AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

The man is a dick. What a waste of your time and energy.

He is manipulating you into taking on his responsibility for childcare.
He's putting himself before you and his daughter.

I think you’re 100% right in what you feel but the fact that you’re trailing this conflict around your friends and the internet isnt good. Book a couples counsellor session and try to reach some kind of resolution with HIM.

It used to be the expected action for a widow that he would ‘find a mother’ for his motherless children, but a) that was 200 years ago and b) even then it was probably a fiction.

He wants you to raise his child whilst he swans off and does as he pleases simply put

Nanny with a fanny comes firmly to my mind sorry.

Honestly? You should leave.

3 years? And he expects you to be a mum to his kid?

Leave before you end up pregnant and stuck with him.

Interesting that you don't see your friends because you prioritise time with your partner but when he's child free he prioritises time with friends over you. Think about that.

Couldn't have written this better.
I think we can see why his last relationship failed. It's nothing to do with the child (and she sounds very lucky to have you in her life) but how fucking self absorbed he is.

You're being used. He's virtually told you that your role is to mother his daughter.

If she lives with you full time or even part time, you're part of a family unit. If she was your biological child, you wouldn't get all this alone time together as a couple, so you won't with a step child either, particularly when they're very young. If that's not suited to you then that is entirely your prerogative but it means you probably need to separate.

He wants you to provide free childcare so is manipulating you so you feel guilty enough to do it. How long before you’re providing childcare whilst he’s out with his friends? Been there done it & wasted my valuable time putting needs of somebody else’s kid before my own. Get out now it will never get better

He’s using you for free childcare so he doesn’t have to parent on his own. Your relationship isn’t important to him, only what you can do to make his life easier. He won’t put in any effort himself.
It won’t get better, he’s told you so very clearly. If you want to be an unpaid nanny then fine. But he’s betting on the fact you care about the child to keep you around. I’d leave.

Wow, what a catch he is...

You are nothing but a babysitter with benefits. He should be doing the majority of the child rearing, it should be him the kid runs to when they fall over.

He is 100% using you to rear his child while he continues on with his single guy ways.

You are the ultimate nanny with a fanny. Of course he wants you around at the weekends, to look after HiS child. Doesn’t want to do date nights so he can see HiS friends when he doesn’t need you for childcare. What a dick.

First post nails it. He’s getting away with it because you’re letting him. The idiot should be grateful you do as much as you do. Time to move on.

He is a good dad, he doesn’t offload care onto me. The things I do for Dsd are because I want to. It doesn’t feel like he just wants me to be there for childcare, but I feel like he wants me to love his daughter the same as him. I do love his daughter, but it must feel a million and one times stronger for him.

i know when you get in a relationship with a man with a child you have to know that you come second, I am totally fine with that. But it feels like I’m being told I’m not “doing it right” because I don’t love her enough? I don’t know

He's using his own parenthood to emotionally blackmail you into doing his parenting. It's quite some nerve.

"I go out with friends and leave you with my daughter - you must accept the life of a parent!"

In a final twist of irony, you should love his daughter more because she loves you for you and he only wants the free childcare you provide.

It sounds like you're investing too much time and energy into his DD, it's easily done.

When my DSD was 3 I did the same thing, reading the book 'stepmonster' completely changed my view and I ensured I was there to be my husbands wife, not substitute childcare.

Just watch, if you stop putting her to bed and doing childcare for him, he will try to guilt you into picking it all back up.

My DH did the same, he struggled for a while and then one day it switched, he became genuinely engaged, hands on, seemed like he started to actually enjoy being a Dad and didn't need me to come and 'help' all the time.

If he doesn't make the switch, he's not a good father or partner. Stop making life too easy for him

He sounds like a controlling arse to me. You’re not allowed to see your friends as he expects you to be with him and his daughter but he fucks off with his mates when she’s not around. Sod that for a game of soldiers. Ditch the twat and move on.

He says YOUR main focus should be HIS daughter.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Run . Really fast.

He’s using her as an excuse to seeing his friends during the time he could be spending with you. He sounds like a dick and you sound lovely - not a good combo for you!

The really really shitty thing about this is that your partner is using his daughter to excuse his own shitty behaviour, and that is unforgivable imo. I've met men who go oooon and oooon about how much they love their kids, and everyone else should do the same, and they are always the men who let the women in their lives get on with the actual parenting.
He is deflecting, and what's worse, he's deflecting off his own child. This isn't about the kid. It's about you two spending time together alone, something you have ample opportunity to do but he doesn't want to.

Hes done one heck of a number on you. Sadly, I think you're so unhealthily enmeshed that you can't see it

He won't change

End the relationship

He just wants a mother for his child so he doesnt have to actually be a parent

You sound like a great stepmum, but you arent the child's mother. You dont need to devote your life to raising someone else's child. Your partner is a dick

Here is the problem at the heart of step-parenting. You’re going to cause lifelong damage the six year old girl by severing your relationship with her when you leave the dickhead father, as you should, for your own self-preservation. The little girl who loves you is going to understand that it’s because of her you left her life and abandoned her, and she will be correct.