AIBU to love my partner more than his daughter?

[Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt]

I don’t have any children of my own, but I am in a relationship to a man who has a little girl. We’ve been together 3 years, and we’ve just moved in together. Little girl is 6.

I’ve always understood the importance of being a stable, caring and loving person for DSD. I love her a lot, and care about her. There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special. I only very occasionally see my friends as I work long hours, and the journey is very well - at weekends, DP expects me to be at home with him and DSD, which I do understand.

DSD (I think) loves me. She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

All in all, I have tried very hard to be a good stepmum (I know I’m not technically a stepmum as we’re not yet married, but I see her as my stepchild).

During an argument the other day, DP told me that I was “expecting too much romance”, because I suggested that on a Friday night (when DSD is not at home with us), we plan a date night/activity for us to do. He said that this is a life of a parent, and on Fridays when he’s not having to parent he wants to see his friends.

I said relationships need nurturing, and we need to make time for each other. Again he said, this is parenting. I spoke to my friends who have their own children and they said to me I wasn’t being unreasonable, and that of course we need time (when Dsd is naturally not here) to be a couple.

DP took great offence to this and said that I should be happy spending time as a 3. I reassured him I was, but that I also valued time with just him.

He told me, in no uncertain terms, that my main focus in life should be his daughter. He said that he should come second to this. I tried to explain that I understood this was his experience - that his daughter is of course his main priority, and I am not upset that I am second. I then said, but I am firstly your partner, my relationship with DSD exists because of that relationship.

This really upset him. I kept saying, I love your daughter, I understand her needs and nurturing are the number one priority - but to me, I also need time with him (when it naturally comes up) to be a couple.

DP told me to get this out of my head, and that I need to love his daughter more than him.

Just to clarify as I know this is very long:

1. I love his daughter. I’ve never had any issues being a stepparent.
2. I encourage DP to spend as much time as possible with her - I encourage him to take “extra” days when her mum asks as it’s good for their relationship
3. I’ve told him I love spending time with his daughter, and I genuinely do. I plan lovely days for us all.
4. I’ve also expressed that it’s important our “couple identity” doesn’t get lost (which my friends have said is normal even when people share a child biologically)
5. Dp thinks my main focus should be his daughter, and that I should love her more than I love him
6. I’ve told him I understand this is his experience, and it’s a very reasonable experience. But it’s not my experience.
7. He’s now upset and says I don’t care about his daughter

AIBU?

So he wants you around whenever he has his daughter and wants to spend time with friends when he doesn't. So he doesn't have any time left for just the two of you? This is rubbish. Even a bio family with two parents should try to find time to be a couple sometimes. He is unreasonable to think you should love his daughter as much as he does, how do we even measure love anyway? I think you should endeavour to sometimes see friends while he has his daughter, you are obviously responsible for her on your own occasionally even if it's only school drop off etc.

This just isn’t true. He does offload the work onto you:

There’s been times when she’s been unwell and I’ve looked after her, I drop her to school and pick her up (when she’s at home with us, or when her mum needs some help). I’ve made christmases and birthdays special.

She will come to me for bedtime stories, when she’s crying. I take her out on my own to play centres/museums.

You do the school runs for him, you take his place in helping out his ex, you plan birthdays and Christmas so he doesn’t have to, you do bedtime and stories with her, comfort her when she’s upset, tend to her when she’s ill, and entertain her by taking her out alone. All of that is him taking advantage of you and outsourcing his parenting.

You’re his nanny with a fanny, as others have said. He’s not interested in the relationship, he’s interested in you parenting for him so he doesn’t have to be inconvenienced by it.

If you were my sister, or a close friend, I would implore you to walk away from this man.

He is a massive red flag and would most certainly try to dictate how much you could love your own biological child, compared to his DD. You would never be free to do things/buy things for your own dc without doing same for DSD.

Above all though OP, he really is using you and sees you first and foremost, as live-in childcare. Do your future a favour by throwing this one back.

So many posts like yours @Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt, too many men expect the DM of their child to be easily replaced by any woman. A DM does so much for her baby, when she splits up with the father he just expects to replace one woman with another, he wants to get back to that level of care/service where the DM puts her child before herself so he gets away with doing the minimum. You're not the child's mother Op, you won't love her more than anyone and her actual mother wouldn't welcome that.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt when you moved in together, are you renting together? Who moved in with who?

DH and I have a son together and also he has a daughter from a previous relationship who we have about 30% of the time. We still have date nights, we arrange a sitter (usually family member) for DS and we always have date nights on nights we don’t have DSD. This makes the most sense.

We love our children dearly both DS and DSD but we are a couple first. If we don’t have a strong relationship then our little family will not stay together. Children leave (eventually and hopefully) to their own lives.

We have endured storms as a couple because we are strong.

He “expects you to be at home” at the expense of you having a social life?!

FUCK THAT AND FUCK HIM.

He is telling you that you and your relationship with him are not one of his priorities. He’d rather see his friends in his free time, than spend it with you!

He is a walking red flag, if you were my friend/family member I’d be advising you to leave him. He is using you OP. Dont waste your life with him.

Outrageous. He's a user. He's not prepared to make an effort for you, but expects you to treat his daughter like your own and all the work that entails.

I would not be happy

you do so much for your partner and DSD OP. It doesn’t sound like your partner does much for you or ever puts your needs first. Asking for a date night on the nights when DSD is completely reasonable. It sounds like your partner only wants to spend time with you with DSD - when you will also be splitting caring for his child. Unfortunately I agree with pps that he’s using you for childcare - as he isn’t thinking about you at all. You shouldn’t love his daughter as much as him - you aren’t her mother and if you were to split up with your partner then you wouldn’t be caring for her anymore

His daughter is not your responsibility. He should be grateful for whatever you do for her, as everything you do is an extra and not your obligation. He is the one with the kid so HE should make sure it works and does not affect you relationship.

