AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

If he genuinely cared for you he would want to spend time with you.

I think you're missing the point here, or at least getting distracted by debating how much you care for FSD. (Though, as an aside, OF COURSE your main focus in life shouldn't be HIS daughter!)

Isn't your main issue that he doesn't spend time with you when DSD is with her mum? That
when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends. This tells you all you need to know about how much he values you.

Run far, love. Run fast.
You are nothing more than a childcare provider and housekeeper to this man.

I totally agree with this. Sorry OP.

Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him

That's just weird.

She has a mum.

Oh no, that’s not on, he sounds absolutely delusional! I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in such a predicament and hope you can get free of this. X

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt how did you initially get into a relationship with him? Presumably you had romantic dates and lots of time as a couple. He didn’t bring his daughter to all the dates? How quickly did he introduce you to his daughter after you started dating?

Even if she was your biological child, you shouldn't be expected to do without couple time while he goes out with mates like a teenager! Family first, then friends (going out with your partner and your friends is fine, but a lot of the relationships where people only spend time with friends, rather than their partner, you see break up).

You sound like a lovely, kind stepmum. He sounds totally unreasonable and lacking in understanding! He’s lucky to have you.

You need to tell him he needs to do more parenting, starting with school run.

Technically you aren’t a parent. I think it sounds like everything you’ve done for your partners DD sounds truly lovely, and you do sound like a really genuine, caring, open human being. Your partner is basically telling you he sees you as nothing more than someone to help him parent his daughter. It’s up to you if that is enough for you or not.

So his relationship with the mother broke up when the kid was just one?

He's totally and utterly wrong to expect you to love his DD as much as you would if you were her biological parent OP. You've not been pregnant or had the rush of hormones birth involves, so your 'attachment'/'love' hasn't been the same.

You've slowly gotten to know each other, and gradually feelings have grown on both sides?

It's quite simply not possible to 'manufacture' a physical blood bond to a child you did not create/birth, simply because you've entered into a relationship with her Father.

Would he expect his DD to 'love' you as much as she loves her own Mum? No, because it's not the same!

That does not mean that you don't 'love' her though. People who adopt kids learn to love their kids over time, which is a natural thing and totally normal, but it's not 'instant', any more than it was 'instant' for his DD to 'love' you?

I'm sure you love her as much as you would love nephews/nieces, or an adopted child etc, and as long as your relationship continues happily, your love will increase over time too.

Ask him if he'd 'love' a child of yours that he'd not Fathered with exactly the same 'intensity' as he loves his DD? No, he wouldn't, because it's just different. but different doesn't equal bad?

Sadly not a fiction
My great aunt got married in his 30s in the mid 1950s (considered very old back then ) to a widower...
One of the reasons he wanted to marry was so he could get his children out of the local orphanage on Liverpool

I have children.
on the nights my children are not at home I do things with my partner
your man is a dick and has found a woman to do his share of custody.

When writing my post earlier I missed this little gem.

He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

So correct me if I'm wrong but he only wants to spend time with you when his daughter is there and when she's not he prefers time with his friends and not you? Jeez what a prince you've landed there OP.

And if he's simply playing the guilt card with you to facilitate him having nights out with his mates rather than spending time with you?

You're just a Nanny with a Fanny, and you need to dump his asap, as you're only useful to him when he has to parent, otherwise you're just 'dead weight' to him...

He is guilt-tripping you and gaslighting you into thinking that you need to love her more/most.

Why is he doing that? Because, he knows if he can convince you that you love his DD so much, you won't leave, even though he treats you like crap on a cracker.

Do you understand that he wants to spend NO time with you for a date night, on a weekend, when there is just the two of you. He considers THAT time as his "buddies time". Not time for the two of you to build a deeper relationship.

He is using you and using his DD as a pawn to get you in as deep as possible.
What does he do for YOU to show you he loves you? What kind of life do you have with him when his daughter isn't around? How often does he tell you he loves YOU and wants to spend time with JUST you?

Could there be more to this maybe?

If he was such a good parent /partner why was he alone with a very young child.

Sometimes things don't work out and it's best for all, but his behaviour sounds more like a damaging, manipulating man. Some change when their partner is pregnant.

Did you get manipulated into feeling sorry for him?

When you met him was he after custody to hurt his ex or reduce child payments.
Why does he want the child when he doesn't spend time alone with her and expects you to parent her.

Did he tell you why? Was his ex 'crazy', an alcoholic etc as per some of the abusive male scripts

I think we could all benefit from being a little bit more French…

‘the French generally do not consider their children to be a greater priority than their partners. In fact, sociological studies and cross-cultural analyses—most notably highlighted by authors comparing Anglo-Saxon and French family structures—show that the French tend to prioritize the adult couple and the preservation of parental identity over child-centrism.
While English and American cultures have leaned heavily toward a "child-centric" model where the child becomes the main project of the household, French culture explicitly values keeping the romantic relationship and adult independence intact’

Exactly this. Your post concerns me and he sounds manipulative and controlling. Leaving you to look after the child - where is he ? Then swanning off with his mates when he's free from child care. Read back your post and see how you would advise a friend ? Please don't have a child with this man. He is using you and you're falling for it. Please be brave and stand up for yourself. You're worth so much more.

What an absolute load of rubbish. Why are you putting up with this?

He is a good dad, he doesn’t offload care onto me.

Does he not, no? You keep telling yourself that.

He sounds truly awful.
Not a good man.
You are being used.
You are a convenience.

You are out of your mind if you think this relationship is a healthy, normal one.

It is not good for you.

You are wasting your life being used.
So sad.

This. Get rid - he’s not even trying to hide the fact that your job is his child; his job is himself. Your OP suggests you do all the parenting. What a twat! (Him not you)

Leave and don't look back.

I would think twice before getting into a relationship with a man with such a young child