DP chose to hide our baby from his ex girlfriend/best friend until after I miscarried. AIBU to feel so exposed now?

[NMac25]

Hi everyone, I need some objective perspectives while I process this. I am physically recovering from a traumatic miscarriage earlier this week where I almost died. My mind is currently overwhelmed with hormones, grief, and total exhaustion.

For context regarding his female "best friend":

• I have never met her. She lives at the bottom of the UK.
• They met on a working holiday in Greece years ago and started sleeping together while she had a boyfriend. She eventually broke things off with my DP, he was gutted but they remained "best friends."
• She has been through multiple partners since, and DP has said that "none of them have treated her right."
• DP's phone lock screen is still a goofy picture of the two of them, and he still wears friendship bracelets from that holiday.
• Up until now, I’ve tried to be mature and tolerate it, rationalizing that she lives far away and he was just romanticizing a past chapter.

When we found out I was pregnant, DP was thrilled. He eagerly told his parents, colleagues, and mates early on. However, he hid our pregnancy from her the entire time the baby was alive.
Last night, he finally messaged her and told her about it—and the fact that we had lost the baby.

I just don't understand how he found it impossible to tell her he was going to be a dad, but felt comfortable telling her once our baby was dead. It feels like after the commitment of having a child with another woman was gone, he finally felt he could tell her and maybe get sympathy without their relationship changing?

I broke down and asked him why he kept our baby a secret from her while telling everyone else in his life, his excuses were:

• "I don't know."
• "I was going to tell her after that last scan." (Even though he told everyone else weeks before any scan).

Because everything feels so raw right now, I don't know if I'm hyper-sensitive from the physical trauma and post partum hormones, or if I'm seeing red flags that I previously excused.

I'm so so sorry you lost your baby. That must be incredibly painful.

Having said that, I don't think this man is right for you. He has one foot in that woman's life and I think if you hit tough times together he'd be off. He can't justify his behaviour. She'll always be there - I'd cut my losses and try to find someone who wasn't still connected to his ex.

You probably are feeling more hormonal and unreasonable than normal but I also think you’ve tolerated whatever their friendship is for far too long.

It sounds like he still fancies her but she isn’t into him. The lockscreen thing and the friendship bracelets are weird.

So sorry for your loss 😞

I am sorry about your loss and also about the situation you are in. This relationship is a non-starter. I also have a best friend with whom I was romantically involved many moons ago but I assure you I do not have his mug shot as my screensaver. I wouldn't dream of disrespecting my partner in this way.
I really think you need to carefully consider your relationship going forward.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP that sounds awful. From what you’ve said it does sound like he still has feelings for her and I think you should be very careful.

How do you know he hid it until now? How did you find this out?

What’s the ‘bottom of the UK’? How long have you been with him?

He has feelings for her.

Sounds like he's in love with her op.

I'm sorry that's awful. My guess - he still hopes she will give him a 'better' offer, but when he tells her you are pregnant, a half-decent woman would be even less likely to get together with him. Now that the baby has died, it opens up the possibility again. I don't think he's the man for you.

So sorry op but he is still in love with her.

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss.

Sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately she is his one. If his phone lock screen is still them years later and a pregnancy. If he is still wearing friendship bracelets from way back when and he didn’t want her to know he was going to be a dad.

He hasn’t moved on. So you need to move on from him. You’ll never have his heart properly.

So many red flags from the beginning. Why would you even entertain the thought of procreating with a man who has his ex as his lockscreen?

He's told me, he's kept saying "I don't know how to tell so and so" or " "I can't believe I see till haven't told her yet". He's very open about her, he's kept no secrets about how he values the relationship, though I don't know why she has a best friend title when they live hundreds of miles apart and speak semi regularly.

We've been together less than a year, though we fell hard, which is rare for me, not so much for him. I've never felt this openly loved before, but now my emotions are out of whack and feel like I'm sharing him.

I'm really sorry op but I wouldn't stick around. This is going to end up very messy if you do.

if it's normally fine, they genuinely aren't meeting up, there's no messages back of forth of love and longing, then I wouldn't do anything whilst you're grieving your baby. how does he feel about the miscarriage?

He loves her,

Why are you with a man who has a best female 'friend' whom he had sex with, and he still has her picture as his lock screen? Do you think this is normal?

Any man who picks another female over you, is a no no. All it takes is for one of them to move closer to the other..

What does remaining " best friends" look like OP? Because given the way their relationship started with her cheating on her bf at the time it wouldn't be surprising if they still had sex if and when they have the opportunity.

He certainly still must have hopes of getting back into a proper relationship with her if he didn't want her to kniw he was going to be a father. I think you have been amazingly tolerant of his feelings for this woman up until now.

I'm so sorry about your devastating recent experience. I thinl you should take this opportunity to rethink whether this relationship is worth going forward with given his obvious long standing feelings for this woman.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think your grief is shinning a light on things you haven't wanted to face before. This man still holds a torch for his ex and would be back there in a shot if she beckoned. That's why he didn't tell her, because he didn't want to close the door on the chance she might have him back. Now he's told her hoping it'll reel her in closer.

I’m sorry for your loss. To answer your question, there were plenty of people I told about my miscarriage after the fact who I never got around to telling about my pregnancy. I don’t think that’s necessarily odd or that it means anything.

But this is not the relationship for you. It’s impossible to get your head around now, but one day you will be grateful you didn’t chain yourself for life with a baby to this man and his drama.

This. Op he has HER on his phone for the world to see. Why do you want to be with him?

I think they talk about their shared hobbies and send each other reels. I've never seen any messages or would expect him to be confessing his love for her. He's shown nothing but affection and future building with me but this bubble they have makes me so uncomfortable.

He was really heartbroken about the baby, like he was chatting with his mum and dad about parenthood and excitedly telling his guy friends. But for some reason not her, and it suddenly just felt really hurtful.

I’m sorry for your miscarriage that must be so hard.
If I can be honest without upsetting you more, his relationship with her sounds very strange. I’d be really upset if my DH/ partner had his lock screen picture of his ex girlfriend. I know you say that she is his best friend but she is also his ex!

I find it funny that you have ignored all the other messages telling you this isn't normal and picked the one defending your partner.

Good luck, you're going to need it with this one.

Op the only thing that can happen here is that you remain on edge about them or he takes a step back and is bitter about you causing them to be over. I’m so sorry

I think that their “friendship” makes you feel insecure (no shame there- I would hate this) and that’s why this has added to the pain of your miscarriage. I’m so sorry for your loss,

Aw love, focus on your rest and physical recovery, surround yourself with support as you process your loss and grieve. I’m so sorry about your baby.

Pick this conversation up again when you have the strength to hold him to account, for what it’s worth I think your instincts that something is off are right.