DP chose to hide our baby from his ex girlfriend/best friend until after I miscarried. AIBU to feel so exposed now?

[NMac25]

Hi everyone, I need some objective perspectives while I process this. I am physically recovering from a traumatic miscarriage earlier this week where I almost died. My mind is currently overwhelmed with hormones, grief, and total exhaustion.

For context regarding his female "best friend":

• I have never met her. She lives at the bottom of the UK.
• They met on a working holiday in Greece years ago and started sleeping together while she had a boyfriend. She eventually broke things off with my DP, he was gutted but they remained "best friends."
• She has been through multiple partners since, and DP has said that "none of them have treated her right."
• DP's phone lock screen is still a goofy picture of the two of them, and he still wears friendship bracelets from that holiday.
• Up until now, I’ve tried to be mature and tolerate it, rationalizing that she lives far away and he was just romanticizing a past chapter.

When we found out I was pregnant, DP was thrilled. He eagerly told his parents, colleagues, and mates early on. However, he hid our pregnancy from her the entire time the baby was alive.
Last night, he finally messaged her and told her about it—and the fact that we had lost the baby.

I just don't understand how he found it impossible to tell her he was going to be a dad, but felt comfortable telling her once our baby was dead. It feels like after the commitment of having a child with another woman was gone, he finally felt he could tell her and maybe get sympathy without their relationship changing?

I broke down and asked him why he kept our baby a secret from her while telling everyone else in his life, his excuses were:

• "I don't know."
• "I was going to tell her after that last scan." (Even though he told everyone else weeks before any scan).

Because everything feels so raw right now, I don't know if I'm hyper-sensitive from the physical trauma and post partum hormones, or if I'm seeing red flags that I previously excused.

I’m really friends with my ex and we speak semi regularly too, and I’d be unhappy about this setup. His block screen, the friendship bracelets from so long ago still worn? No way

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself for how you feel. How you feel is not your fault. You're not being insecure. You have boundaries.

It is okay, and actually healthy, to have boundaries.

For many women, a partner or husband who had an ex-GF with whom he was still semi-in love would not be something they would feel comfortable with. I am one of them. I would not feel respected in the scenario you've described you have gone through. My personal values and boundaries would not align with having a relationship with a man who was still stuck obsessing about 'the one that got away'.

I also think it feels disrespectful for him to have told her once the baby was no longer alive and therefore, no longer able to come into existence.

I would highly recommend getting yourself a therapist to help you navigate this situation and your baby loss.

DP's phone lock screen is still a goofy picture of the two of them, and he still wears friendship bracelets from that holiday.

I would be more concerned about that about than the point at which he told her about your pregnancy. I don't think this is the man for you.

"DP's phone lock screen is still a goofy picture of the two of them, and he still wears friendship bracelets from that holiday."

This is utterly bizarre from a man intending to have a baby with someone else. Is this the relationship you dreamed of? I doubt it.

Update:
We talked last night, told him can't think of any reason you'd hide it from her other than wanting to keep that door open. He said all the right things; how he loves me and only me, how when he joked about ring shopping after us accidentally moving so fast with a pregnancy he was only half joking, how he fully intends to spend his life with me, and how he'd do anything to stop me having doubts. Trouble for me is words mean very little when the actions have said the opposite, even accidentally.

Talked again this morning as i struggled to get the words out last night, I was very quiet and crying a lot, I'm not confrontational at all. He asked what he could do to show he's all in. I said you could lose the friendship band and lock screen photo. He immediately tore it off and changed the photo, saying he's been meaning to to it for ages (again, words...).

I asked if he understood why these things affected me. He said yeh I do now, but I explained anyway, saying it doesn't matter if you haven't spoken much lately. She's your lock screen - so you must want to see her everyday, she's on your wrist - so you must want a physical reminder everyday, and you couldn't tell her you were going to be a dad but could tell her the baby died almost immediately - you didn't want her to know how committed you were to me, but once it was off the table you could share it almost immediately.

He's been very cautiously affectionate and has no idea what to do, clearly terrified at how much this has affected me. He says he didn't realise that me sleeping downstairs and crying all day yesterday was because he told his ex and startled me awake by leaping out of bed at 10.15pm to take her call, leaving me alone and thinking all the terrible thoughts.

