AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

Do you love this man?

Because he sounds very questionable. The relationship frankly sounds shit. I noticed he "expects you" to spend time with him and his daughter at the weekends - why the fuck should you? She is not your child - she already has two whole parents. And he can fuck off with his "expectations". He sounds hugely controlling. He even wants to control how you feel. That's a bit scary.

It's nice you care for her and want to do stuff for her, but the pressure on you to make her the main focus of your life is MASSIVELY inappropriate for all concerned.

I would get out now, honestly, before your bond with the child deepens any further, which may make it hard to leave.

YANBU

i can’t imagine any circumstance where I’d love an unrelated child.

So, if you went off on holiday with your own family for 2 weeks in the Caribbean, he would be happy to look after his child for the while period? She would be clean, tidy, dropped off at school, picked up, fed well, have pretty bunches in her hair, have her PE kit on the right day etc?

You are not her parent so you don’t need to do any parenting or accept life as one. As someone who has had stepkids & my own there is absolutely no way you will ever feel the same love, bond or emotional attachment with a child that isn’t your own & she will never love you like a parent. Just leave him as it will only get worse

He is a plonker. You sound like a wonderful stepmum to his little girl and he is bloody lucky. Spending time alone with a partner is important. I cant see how you wanting this on Friday night when she isnt with you anyway has any impact whatsoever on you being a 3 or not putting his little girl first. Perhaps he should prioritise you over his friends once in a while and if he wont then your relationship is doomed.

Are you sure he loves you? Because men with kids are often very eager to find themselves a step mother

just saying

But this is all smoke and mirrors isn't it- How much a person loves another person? You're spending lots of time with her, giving her great experiences, she likes you a lot- those are the actions of love, not just saying, "I love you just as much as..." The very idea of measuring the way you love your DP against the way you love a child is weird too, because it's all immesurable isn't it, and those types of love are very different!

It sounds like you're doing great at stepparenting OP (and yes this is stepparenting, not being married doesn't change that) and he's being very unreasonable! It sounds like his focus isn't sufficiently on your relationship and he wants your full focus to be on your DSD so he's free to do whatever he wants. I'd be questioning the relationship tbh, I'm sorry to say.

Your issue is nothing to do with your love for your stepdaughter though is it? Its the time outside of being a parent that is the issue. You DSD is a complete red herring

Even if you loved her more than anything else in the world that doesnt mean you dont want to spend time with your partner on a Friday night when child free. Even if biologically yours it would still be normal to see your friends on a weekend when shes around. Your issue is your partner doesnt really give enough of a shit about you

You're childcare and then when he doesn't need you he doesn't want you he wants his friends

It's a very strange argument really.
Of course his child come first to him and to her mother. But he doesn't sound like a very nice person and he doesn't sound particularly committed to you, are you sure he doesn't just want you as an additional mother to his child?
You sound like a very loving stepmother but she has her own mother.

Upshot is you are nos3, daughter 1st, friends 2nd and you 3rd...perhaps 4th if he has a hobby.

You are entitled to more...I wonder why his first relationship broke up?? ,perhaps he didn't spend enough time on his relationship..has he not learnt

Did you buy with him or do you have an quick and cheap exit route?

He doesn’t feel the same way you do, I’m sorry. You love him a million times more than you love his daughter. He expects you to love HER more than him, so in his mind the love of a partner is less important.

My ex was like this over his kids, expected me to be as mesmerised by them (well, one of them) as he was, despite me having my own DCs. On the weekends I didn’t have my DCs with me he’d still want to bring his over to my house and then he’d go and nap while I was left to entertain them. If I objected I was called a child hater and told how important it was for me to build a relationship with them. He was actually just a lazy fuck.

Please don’t waste your child bearing years with this user, find someone who loves you and wants to spend time with you as a person, not as backup childcare for his little princess.

This. Stop doing this spend your weekends with your friends and dump him.

Just moved in together?
Just move out as quickly as you can.
You won't always be "totally fine" coming second because it's obviously bugging you already. It'd bug most women tbf.

Agree.

Bullshit. OP doesn’t owe this child anything if the father is being a prick. My kids loved my ex partner. We split up and they didn’t see him again, hey ho, they were just happy to have me back to themselves tbh!

I’d be sitting down with him and clearly asking what his list of priorities is. Presumably daughter, you, friends, work or something like that.

He’s ticking the daughter and the friends box, but not the you box. That’s likely not in line with his stated priorities.

Also ask if you broke up or he died, what does he expect the relationship between you and DSD to be at that time? Would she be coming to you every third weekend? Will he share his time with you? (Obviously not).

Ask when you’re supposed to be intimate if all your time together is with a child.

If he then doesn’t realise that he’s stance is illogical and that he needs to put some effort into your relationship, I’d be considering whether you want to continue or not…

Of course you can love a child you are not related to. It's very easy and common.
But this is not about how much or little OP loves this little girl, you can't measure love anyway.
It's about her husband not making time for her even when the little girl is not staying with them .

It’s not a competition. Love for a life partner is completely different to parental love in so many ways. It’s madness to say you should love DSD ‘more’ - you love each of them in different ways.

If you want to stay with him, you need to shut this ridiculous and needless conversation down.

He sounds like he has a screw loose, throw this one back.

What a sanctimonious post.

OP clearly understands that she is part of a family unit, and appears to be doing everything she can for her stepdaughter, but it’s not the same as having a child together. Her stepdaughter spends time with her biological mother, and OP should absolutely be expecting her partner to prioritise time together when his child is away.

Step parenting comes with a whole heap of challenges, and it sounds like OP is doing a great job. Her partner is being a dick, though.

I agree with what most other people have said - he’s using you and manipulating you so you always feel obligated to pick up the slack and provide childcare for him.

Expecting you to love his daughter more than you love him is a weird, immeasurable thing anyway and makes him sound completely unhinged. Of course you won’t ever love her as much as you love him, and partner love and stepchild love is different anyway. I think it’s a further manipulation tactic. He wants you to feel parental love so when you have DSD you’re always around to help with looking after her. The fact you don’t has made him kick off to try and guilt you into not dropping the ball with childcare. He’s essentially expecting you to “prove” your love for DSD and that proof comes in the form of always being there to help when she’s around.

Also the fact he gets mad at you if you want to see your friends on weekends is further evidence of this. He wants you “to be a three” so he doesn’t have to parent alone. Why is he allowed to see his friends but you’re not?? He should want and need couple time. It’s important for couples to have alone time. The fact he’s not bothered about having alone time with you and prioritises time with his friends tells you how low down you are in his “list”. This is not a man who will make you feel happy and secure and loved in the long run. Get out now.

It's rarely in a woman's best interests to date a man who has a kid. Unlikely to be fun, easy, or life enhancing, all of which are the only reasons to date a man.
Choose your happiness.

Every couple needs to nurture their relationship - regardless if both parents to the child or parent and step parent!

your parent is being very selfish and putting a lot on you! x