AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

"You need to let me neglect you and spend no free time with you OR YOU DON'T LOVE THE CHILD!!"

No that’s super gross and weird. He never ever wants to spend time with you without his daughter there? That’s not a good relationship and I’d say the same if you were both biological parents.

The reason this man wants you in his life OP is because you are useful to him.
Your primary use is to provide child care for his child so that he has more free time to do what he really wants to do, i.e spend time with his friends.
This, quite naturally and understandably, is a painful truth for you to confront.

OP, if I’m not wrong, you posted about this exact situation recently. I’ll say on this thread what I said then — this child is only in your life as long as your relationship with her father lasts, and as he has no interest in investing in that relationship, it’s unlikely to last very long. In your shoes I’d get out sooner rather than later for both your own sake and your partner’s daughter.

There's so much to unpick but he expects you to spend your weekends with him and his daughter but when he doesn't have his daughter he wants to see friends ?

This thing where you should be a 3 is absolute bullshit. DH and I have 2 children together and we still do lots us stuff just he 2 of us and enjoy it a lot and do not feel at all guilty about it.

Been there, done that... It's not going to work long-term. He is just using it as an excuse to prioritise his friends over you. He likely doesn't give two hoots about whether or not you love his daughter more or less than him. He just doesn't want to spend time with you.
Honestly, I spent years bending backwards for my ex in a similar situation. It's not worth it.

They have time available for the two of them, but he prefers to spend that time with his friends.

OP, you deserve way better than this.

He’s not a good dad though, he’s making sure he has ‘help’ every weekend. That’s a lazy dad. Do not have a baby with him

and I would add that he's also not that bothered about being your partner except as it relates to joint parenting.

"it feels like I’m being told I’m not “doing it right” because I don’t love her enough? I don’t know"

It's not that you are not doing it right... its that he expects you to do even more, because he wants to do even less.

It sounds like you do the majority of the parenting.
Your simple request to have a date night on a day she's not there was more than reasonable...
His reaction is utterly over the top and ending the argument with "You don't love DSD" is just outright guilt tripping, which you do seem to be very affected by.

It comes across in your posts that this argument is fired at you all the time.
You are the one reading bedtime stories, putting her to bed, planning days out.
That's his job!!!! or job share.

Get your diary out and calendar and work out how many nights out you have with your friends and how many nights in you have, babysitting whilst he's out with his friends. The results will probably surprise you. as it creeps up.

This is not an equal relationship. He doesnt see you as a partner but as a parent substitute. Please think about whether you want to hear this blackmail/guilt tripping for the next 10 years.

So when his daughter isn’t there, his first priority is going out with his mates?! I think you know where you are in his pecking order.

Don’t be a nanny with a fanny OP. If his “expectations” are for you to be a parent - well, newsflash, you’re not one. You’re not even married so you’re not formally a step parent either.

Prioritise what you need from this relationship alongside what he and his child need.

This.

How do so many men get away with this. It’s insane.

Yes but this isn't about how much you love his daughter, it's about how much you love each other. So, when his daughter is not there he wants to go out with friends and you want to see him.

This is about him not wanting to spend time with you apart from when are there being a co-parent. He is using you.

I wonder how much he was like this before you moved in together? I’ll bet my house it got worse after you did.

Either you leave (which I sadly suspect you won’t due to how you’re defending his total disrespect) or you carry on realising you were superbly played by a man who wanted a bangmaid. Sorry.

His priorities are his daughter, himself his friends and .......you. not going to change.

Now you’ve moved in with him and are stuck, he is showing his true colours.
Move out. He is a dick.

This! He’s controlling and isolating you. You are 100% not unreasonable. He wants you to love his daughter more than you love him because he loves himself most of all…

That's 3 years of your life you won't get back. He really has done a number on you.

By that token, all those drop offs and pick ups and bedtime stories that you choose to do because you want to, he chooses not to do them because he doesn't want to.

He's holding you to a higher standard of parenting than he manages himself, he's using his daughter to manipulate you into putting up with shitty behaviour, and he's not choosing to spend time with you either.

He's a bad dad, a bad boyfriend, and probably a bad person.

OP, read this post. It’s right on the money, he only wants to spend time with you when you can be a co-parent. This is a relationship of convenience to him. I’m so sorry.

Not a fiction at all. Story of my great grandmother and quite common today.

Sorry but I agree with the others, he wants a relationship with you so he can offload some of the parenting to you. He has no interest in anything with you beyond that.

There’s a reason he’s someone else’s cast-off.
He’s a twat.

This. Please dump his ass. He is manipulative and unpleasant. His DD is his responsibility, he wants you to do his parenting.