DP chose to hide our baby from his ex girlfriend/best friend until after I miscarried. AIBU to feel so exposed now?

[NMac25]

Hi everyone, I need some objective perspectives while I process this. I am physically recovering from a traumatic miscarriage earlier this week where I almost died. My mind is currently overwhelmed with hormones, grief, and total exhaustion.

For context regarding his female "best friend":

• I have never met her. She lives at the bottom of the UK.
• They met on a working holiday in Greece years ago and started sleeping together while she had a boyfriend. She eventually broke things off with my DP, he was gutted but they remained "best friends."
• She has been through multiple partners since, and DP has said that "none of them have treated her right."
• DP's phone lock screen is still a goofy picture of the two of them, and he still wears friendship bracelets from that holiday.
• Up until now, I’ve tried to be mature and tolerate it, rationalizing that she lives far away and he was just romanticizing a past chapter.

When we found out I was pregnant, DP was thrilled. He eagerly told his parents, colleagues, and mates early on. However, he hid our pregnancy from her the entire time the baby was alive.
Last night, he finally messaged her and told her about it—and the fact that we had lost the baby.

I just don't understand how he found it impossible to tell her he was going to be a dad, but felt comfortable telling her once our baby was dead. It feels like after the commitment of having a child with another woman was gone, he finally felt he could tell her and maybe get sympathy without their relationship changing?

I broke down and asked him why he kept our baby a secret from her while telling everyone else in his life, his excuses were:

• "I don't know."
• "I was going to tell her after that last scan." (Even though he told everyone else weeks before any scan).

Because everything feels so raw right now, I don't know if I'm hyper-sensitive from the physical trauma and post partum hormones, or if I'm seeing red flags that I previously excused.

I would give him an ultimatum he either cuts all ties with her in front of you (and you can witness his explanation to her and then her acceptance and see him actually blocking her and deleting her from all platforms) or the relationship is over completely. There is no way I would continue in a relationship as it stands. If he can't cut ties you have your answer.

Not telling her about your baby, the lockscreen, and the bracelets all indicate that he’s not over her. So sorry for your loss OP.

Your hormones are for sure going crazy, I'm so sorry for your loss. I imagine it makes you feel more vulnerable.

I think your thoughts are justified, it's great people having friends of the opposite sex. For me the lock screen is unacceptable..I wonder how he would feel if it was all the opposite way around.

Maybe he's carrying a little torch for her, easy to think someone's great who lives miles away and you don't see. The person you share everyday life with could seem boring in comparison.

If they're such good friends it's very strange he didn't tell her about the baby. I don't see how he can justify all this. You don't sound paranoid, controlling etc.

My ex went to a concert with a female friend I hadn't ever met and he eventually cheated on me. I looked back and thought I wish I hadn't gotten into a situation where I was trying to be so unaffected by his female friendships and I ignored the red flags on our relationship.

I hope you get to have a helpful conversation with him. Good luck.

We've been together less than a year, though we fell hard, which is rare for me, not so much for him. I've never felt this openly loved before.

This really stood out for me because this screams someone who is more 'acting' being in love rather than doing it for real, performative rather than actual proper feelings.

"Falling hard" "openly loved" the big reaction to you being pregnant, telling everyone (except her🤔) - is he just, even unconsciously, going through the motions with you because it hasn't worked out with her? Perhaps he's even trying to convince himself this is the real thing and he's over her. But I really don't think he is. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. Look after yourself.

It sounds like he hasn’t moved on from her. He calls her his best friend, face on screensaver and wears her friendship bracelet years later. Do you think she acts the same? I doubt it.

The reason they aren’t in touch often is she has likely moved on with her life, doesn’t regard him as a best friend but an ex from years ago.

if he can’t move on then he can’t build a relationship with you. I wouldn’t necessarily see her as a threat. The threat is his fantasy of her and their past.

I'm really sorry Op but I think he didn't tell her about the baby because it was severing the last tie between them, now the babies gone he can tell her without it changing their friendship. For what it's worth I don't think she's clinging on to him still, he's the one who can't let go - she comes under the heading of unfinished business. I'm sure he does care for you and he's sorry about the miscarriage but he needs to let her go and whether this relationship survives depends on if he can do that

So sorry for your loss. Unfortunately he clearly has feelings for her and there isn’t very much you can do about this other than leave.

You’re not insecure. He will be off like a shot if she tips him the wink. I’m so sorry.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

However, I don't think she's necessarily the problem here -- you got pregnant with a man you barely knew, if you've only been together less than a year now. This all sounds as if it's happened way too fast. It's a lot less surprising that you haven't met her given the speed of this whole thing. I don't necessarily think it's hugely significant he didn't tell her about your pregnancy. He clearly still has some kind of juvenile concern with not looking as if he's 'settled' with someone else in her eyes. I'm assuming you're all quite young?

I think it’s much more than ‘juvenile concern with not looking as if he's 'settled' with someone else‘.
It would be if it was just the fact he didn’t tell her about the pg.

