AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

Those nationalities have emotions too(!)

Good advice though!

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

🙄

Some details have been changed to try and not be outing. I did write DSD was 6. She’s actually 4. As I have said, please do report the thread or ask for clarification from mumsnet that were not the same poster

He is manipulating you to be an unpaid nanny and has no consideration for your own wellbeing or concerns.
He would rather be out with his friends than spend quality time with you !!!
If you marry he will become even worse.
Get rid.

He comes first for you.

You come last for him, after his daughter (fair) and his friends.

Worse, he's criticising you for not putting HIS child first in your life. Who does he think you are, her mother?

You can do better than this, don't let anyone treat you so poorly. You're better off alone without someone chipping away at your self-worth.

Have I missed something. What made you think they were the same person? Nothing similar at all. Even if there were similarities: there's bound to be people going through the same things.

This really isn’t the relevant point from the thread op. Glad you’re reading though, just hope you’re taking it in

He is using being a parent as an excuse to spend all his free time with his friends and not you. That's quite the stretch! Especially as it comes with a side dose of you not being entitled (allowed?) to see your own friends.

I Was going to say YANBU on reading your thread title, but actually YABU to love him more than his daughter because he's an arsehole.

OK, but there are similarities between your situations. I think you should read that thread even if you didn’t start it.

Thank you!

Pretending to be an English speaking Dutch person is something that can help if you are not naturally assertive. Someone who can state what they need and want and - because they are so straightforward - someone who is difficult to manipulate.

It is quite all right to say when your needs are not being met. Wanting your partner to go on a date once a fortnight is not an elaborate expectation.

Why are you focusing on this rather than all the posts saying RUN?

Luckily you're not married to him.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt your DP is wrong.

There is no ‘I love her more than you’ here. The love for a child and the love fir a partner are two very different things. They are not comparable and cannot be put against each other.
RESPONSIBILITY is different. His responsibility towards his child goes way above his responsibility towards you. That’s where puttimg her well-being before you comes from.

What is telling you is ‘I’m puttimg myself and my friends ahead of you and you should just accept that’
Think about it. If that child was yours too, would you accept that spending time as a family is the same than as a couple? You’d do the same things? Of course not.
He is simply using the ‘time as a family’ as an excuse to make you feel guilty (and he is somehow successful too).
He should WANT to spend time with you above his friends. I mean, it’s only been 3 years. You’re not married. What is it going to look like in 5 or 10 years time? A quick sex session twice a week and that’s it for intimacy, couple time etc….

"I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help).

Why are you doing that not him? Has he ever said "right kiddo let's get you to school then" or is it more a case of "I can't take X to school today but you'll do it won't you?"

I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

Why does he expect you to be at home with him and DSD at weekends, why doesn't he want 1-1 time with his daughter?

He's so obviously using you but love has made you too blind to see it.

She's 4 and you've been with your partner 3 years. Wow! He moves fast.

This is really sad, you sound like a lovely woman. He is taking advantage of that, he wants you as stepmum for his child, not as his partner. You deserve so much better.

YABU for wasting your time, energy and life on this PoS man. Leave him, find someone who makes you happy and have children of your own with him (if you so wish).

Dump him and find a man without baggage.

He wants to spend time with you when it suits him and you can parent his child for him . Start going out with your friends in his days so he can PARENT .

I think date nights and quality time are important for ANY relationship.

My partner is my DDs step-dad. She always comes first but we also believe that spending time as a couple is important. Even if it's just having lunch together on a work day or a movie date night. And I am very happy for him to continue doing his hobbies. Seems to be working for us 6 years in.

At weekends your partner expects you to be with him and his daughter. So to facilitate this wish of your partner's, you don't really socialise with your friends. Yet when you suggest spending time together as a couple, when his daughter is with her Mum, he wants to socialise with his friends???!!!

Read that back to yourself OP! Your partner wants you at home, to help him look after his daughter. If you go out with your friends, it means he'll be parenting solo. He doesn't see your relationship as a couple as being important, because to him, it isn't. Your job is to care for his child or help him care for his child. You are a convenience.

Your partner's feelings towards his own daughter, are going to be different from yours. That's perfectly normal. For your partner to suggest otherwise is ridiculous. To me, he's saying that he wants your sole focus to be on his daughter. He doesn't want you focused elsewhere, like 'date nights' with him or 'going out with friends'.

Personally, I agree with others 'nanny with a fanny' springs to mind. You actually need to step back. You need to start socialising with your friends regardless of what your partner wants. My guess is that he'll get cross that you want to do this, and really that tells you all you need to know.

You are too involved. The reason why you're so involved is because your partner wants you to be. Your partner is his daughter's parent, he should be doing the majority of the parenting on his contact time. You are there as a second supportive adult.

You sound a very good, very balanced step mum. He's using you though. Dozens have said it already so I wouldn't normally repeat it but you need to see this clearly. He's using you so he can live the life he wants whilst you don't get to live the life you want.

What are the logistics of living together? Bought together? Rent together? One moved in with the other?

He seems very black and white OP. Has he always been like this? Have a couples night while the child is with her mum doesn’t mean you don’t love DSD and neither does loving your partner. It’s all a bit odd.
also if expects you to love DSD more than him then isn’t he basically admitting that his interest in you is about whether you’d be a good SM to his child and not about whether he actually has feelings for you?

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt For goodness OP, you're being used. Your boyfriend wants a nanny with a fanny. He's gaslighting and controlling you left right and centre. Do yourself a favour and get out now.

Absolutely!

I also noticed that he has freedom to see his friends but @Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt does not get to visit her "further flung" friends.

He is expecting @Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt to make ALL the sacrifices pushed onto mothers, while he gets to enjoy more of his time.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt He is so set on his own narrative that he is overlooking all you do for his daughter. Is it you who stays in looking after her while he socialises elsewhere?