AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

He’s using you because it’s tough being alone with a young child for large periods of time (for many people at least).

In his defence, he is being quite open and honest about it so at least you know where you stand.

Just read your later comments about what a good dad he is. If this is true, he’s still not a good partner - and doesn’t seem interested in being one. Do you want kids of your own? If so, that might be enough for you, assuming he is capable of being an equally good dad to your joint kids. A word of warning though: don’t be surprised if, when the time comes, he doesn’t want more kids. He’ll probably claim it wouldn’t be fair on DD, but it’ll be more likely that he won’t want to be roped into being a full-time parent (and partner) OR he’ll agree to one and still carry on as though he’s single part of the time (or even more of the time) because he’ll be able to guilt you into doing all the childcare because you’re doing it for yours, so you need to do it for DSD or she’ll think you don’t love her.

Seriously, he’s shown you who he is and what he’s prepared to give you - and this is in the early, honey moon phase of the relationship. Run for the hills and don’t look back.

Gosh, you set the bar very low don't you? Most couples realize that even though they're parents, they sometimes need to prioritize their own relationship too, even when it's difficult to arrange an occasional evening out together. In the OP's case this opportunity naturally occurs more often as the child spends some of the time with her mother. The fact that OP's DP would rather spend his child free time with his mates than the OP simply serves to underline the fact that he regards her as a'nanny with a fanny: And if he can't be bothered to put the effort in at this relatively early stage of the relationship it really doesn't't auger well for the future. He sounds like a selfish knob and it's no surprise that his Ex decided to bin him. OP would be well-advised to do the same!

Dump him… these type of men want nannies with fannies and they then turn into the men who want nurses with purses. And I’m not actually even trying to be glib or smart.. it’s true. You’re not going to get a happy life with this man. Never. Get him to fuck. And edited to say .. he’s using you as a place holder … and that’s on him not you. But if his dream woman comes along … you’ll be out the door in a flash .. so seriously… leave him or you’ll be back here in -0 years when his daughter is older telling us he’s cheating on you. You deserve so so much better than this!

He is controlling and taking advantage of you.
Instead of appreciating what you do for him,
he's using pathetic excuses to guilt trip you.
I don't understand why men treat women like this. You need to be firm and set boundaries, so that you fully understand where this relationship is heading and if you want to stay in it.

Even though he doesn't offload the childcare on to you and does it himself, he's not paying any importance to spending any time with you.
So is this what life is going to be like?
You both spend time looking after the child, when the child is not with him, he wants to spend time with his friends.
When is he spending time with you?
Just imagine what he would say if you went out with your friends and left him to parent his DD.

He doesn't find it important to spend any time with you.

Do you want to spend your life in such a relationship, where you are not important to him anymore?
Unfortunately he won't change, it will only get worse not better?
I wouldn't be happy with a man, if I was investing my time to care for his child but he thought it wasn't important to spend any time with me.

Bull crap, the child is his not hers. Is his main respnsability, not hers. If he wants to see his friends fair enough, arrange a babysitter. OP is under no obligation to guve her free time so he can go see his friends.

Another thread where I say you are not the default parent, he wants a nanny for his child, he expects you to act like a Mum but for him to act like a single man when HE is the actual parent.

Please get rid of him @Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt

He’s an arse hole and using you. He doesn’t value your relationship beyond you looking after his daughter

You are the child's STEPMUM. Of COURSE you cannot love a step child as much as your own child! If the child had lost their mum, and you therefore adopted her, then you could love her as yours, but as long as the kid has a mum, you should feel zero obligation to love her like yours, when she's not yours.

Her mum (and dad) can stop you seeing her at literally a moments notice, and you have ZERO rights. This has happened to two people I know. In one case, the father used the step-children as blackmail, telling my friend that he would leave her and she would have no rights to the kids if she didn't accept HIS bad behaviour.

Why would you then love this child as your own? If say your partner isn't a bully, as other posters have suggested, then he's at a minimum making you responsible for creating an idealised life for him, at no cost to himself.

It's funny I always said I couldn't marry a man that had kids because it's waaay to messy (even if it's neither his nor the kids' fault). I feel you'd just entangle yourself in a messy situation, where you, and your needs become secondary. As a mum I'm happy to make myself secondary to my kids. But definitely not to another (living) woman's kids.