But keeping a photo of both of them as a screen saver on his phone? On the top of the friendship bracelets?
Nope he just hasn’t got over her and would be back with her if she was suddenly open to it (geographically closer in particular!)

I've kept in touch with my first serious boyfriend. It's been many many years since we split, no bad feelings between us, we simply weren't compatible. Going back several years now, I knew he had a girlfriend and my boyfriend proposed, so I excitedly told him that I was getting married, and asked when he was going to propose to his girlfriend (they'd been together 7 years at that point). He went very quiet, and said 'I am married, we married last year'! He'd been living with her for years too, which he'd not told me! I was mortified, because I'd sent him Christmas cards with just his name inside! I asked him why he never told me he was living with his girlfriend and also why he never told me he'd got married...his answer 'he didn't know how to tell me'!!! I burst out laughing and said, 'what did you think I was going to do, rush to the church and stop the wedding'. He couldn't really give me any plausible explanation or reasons for his behaviour.

I'd like to point out that I don't wear the necklace my ex gave me or have his picture as my screen lock on my phone! The fact your partner wears a bracelet his friend gave him and has her picture as his screen lock, suggest to me that your partner has feelings towards his female friend, that aren't entirely platonic. It may be that her feelings towards him aren't platonic either, so he didn't want to hurt her by saying you were pregnant.

You are devastated, hormonal and not in the right headspace to give this issue your attention. Your priority has to be your recovery and health. I'm sorry for your loss OP, sending you much love ❤️

He has a picture of the two of them as his phone lock screen? After being with you for a year? Wow.

He’s giving the impression that he’s still waiting for her. If she gave him a chance, he would choose her. You’re a placeholder, and his life with is dependent on whether she’ll have him or not. If she won’t then he’ll stay, but if she does then he’ll be gone.

The baby would have changed everything and likely put paid to any notions he had of a future with her. He’s told her now because that’s no longer the case.

Well, like I said, he sounds deeply juvenile. Friendship bracelets, a tendency to 'fall hard' in love a lot, clinging to an old friendship that reminds him of his cool younger days, getting the OP pregnant this rapidly in what must have been a very new relationship. It's all part of the same personality type.

I’m so sorry @NMac25 - this is altogether too awful to deal with.

All of the serious and big talks in the world will do zero to assist you. He wants her, she knows it, and enjoys it.

All it will take is for you to be vulnerable post-partum, him to feel (wrongly) neglected, and she’ll be there causing dissent and friction.

Your loss is awful and unfair but do not allow your grief to keep you with someone who doesn’t deserve you.

Am so sorry for your loss, awful thing you have gone through and I truly am sorry.

As for your partner, I find it strange. I am trusting of partners (if they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat, my suspicions won't change that) but I do find the photo on his phone etc strange given the past they share. I do wonder if he's not entirely over her, despite his words to you.

I wouldn't do anything other than look after yourself right now though, perhaps revisit how it affects your relationship going forward when you are in a better place. Put yourself first now, and later. Go easy OP.

He's still carrying a torch for her.

I'm sorry.

Yes - his lock screen image is of the ex which is unacceptable.

When you’re strong enough, OP, get rid of him. You are worth so much more.

Sending 💐💐💐and much sympathy for your loss.

OP I am really sorry for your loss and don't want to add to your pain but yes, red flags

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. You don't mention how old you are but I get the sense you are young and as such you should not put all your eggs in one basket with this one.

I agree with others, he still has feelings for her. The phone lock screen would upset me. We're on our phones lots during the day and every time he picks his up he's looking at a picture of her. Why does he need to do that? Have you ever asked him about it?

I'm sorry for your loss. Right now, rest and recovery is your priority.

Your relationship you can deal with when you're able, but you're in a relationship with three people. He's still hung up on his ex.

I'm so sorry for your loss, you must be devastated.
Your grief is real and it's showing you how upsetting this relationship is making you.
You have tollerated/known he's openly whist fully going on about his ex. But now your in real life dispair and he needs to step up. Screaming or arguing with him will not go in, he will blame your grief. Open, honest, calm discussion about how you have reacted (which is fine) he now has to decide who to care for. He can message and talk with her, you can't stop him, but will he continue once he knows how upset it makes you?
Myself and husband both have exs for friends, we socialise and became close friends with partners exs, cause they are exs. No secrets, no one feels weird cause it's not worth it, no one wishes it could be different, we have simply moved on.
He has to confront his own feelings for her, maybe realise he's holding childish romantic notions which aren't ever going to happen, that dreamy holiday is past, if they where to be together, they would be. Does he want to have a honest, adult relationship which has terrible moments of real life happening, which needs both sides to feel reassurance, respect? You need that, you deserve it.
Don't stay with him and not mention this, it will eat away at your trust and respect for him, it won't be a happy relationship until you can rely on him to just want to be with you.
Take as much time needed to recover, you need to xx

My best friend is a man and no way would I ever consider having a photo with him instead of with my partner, much less so if I had ever had a sexual or romantic relationship with him.

This man is taking you for a ride.

Unfortunately, this. It sucks but now you know, Op.