AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

He should be having one on one time with his daughter. He is letting her down by always insisting you are present and I would question his so-called absolute love for her if he can't do this.

This thread sounds very familiar to another one a couple of months ago. A step mum moved away from her family / friends and had a longer commute to work etc so then didn’t see her family / friends as much and the bloke she was living with sounded very similar to this.

So basically you have dumped your own life to run round after him.

You are choosing him and his daughter over your friends.

He chooses his friends over you.

You would like 1:1 time with him.

He says it’s not possible.

You have 2 options….

Live like this and resentment builds and he continues to treat you like staff

RUN 🚩

Life is REALLY short. You deserve more.

This. 100%. What do your friends and family think of him and how he treats you?

I totally disagree with him
that if you have kids then you should just settle for spending time together as a couple with the kids and not make time for yourselves just as a couple. that's not the life of a parent, he's just saying that because he wants to fob you off imo.

my partner and I have 2 kids and sometimes we get a baby sitter so we can have time to ourselves, sometimes to see friends. It's important not to neglect the romance and he's wrong to infer that all other parents stop nurturing their relationships.

He wants to go out with his mates and hes coming out with a load of bullshit.

Are you very young?

Sadly, you’re too involved to see things as clearly as the posters on this thread can see them.

He's manipulated you into accepting a shitty relationship because if you stand back and properly look at this, he’s getting to do EXACTLY as he wishes all the time whilst you’re expected to be grateful for whatever crumbs of kindness he throws your way.

Even if he was Father of the Year (v unlikely), he’s a very shitty partner and you deserve better!

Get rid of him.

Ask him what would happen if you and he split up. Would you have one-third custody?

Stop making excuses and explanations. He is using you. Plain and simple. Life is short...move on.

The very next weekend when the child is staying with you and HER father I’d be booking a night out with friends at the very least……might even consider an overnight stay for a girlie weekend! Let him take the responsibility for his daughter full time for a change!

He's trying to make you feel bad to justify going out with his friends

Has this all started since you moved in together? He’s got you right where he wants you either way, can play at happy families while his daughter’s there and pretend to be single again when she’s not! And what is he doing while you’re taking his daughter out alone? He’s using you, find a way out now.

What a cunt. I think he’s trying to manipulate you

You need to get away from this man. He is a master manipulator

He just wants someone to do all the jobs with his daughter and none of the nice parts of a relationship. I’d be getting rid tbh

Depending on whose home you’re living in, walk away, get rid, or see a solicitor. Sorry, OP. There’s no future for you in this relationship.

Exactly. He's just guilt-tripping you into providing the 'nuclear family' experience for his daughter. You're doing more than enough but nothing will be good enough for this controlling manipulative man. One day you'll see through him. I hope it's soon. Levae before he grinds you down

You are being taken advantage of. He prefers to spend time with his friends than with you.
Id leave

He's a dick.
Why would you love her more than you love him - if you split up you'll never see her again, plus you've only known her for a short time.
You should not be doing the childcare, school runs etc. you're not her step mum. He's the parent, not you.
You should not have to prioritise being home with her rather than out with friends, she's there to see her dad - she should get time alone with him.
Him not wanting to spend any time alone with you when she's at her mums, that's him showing you how far down on his priority list you are.

You’re being manipulated into becoming a life in housekeeper for him while he has his cake and eats it. FGS leave before you’re in any deeper. Stop tying yourself in knots to please a man who is using you.

I would leave now before you get too attatched to his daughter,and vice versa because this is playing out very controlling.
Its making me wonder if he is trying to make you and his daughter get so attatched to each other so you won't leave him. He will manipulate you say stuff like how can you hurt his daughter by leaving.
He is already trying to guilt trip you. RUN.🚩🚩🚩

He's confusing you for a nanny. I would leave him now before you commit any further to him or his daughter.

When my DH and I have some rare childfree time, we want to spend it with each other. That is normal and healthy in a relationship. Your DH sounds manipulative. He is not prioritising you and is trying to manipulate you to get what he wants.

You're not being unreasonable.

But your dh is also correct that it's best for dc to grow up in families where they are the priority.

It's just not a situation with a perfect answer.

He’s being really horrible, he must be able to SEE that you are good to your SD and behave lovingly towards her. When we say look at actions, not just words, it’s because we do see them.

He’s using words to try to discount all that he sees and knows (eg that you don’t see your friends because he prefers you to spend time as a family). Why? Basically to say he doesn’t want to go out with you for an evening. He’d rather see friends.

For what it’s worth, relationships do benefit from couple time, even when the couple are together and need to get babysitters etc. But you know this, and your friends have confirmed it.

You need to ask yourself why he wants you around when his daughter is there but isn’t willing to spend time with you outside of that.

You don’t need to love his child more, that’s a complete red herring and I’m surprised you’re questioning yourself so much.

You're emotionally involved OP so you're not seeing it as clearly as outsiders. What he's asking of you is unreasonable. You're already doing plenty to care for and nurture his DD. Interesting that he expects you to give up going out with friends but he won't do the same. I'd change that for a start. Even if it's once a month, go out with your mates at the weekend. It will be good for his DD to have her dad to herself for an evening.