AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

thanks for all the advice. It’s easier to see things clearer. I do need to end the relationship. There’s much more I could write about, but that’s hard to. Financially and the way he talks to me generally

If I do end up going out, like today, he sends videos of DSD saying “we miss you” etc etc

Oh God, that's classic manipulation OP, to make you feel guilty and come home early. I really hope you do find the strength to leave this relationship.

I have been. I married young and had two step kids aged 12 and 14 when I was 25. They hated my guts.

Edited to avoid confusion - this was my first marriage to a bastard almost 20 years older. My second shite relationship was with someone my age.

Presumably you’re sharing living expenses and providing free housekeeping and childcare!

Someone earlier said “nanny with fanny”. I think they hit the nail on the head.

He won’t make it easy for you to leave OP! Expect lots of emotional blackmail and pressure. You leaving is going to create a lot of inconvenience for him. I hope you can hold strong and get free of him!

Yes, you come last in this relationship. The fact that he expects you to not go out with your friends when DSD is there but then when DSD is not there, he prioritises seeing his friends. So he only wants you around to help with DSD and make his workload easier but then you’re not good enough when he doesn’t have to be a parent.

You sound lovely. You deserve better than this. I think you should walk away from this relationship.

This makes no sense. Even for parents who parent 24/7 and are still together it’s important to occasionally have partner on partner time. That relationship also needs nurturing

Sounds like he wants a live in nanny!

I’m sorry you’ve not been treated right, and that you’re probably going to find it painful to leave, but I’m so pleased you’ve realised that he’s wrong for you (if not a wrong’un in general!). You sound lovely. You will go on to meet someone who actually deserves you ❤️

Oh yikes. He sounds like an utter arse.

I will never forget the day I told my now DH that I didn't love my now DSS as much as he loved his son. Trying to explain that I absolutely do love him, and I do and always will treat him as if he were my own, a biological parents love has to be superior... there is a literal biological connection that keeps them tied. He was so upset... but when he thought about it he understood. And I think he valued what I do for DSS even more because i didn't have to, I just naturally grew to love him.

I agree with you, you wouldn't even know your DSD if it weren't for you loving your partner. Unfortunately he's come to realise that by you moving in and taking over some parental duties, he's come to EXPECT it and not show gratitude. You shouldn't be doing more than him, you absolutely shouldn't be sacking off your friends just because he wants you around when DSD is there (in fact it's important you aren't always there so she gets quality time with her Dad).

It's hard to follow your timelines given you lied in your OP about age but if you have actually just recently moved in, I'd swiftly move back out before the child grows anymore attachment and associates you with the house. He's not interested in at relationship, he's just courted you to raise his kid. He's the only winner here.

Just wanted to add. All his prattling on about love.
Grading it.
Seeing if it measures up to his ideals.
He speaks as if its a competition and he's the winner.
That's barking. There's all different kinds of love.

You give your DSD support, care, consideration, nurturing, fun, time, attention. That is love and a very good kind of love for a child, in action, not just words
You are giving her just what she needs.... and yet this kindness and generosity is criticised.
But that is because his pronouncements are really just a device to keep you in your place.

This should help with reflecting on your relationship and how your partner treats you.

There was another thread a while ago with a very similar situation. He was clearly trying to make her feel guilty about going out and leaving him to parent his own child.

More manipulation. Unfortunately it sounds as though you’re going to need to block him and tell him clearly you do not want him to contact you any more. Then if he does, see it as harassment (which is what it would be) and keep a note of any contact he attempts to make after blocking. You will need to be really firm about this because he will use every trick in the book to weasel his way back into having you around, despite not being willing to prioritise you at all.

Don't fall for it.

I was sure there are more negatives about this man.

As for the videos, he really is a shameless prick! That is pure manipulation @Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt

Look, if you don't leave and got forbid, you end up pregnant, your life will be unhappy with this man.

Many of us on here know very well how these scenarios play out. They all go pretty much the same way, with years of suffering and a life badly lived.

Keep posting here for support if you feel like doing so, but please save yourself from this user and I suspect, abuser.

Sounds like you’re becoming a free nanny service. What a dick

You sound amazing.

He doesn’t.

Does he contact you when he’s out with his mates saying he misses you?

I’m assuming since you changed the age of your DSD and said you’ve been together three years you got together when she was one so basically a baby. What seemed attractive about the man with a baby when plenty of child free men exist? I understand women dating men with children when they themselves have children or they’re both older so the children are adults but to be child free and shack up with a guy who has kids is baffling to me.

You’ve put lots of effort into his DD which is sweet and noble but it sounds like you have little to no romance with this man. Life’s too short. Find a guy who wants to go on fun dates with you and preferably one who doesn’t have kids.

Yes you do need to leave. He is a nasty manipulator and you deserve so much better.
This man sounds horrible. Let him find someone else for his childcare.

I've been where you are OP. I was a naive 23 year old, who got together with a man 7 years older than me with two boys who lived with him permanently. His wife left him and the boys for another man and she saw them EOW. At the time I naively thought the reason why he wanted me to meet his children so quickly and me to move in, was because he loved me. Oh how wrong I was!!

You are being used OP. You are a convenience to him. You are filling a role for him. He wants you there to look after his daughter. He's not really interested in your relationship, because you're not there because he loves you, you're there to provide childcare.

Nanny with a fanny is the phrase. End the relationship. You deserve much much better, as I did. I left after 4 years. Went on to meet someone else, marry and have a child of my own.

The child has a mum already, you can be a positive feature in her life but you didn't enter into a relationship with her, you went into one with him. His daughter is a part of that but you are not her stepmum, she's your partners child. Looking after a sick child in your care is what most decent adults would do. I'm sure she likes you a lot, even feels cared for by you but might not necessarily love you. Would your partner feel the same if her mum met someone else, would he expect that man to be more intersted in a relationship with his daughter than her mum? If he can't be bothered to invest in your relationship, you might need to rethink it.

So he's insisting you pay half of everything as well?
Classic user if he is.
I really hope you are gathering your stuff and making plans.

You are being used.
You can get away from him.
Any hint of violence, call the police.

He won't be happy losing a free bill paying skivvy aupair.
So be prepared for him to beg etc.
Especially with the cost of childcare.

He just wants a replacement wifey type at home looking after the kid - he doesn't value you other than as a caregiver role for his child - not as a separate autonomous woman who wants other things in life than looking after his kid.

His focus shouldn't be seeing friends when he doesn’t have his daughter, it should be you so he's getting the order wrong as well

No good, end it

Just walk. Supporting yourself without needing to do childcare and house work for him is going to free up so much time and energy.