DP chose to hide our baby from his ex girlfriend/best friend until after I miscarried. AIBU to feel so exposed now?

[NMac25]

Hi everyone, I need some objective perspectives while I process this. I am physically recovering from a traumatic miscarriage earlier this week where I almost died. My mind is currently overwhelmed with hormones, grief, and total exhaustion.

For context regarding his female "best friend":

• I have never met her. She lives at the bottom of the UK.
• They met on a working holiday in Greece years ago and started sleeping together while she had a boyfriend. She eventually broke things off with my DP, he was gutted but they remained "best friends."
• She has been through multiple partners since, and DP has said that "none of them have treated her right."
• DP's phone lock screen is still a goofy picture of the two of them, and he still wears friendship bracelets from that holiday.
• Up until now, I’ve tried to be mature and tolerate it, rationalizing that she lives far away and he was just romanticizing a past chapter.

When we found out I was pregnant, DP was thrilled. He eagerly told his parents, colleagues, and mates early on. However, he hid our pregnancy from her the entire time the baby was alive.
Last night, he finally messaged her and told her about it—and the fact that we had lost the baby.

I just don't understand how he found it impossible to tell her he was going to be a dad, but felt comfortable telling her once our baby was dead. It feels like after the commitment of having a child with another woman was gone, he finally felt he could tell her and maybe get sympathy without their relationship changing?

I broke down and asked him why he kept our baby a secret from her while telling everyone else in his life, his excuses were:

• "I don't know."
• "I was going to tell her after that last scan." (Even though he told everyone else weeks before any scan).

Because everything feels so raw right now, I don't know if I'm hyper-sensitive from the physical trauma and post partum hormones, or if I'm seeing red flags that I previously excused.

You wouldn’t see them if he was sending them they would be deleted or on a different platform.

My friends ex from 15 years ago and living in an entire different country still randomly in the middle of a friendly general catch up will make perfectly clear she is still very much on his mind and he still remembers this and that and how they did that and this and wouldn’t it be lovely.

She deletes them and continues with the normal chatter.

He has had girlfriends while his sending those reminiscing messages and wishful ones. He even proposed to one and then sent and asked for rude pictures of friend the following day. We laugh about him on girls nights out and over WhatsApp’s.

The horror for his girlfriend at the time though if they ever knew how he really felt.

Thanks guys,

I think it's pretty clear that I'm in big trouble. I'm going to have to have a serious talk with him about this and explain how uncomfortable I feel. I've just got this fear where it looks like I'm a hormonal woman being possessive over a man that has girl friends. I hate to be that insecure but I guess I am.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Would you consider putting your thoughts around this down right now and picking it back up in a few weeks or a month?

You have experienced a tremendous loss of your child and physical trauma. Taking care of yourself and healing to the extent it’s possible is worth all of your attention.

He holds a candle for her.

He’s hiding in plain sight, I’m sorry OP but this man has given a part of himself to her and will always be wishing for her to green light him. Save yourself now.

im so sorry for your loss.

It’s not just a platonic boy girl friendship though is it. If they were friends, had been for years with nothing romantic or sexual then I’d say YABU they were friends long before you arrived on the scene.
I am going to say yanbu though because it’s not a platonic friendship and they’ve shown they don’t really have any boundaries where boyfriends or girlfriends are concerned

I know it’s really hard OP but I think you need to think really hard before getting pregnant again with this man.

it looks like I'm a hormonal woman being possessive over a man that has girl friends. I hate to be that insecure but I guess I am

There is a woman in his life who he wants to be in contact with but who he finds difficult to say things to that indicate he is ‘moving on from’, if he didn’t feel like this she would have been told when everyone else was.

I don’t think he is on the same page as you at all, he might say he is but his actions don’t back that up.

If it was me I would outright ask if he still loves her. If his answer is convincingly not I would draw some firm boundaries - no screensavers no friendship bracelets etc.

Truly sorry for your loss OP.

Sorry for your loss.

Sadly, this guy would drop you like a stone if she became available to him.

