Maintenance and extra's

[ConflictedDad]

Hi,

Not a mum, but believe in getting a broad perspective on pretty much everything (I do this with politics, health, work, etc lol).

I have a bit of a pickle, and would welcome your insight!

Divorced from ex-wife, now a little over 9 years ago. 3 kids:

Child1 has autism (undiagnosed), and receives Dla, he's going into year 11 next week.
2 other Children on spectrum too, but no benefits/diagnosis (Child2+3 are both 13)

I work full time, pay rent privately and look after my house. I have kids roughly 45% of the time - working out at around 170 nights a year, but also take on much of the admin load (appointments, forms, school stuff, etc)

I pay £350 maintenance a month (Private agreement, not CMS mandated), and also contribute 50/50 towards extra costs - trips, uniforms, hair cuts, glasses if they're over the voucher level, etc)

Ex receives Cb, UC and PIP. She'll also get the disabled child element of UC from my understanding.

I'm at a point where i'm unable to continue funding 50/50 of the 'extras' on top of the maintenance, rents have all gone up (£1,100 where I live now) as well as everything else, as we all know.

Would I be unreasonable to tell my ex that i'm unable to continue with this arrangement? We get along well, and are usually happy to help each other out if things come up (DIY stuff, or if i have to work until later etc) and I don't want to upset things, however I don't feel this is sustainable for me financially and believe that this should be covered comfortably by maintenance and child benefit?

Mods, if you feel this is better in a different category, please feel free to move it!

Did you consider taking the kids full time and do it the other way round?

Ok but you also CHOSE to have 3 dcs with someone who is disabled (I’m guessing she is also autistic because of the genetic link).

So surely you knew you’d be doing the lion’s share of the work?

Well I’m disabled myself.
And I think her disability is hugely important.

What you’re saying is that you left 3 dcs in the care of someone who needs a carer herself.
Has it ever been a good idea? If she receives PIP, it means she has noticeable problems in cooking for herself, shower, get dressed etc…. And yet she has 3 DCs, one of who is disabled enough by their autism to receive DLA.
A 55/45 split already feels wrong tbh.

On the dcs pov, a 25/75 would probably have been better.
It would avoid any of them becoming a child carer 😢😢
And I’m Wonderimg if it wouldn’t be better for you financially too.

Of course, you’d hardly get any break…….

I don’t see why her household income is up for discussion and being broken down. If she was in receipt of £90k annually would you then stop paying for your children?
You have the children 45% of the time therefore you gain 45% use of uniform, coats, shoes etc assuming these are shared between homes? Your CMS calculation is based on 45% shared care therefore either provide your own uniform shoes bags etc for your days which will cost you double on some items or contribute to contribute 45-50% for the use you have of them on your days.
If she is forced into work whilst having health issues and managing a child with additional needs then it’s your children who would suffer, along with yourself/your work if she’s the one who would usually collect a sick child from school at 11am whilst you were at work on one of your overnights.

If you get on well then talk to her about it. Explain that you’re struggling financially and ask if she would like a set about each month (£350) or less CMS (below calculator level) but help towards joint expenses like trips.

You could always offer to help out more where you can (bonuses, overtime, etc), and agree to review it if circumstances change.