
2. his friends
3. you

I think it’s great he’s prioritising his daughter but if he’s not also building a relationship with you, then what’s the point. Because he’s sure keeping his relationships with his friends going.

Leave this dick to it.

I very rarely comment on posts but woah…

Run. Don’t walk, run 🚩🚩🚩

So he spends his spare time having fun with his pals and you have to spend yours with him and his daughter ?!
he EXPECTS you to ?
this is outrageous.
sounds like he just doesn’t want to spend time with you ?