It's less heavy today after getting it off my chest and he's not stopped cleaning, cooking, doing laundry etc all morning, constantly asking if I need anything and telling me he loves me. It's comforting for a minute, but I still feel detached and trapped in my shell thinking about it all.

Firstly sorry for your loss.

There's an adage "If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't right".

From the point of view of an outsider this doesn't feel right.

What's he done with the bracelet - is it in the bin?

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage and you are right, those hormones do make us very unbalanced at times.

However my first thought is he has never, ever got over her and if she ever gave the hint she misses him he will be off without a backward glance. You will always remain his second choice and yes, he might love you, he might want to build a life with you but she will always be his first love. Think of it as you are his Diana, she is his Camilla. Can you fully accept this? If no, then it's time to part.

And I don’t want to be insensitive but please double down on your contraception. You need to give this relationship at least another year before making any more commitments. A bit of light dusting isn’t going to be enough for him to gain your full confidence in his words.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing all these unimaginably painful things at once.

but i think you should also trust your instinct. The way you are reacting and how you are understanding your BFs behaviour is not a symptom of you being hormonal. It’s your mind and body giving you a reality check.

Gently, I think it’s time to part ways. At best he will have realised how much his friend upsets you, and learn to keep that friendship secret / quiet while changing none of his feelings.

sending you big hugs

I’m so sorry for your loss 💔

to be brutally blunt he’s in love with her, it’s quite clear

Sorry, he leapt out of he’d to take her call at 10.15pm? Does he always jump to her tune? How did he even know it was her ringing (unless phone next to bed). To me, this is another red flag. She’s very much the third person in your relationship.

Does he always prioritise her calls over you.l? Maybe it’s habit and/all she now expects it (and gets huffy if ignored), but he really does need to step back.
.
Who phones at 10.15pm at night anyway? You know the other person is likely to be in bed.

This.

He can say all that but if she turned around and said
"Hey Dave, I've changed my mind -you are the one for me!!!!" Lets make a go of it"

I don't think you / he / anyone on this thread believes he'd tell her its totally inappropriate, he's in a committed relationship and they can no longer be friends as she's crossed a line...

He might "want to want you" but he is not over her and choosing to stay in touch is a dumbest move on his part.

I suppose my question would be, if she ever changed her mind and told him she wanted to be with him, what would he do?

@NMac25 so sorry on the loss of your baby. Everything is very raw and emotional just now. You are in no place to make decisions on your future relationship at the moment. You should be dealing with your loss, coming to terms with it and healing physically and emotionally. Those of us who have been there understand.
I wouldn't entirely dismiss his response but would be cautious going forward. Dealing with his previous relationship can happen as you build your strength back up but having a full scale in depth analysis in your current situation is not helpful. He is now aware and his behaviour going forward will give you some answers. Please, please give yourself space to mourn your loss before you make any other decisions. You must stop torturing yourself and I wish you nothing but healing and luck going forward.

He is into her, yes.

I think the detachment more likely comes from your loss OP. It’s good you cleared the air and told him your feelings. Try and look after yourself and don’t make any big decisions right now

At the very least she's his one who got away.

when he joked about ring shopping after us accidentally moving so fast with a pregnancy he was only half joking, how he fully intends to spend his life with me

I don't get this to be honest. If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he should propose already. Why make a half-joke about it? Get on and do it, there shouldn't be any reason to hold back.

I am really sorry for your loss. It’s a horrible experience that I hate women have to endure.

Let the pain of everything calm down before irrational decisions but please don’t rush to get pregnant again in a hurry. He may do everything right and this may have made him realise how much he does want you forever, but err on the side of caution. Just give this time before bringing a baby into the mix. You’re very young, time is on your side x

I am so sorry you lost your baby .
You deserve better than this man , as long as this 'friend' is in his life you will feel insecure and unsure and all the other emotions connected to having a cuckoo in your nest .
Of course none of us have the right to dictate who someone can have for a friend but there is history in this friendship and i think your boyfriends behaviour is disrespectful to you.
Usually couples in a loving relationship don't treat each other the way he is treating you.