I'm guessing at the start of the relationship, you had a discussion where he said something like "I come with a child and all the mess that comes along with that, are you able to deal with that". And in agreeing to that, you feel you have to have some responsibilites, but don't know where the line is. BUT it seems your partner is effectively putting most of the responsibility (for dealing with the mess of a step child) on you, and he wants to go about living as if there is no mess.

No, HE is responsible for dealing with "all the mess" of having another child. Not you. You love him, and are willing to SUPPORT him with "the mess", but not to become the OWNER of said mess. Which it very much seems like he is (consciously or unconsciously) trying to put you in charge of.

You love HIM and are interested in a relationship with HIM. His child is HIS baggage, which you are in principle willing to accept, but he should be on his knees, thanking you for taking on his baggage, rather than transferring responsibility for said baggage onto you. He needs to get a grip.

I think some women are successful in step mum relationships, but they have firm boundaries in place about their needs and don't make themselves martyrs.

This "I know I come second" stuff is a load of rubbish.

There are some scenarios where children have to take priority because they are children. But it's not about one or the other coming first. There are points when all relationships whether it be romantic or parent/child, need prioritising and nurturing.

In a normal family there isn't any of this constant need to reassure the other party that you know you "come second". I don't "come second" to my husband. We are all of equal importance as a family, we all have needs that need to be met. Sometimes, naturally, children have to be prioritised, that doesn't mean they are more important than anyone else in the family though.

Saying you'd like to go on the odd date with your partner is not unreasonable, wanting to be prioritised by your partner every now and then, is not unreasonable.

Sorry but why would you love his daughter more than him? She isn't your daughter. He needs to accept that. He can't shoehorn you into the emotional role of his daughter's parent. You aren't her parent. You have to be kind to her obviously, which you are. But you aren't required to love her like your own.

' I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends. '

Sadly he has only moved you in so you can help him parent his child.

I hope you have kept your friends as you need to make sure you see them !

Pretty sure that in 12 pages of replies ' nanny with a fanny ' has been mentioned several times.

I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD which I do understand

My partner doesn't 'expect' me to drop plans just because his child is with us. I do spend time with DSC but not all the time. It's me that decides what I do with my time. I also think it's important for step children to have one to one time with their parent sometimes. If you split, you'll more than likely not see the child again. He's manipulating you to make his life easier, that's all.

This was my first thought

🚩

This is not about love. It’s about time and priorities. Your partner is being manipulative by saying it’s about how much you love his daughter. You are showing that you care a lot for his daughter by your actions. He is showing that he does not care a lot for you by his actions. He sounds like a tosser.

I got into a situation like this - two girls - and I had to leave.
The thing is you aren’t married to him and you are not this little girl’s mum.
He could end the relationship tomorrow and you would never see her again.
So I would say proceed with caution and take a step back and build your own life more.
My issue in the end was I did love the kids more than him as he was a dick but to say it broke my heart was an understatement. I had got used to them and all of their ways and then I had to leave them behind.
I do not regret it.
I was soon replaced.
You don’t have to be at home with them all weekend and you have every right to have a separate romantic relationship as well as times with your own friends and family.

"The little girl who loves you is going to understand that it’s because of her you left her life and abandoned her, and she will be correct."

No, she won't be correct. It will be because of her twat of a father, which she will understand one day.

and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends

This is all entirely disingenuous on his part OP.

The discussion started because he wanted to prioritise time with his friends over time with you, which he twisted to make about time with his daughter.

That’s the real issue. Your priorities are fine. He doesn’t want to spend time with you and he’s got you in as a nanny with a fanny.

And have you been together for 3 yrs like in your OP? Because if so, even that, sheds him in a poor light too, starting a new relationship when he has a baby with someone else.

He's a manipulative swine and he's full of shit.

Sadly, despite all of the responses on here, you don't see it - yet.

Oh OP I'm sorry but he's using you. He doesn't love you - you're free childcare and a fuck.

Sorry to be so blunt but I get the impression that you'll be hard to get through to.

Came on to say exactly this.

He's a prick for making you feel this way.

I would dump him. He is nasty.

This 100%. He is a head worker. Really manipulative.

Op isnt taking anything on board from anyone here.

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