Stop being "nice" and start thinking of your own needs.

I am afraid this is the start of being a nanny with a fanny. He may be a good Dad but he is not a good partner. His attitude is all wong.

Sorry to say this but after what he said and his expectations. I would end the relationship.

Also to add - its a bit creepy when I hear random females "love" the kid of their partner. This girl have a mother and you are not going to win anyone by bending over backwards to show how maternal you are towards his child. The only thing you will achieve is him thinking its acceptable for you to provide free childcare because " you love her so much". You need to take a step back and to make him parent his own child while showing you this relationship is worth continuing.

I'm sure you love her as much as you would love nephews/nieces, or an adopted child etc, and as long as your relationship continues happily, your love will increase over time too.

I have to disagree with this. People will ideally love an adopted child just the same as their own, and more than a stepchild. Not everyone loves their own child immediately either - for some it has to grow over months.

Honestly OP I usually roll my eyes at the 'nanny with a fanny' and LTB responses but in this case I'm in full agreement. Hope you're ok xxx

Op you sound like a kind and caring SM, only if your DP could appreciate it, he doesn't op, your doing all the nice caring things but yet he wants more, no no op your doing great and above and beyond here,
He chooses his Friday nights with his friends over spending quality time with you,
The weekends parenting his child, yes op he co- parents child, that's a decision they made how to do this, not your responsibility op, your weekends should be doing whatever you want, gym, friends for lunch, walk in the park, visiting your family, thats OK, be there for bedtimes if you wish, but if you wish,

Please dont allow him saying these things to you so you then will feel guilty, no op ' your are the SM'

I do think its lovely you have taken on alot of the parenting , that say alot about how nice and caring you are, but you need some boundaries here op, never explain or plead to a man about how much you love his child, this should never have been asked,

He is taking you for granted while making you feel guilty,

Please listen to your friends,

Set a boundary op, your love for this child isn't up for discussion, what you do for her is lovely but its ok for you to have your own time too, 💐

'Random females'? OP does pretty much everything for her DSD that a mother would do, from the sounds of it. It's very insulting to call her a random female, and yes actually what she is doing is stepparenting. It doesn't sound like you have a clue what you are talking about where this subject is concerned.

My ex had several partners after we split up 14 years ago. Every single one of them tried to be "the best step mother ever", all nice ladies - but it did not win them any points with my cunt of an ex. And yes, they all are just randoms to my DC - even though some of them were in his life for 3-5 years. He has no feelings for them and does not think of them at all. I think I am the only person who is grateful to them. So yes, it doesn't sound like I know what I'm talking about, brrr.

@Itstheendoftheworldasweknowitt Try this. See if he does guilt trip you

Different situation. I was actually asking if you'd been a stepparent.

Sorry, but I agree with other PPs that he’s using you as free childcare.

Sorry to be harsh. You're just a nanny with a fanny. Get out now.

Have you sat him down and asked him what your future together looks like? Does he intend to marry you? Does he want to have a child or children with you? Does he want and see the future the same way as you? And why has he not proposed yet? His answers will very clearly and quickly clarify your relationship but I expect you do not mean as much to him as you think he does to you. Ask him if you would be together if his daughter wasn’t in the picture.

I agree. It's been said many times, its so glaringly obvious whenever you quote him.

It's hard to see something clearly when you are right in the middle of it... but the script behind the script that shouts out from his quotes are

you are not a good person because you don't love enough.
You need to prove that you love enough by doing more (and more)
You don't love my daughter at all, I am putting her first but you are not..
That means that you don't really love me.
You don't understand that but I do, you are not as good a person as me.

And so every time you try to discuss things with him, he falls back into this..
Round and round in circles.
and the effect is.. you feel so bad.. yes you do love them. how can you prove it. what will it take for him to accept that you love him and his daughter and you understand.

You say he's a really good dad because he puts his daughter first. But to be cynical about this I don't think he is. He's got a sweet deal. He has his DD over. You are always there because he would rather have all three of you instead of one to one with her. WHY. A cynic would say because its much easier for him if you are there. You've had to cut down seeing your friends. Of course you have because your priority is to put his DD first remember? Even when she's not there.
Write a list of the parenting you do, (and when you are in a 3)
Then a list of what he does entirely on his own. How much time he spends.

He's made you feel so guilty yet when looked at rationally you seem to be present or doing the majority of the parenting for his child and yet and he's not even grateful, you are still in the wrong. All the time..

Why is that do you think?

HInt: If he was grateful and you were not in the wrong all the time, he'd have to start taking YOUR feelings into consideration. But then he'd have to do more parenting himself and couldn't carry on posing as the sainted dad, the only person who really puts his DD first.

Sorry to sound so harsh OP x

Agree, he’s a big red flag!! 🚩 I think you should reconsider if this is really the relationship you want. Remember, it never gets better!

He’s being massively unreasonable. Of course, you wouldn’t love a step child more than your romantic partner.

I love my kids more than I love my DH, we made them together and they’re amazing. DH loves our DC more than he loves me and I want that to be how it is. It wouldn’t be the same with a step child.

I love my sister, but I don’t love my biological niece. I’m fond of her, but it’s not love. And I definitely don’t love my step mother, PILs, BIL, SIL or the nieces/nephews on DH’s side of the family. They’re nice, I like them, but that’s all 😂