You are not being possessive OP. He has her on his lock screen and wears bracelets that remind him of her. He should have you on his lock screen or something completely different. He should choose different bracelets. Not only is he not over her, he has no respect for you. His friends and family must wonder how he gets away with it.

However, you've just been through a traumatic experience. I'm so sorry that happened to you and that it's not only traumatic in itself but has opened up such an awful situation. Please just take some time to grieve your baby and allow him to grieve to, as it does sound like he really wanted the baby. Then consider what you want. From what you have said he sounds like a love bomber and these are rarely reliable long term partners. But if you really think he's worth the risk then he needs to completely ditch the ex. No photos, no lock screens and no contact. That would be the only way he could rescue himself from this situation if it were me.

I would say if you are insecure, it's because he has created a weird situation.

Take time to heal physically and mentally before deciding what to do.

Xxxxxx

I am so sorry for your loss, OP. Your first priority must be your physical recovery, and to take time to grieve your baby. You will then have some difficult questions to consider. This relationship has moved very quickly and you now know things about your partner which might make you re-evaluate the whole relationship. Don't make any big decisions right now. for you.

He’s not yoyr guy. Excited about a baby in a one year relationship? He’s just a goody Labrador who happily walks with a stranger and places catch with you in the park but ultimately runs home to his owner.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you are having a truly awful time. But please don't trick yourself (or let him trick you) into thinking that your hormones have you jumping at shadows. His behaviour is not ok. He quite clearly makes her a priority and is probably in love with her. I would absolutely not tolerate another woman being my man's lock screen, nor would he be wearing 'friendship' bracelets from her. This is literally flaunting his feelings in your face. He didn't want to tell her about your baby because he probably plays down the seriousness of your relationship to her. If she called him, he would go. He should be there for YOU right now at this terrible time, not chatting to some other woman. So sorry OP. Hoping for nothing but the best for you.

At the end of that big talk you should end it with him

This is NOT the man to build your life with.

You ARE sharing him. There are three of you in this relationship.

LTB. It will never improve. Do better for yourself and the memory of your lost DC.

Sorry for your loss.

once you are feeling much better I suggest moving on, he’s not suitable for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's heartbreaking under any circumstances, and your circumstances were particularly terrible.

I think you do need to reconsider this relationship because it doesn't sound as though he's all in with you and yes, I do think there's something very wrong with sharing the news generally while you were pregnant but sharing it with her only after you no longer were.

You’re not insecure for no reason. You know that he is not over the other woman. I’m further along in life than you I think and I’ve seen this sort of issue (not all miscarriages, just one ) play out with different friends and it isn’t good over a long term relationship.

I agree.

I echo everyone. Very sorry for your recent loss OP.
I think I would talk to him about the way you feel, as you have here. His reaction should be to get rid of his phone picture and stupid bracelet to reassure you that you are his priority. If he is reluctant you have your answer.
I had a similar issue some years ago, had 'the chat' and although she disappeared from our lives I've never really got over the resentment which in itself is a killer. I had been married a lot of years, if it had been a short term relationship I would perhaps have rethought my decision to forgive, who knows?

I

Im so sorry for your loss OP. It must have been awful.

but this man would be gone if she’d have him

• DP's phone lock screen is still a goofy picture of the two of them, and he still wears friendship bracelets from that holiday.

when you’re feeling stronger you need to end this relationship and move on from him.

He's wanting to keep her sweet. He's trying to tell her he's still available. Just get rid of him for your own sanity.

Im so sorry you are going through a miscarriage.

With regard to your boyfriend, well you have been more tolerant than I wouks be.
The picture on the screen lock, friendship bracelets on a grown man from ages ago, not telling her, come on!!

he's kept saying "I don't know how to tell so and so what's so flipping difficult?
Same as he tells everybody else , something like ' hey me and Nmac25 have some great news to share with you! Guess what, we are having a baby! Exciting!!!!!'

I think its odd that he hasn't told her because she is his so called "bestie"

Even if you have a talk with him it is not going to change the fact his heart is else where. You were carrying his child and he has another woman as his lock screen photo! See it for what is and raise your bar.