Maintenance and extra's

[ConflictedDad]

Hi,

Not a mum, but believe in getting a broad perspective on pretty much everything (I do this with politics, health, work, etc lol).

I have a bit of a pickle, and would welcome your insight!

Divorced from ex-wife, now a little over 9 years ago. 3 kids:

Child1 has autism (undiagnosed), and receives Dla, he's going into year 11 next week.
2 other Children on spectrum too, but no benefits/diagnosis (Child2+3 are both 13)

I work full time, pay rent privately and look after my house. I have kids roughly 45% of the time - working out at around 170 nights a year, but also take on much of the admin load (appointments, forms, school stuff, etc)

I pay £350 maintenance a month (Private agreement, not CMS mandated), and also contribute 50/50 towards extra costs - trips, uniforms, hair cuts, glasses if they're over the voucher level, etc)

Ex receives Cb, UC and PIP. She'll also get the disabled child element of UC from my understanding.

I'm at a point where i'm unable to continue funding 50/50 of the 'extras' on top of the maintenance, rents have all gone up (£1,100 where I live now) as well as everything else, as we all know.

Would I be unreasonable to tell my ex that i'm unable to continue with this arrangement? We get along well, and are usually happy to help each other out if things come up (DIY stuff, or if i have to work until later etc) and I don't want to upset things, however I don't feel this is sustainable for me financially and believe that this should be covered comfortably by maintenance and child benefit?

Mods, if you feel this is better in a different category, please feel free to move it!

If you have the children 45% of the time you should be buying 45% of the uniform yourself. Also taking them for 45% of the haircuts and paying for 45% of the trips. If your ex is handling all that labor for you, that doesn’t mean you get out of paying the costs.

I think you just have to do what you can. What you're currently paying is only slightly over what CMS will expect you to pay anyway, but times really are tough out there and as unfortunate as it is for the kids, if the money isn't stretching and you're risking debt etc. then certain extras might have to go.
It's hard enough with both parents under one roof. Trying to maintain two properties and two lots of bills must be increasingly difficult for you both.
Have the conversation with your ex and see what she says and if there are places you can both compromise.

I wondered how long it would be before someone utterly unreasonable came along.
The OP works full time. His wife does not work at all. Yet he is unreasonable because he doesn't spend his limited free time running errands (which he contributes to financially) while his ex has no calls on her time that we know of, plus 45% of her time child-free.
She also has 100% of all the extra child-related benefits although she is only responsible for them 55% of the time. Plus maintenance.
It's not the ex who has the worst deal here.

It’s fine for her to do labor. It is not fine for him to not pay for things like school uniform for his parenting time.

Surely the amount of free time either of them may or may not have is irrelevant if they aren’t together?
They aren’t owed equal free time from someone they aren’t in a relationship with. Free time or working hours is all irrelevant when it comes to co parenting, the only thing that remains is parental responsibility.

Just to give an alternative view - I’m a mum in this situation and receive benefits (UC, LCWRA and PIP). My ex pays the CMS minimum but also pays half of things like mobiles, uniforms, glasses etc. On paper it looks like I have quite a lot coming in but in reality it doesn’t go far with 2 teenagers who eat me out of house and home and are constantly growing out of things.

Between the two us we’ve been able to create a comfortable life for them but the money I receive from him is the difference between eating beans and pasta all month and being able to give them money to go to the cinema.

I would have an open and honest conversation with your ex about and see if savings can be made together.

Could you phase it out gradually rather than a blanket no more?

Also, if my ex said he suddenly wanted 50/50 to avoid paying me anything and decent relationship between us would be out the window and I’d be sticking exactly to the current arrangements - no more favours if he’s working late / needs to reschedule his time with them.

A reasonable amount would be the amount you would have to pay through CMS calculations. You currently pay slightly more than that. So if you have to reduce it by £16 a month but not any lower than that. And you should contribute to 50% of uniform costs etc

I think the point was can he continue to pay half of the extras on top of the CMA amount?

Could you have a semi formal sit down together without the children around and write down all your incomings and child-related outgoings? If your ex took time out of the workplace in the early years of child raising and now commands a lower wage, it feels fair for you to contribute more so she has a comparable standard of living, esp for the children's sakes. But this sounds as if it's gone too far the other way. Why isn't she working? Has she looked at costs and seemed it not worthwhile? She has hugely more free time than you so should take on all the admin labour.

Does your ex have them 45% of the time though?

You already almost at the point of 50/50 parenting, at that point no maintainance is due from either party.

I'm.also in this situation, and have enough money to not worry.
Ex has a minimum wage job and a hime to run, and another kid to raise.
Ex doesn't pay CMS because the kids gets dla which covers what he would pay, and he would struggle to pay the cms.
Keeps things civil

He hasn’t though - the whole point of the post 😵‍💫

How is she getting UC with kids that age ?
why doesn’t she work? This is why we get accused of benefit bashing - but it looks like she is at home on quite a good deal.

Going to add a fair view here OP. You and ex seem to get on well enough to have a private arrangement and childcare arrangements.

Do ANY of your children have an ISA child 1 inparticular?? This could be a good suggestion.

Who buys clothes/shoes OP?

It does sound like you do pay your fair share and you do almost half the week. Could you have a chat with ex and explain?

Becsuse one child gets DLA assuming its at least medium rate care she can claim carers allowance and there will be no requirement to work its unclear but she msy also be on receipt of PIP herself.

A smaller amount would be due. If op does overnight stays cms was account for this and reduce his payments significantly. I agree he should continue to work with ex and speak with her 1st though.

I know teens are expensive. Paying the minium could mean anything depending how much your ex earns. From what you said you claim it sounds like you could manage without ex if you had to.

Plus OP has his kids almost half the week. Its not just about money.

OP is doing almost 50/50 anyway. Let's be fair to OP.

I'm in a similar (but somewhat different situation).

I'm separated and divorced for the father of my DC. All three are disabled and I get PIP/DLA for all three. They also live with me full time, but two of the DC will see him overnight about once a week. I'm view of that, I don't share the benefits with their Dad.

I think if you have a close to 50/50 split on childcare and costs, then the DLA should also get split between households or maintenance adjusted accordingly. Also bear in mind when the oldest turns 16 they need to apply for PIP. My oldest made me an appointee and I did that on their behalf.

You and mum are equally entitled to apply to be appointee for PIP and should discuss it together.

I also budget for the DC openly with their dad and agree on extras and who will pay. E.g. I do all school costs, but we split out of school activities. Openness really helps.

If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. But have the decency to sit down with your kids and explain to them that the reason they can no longer go on school trips or take activities or do whatever it is, is because you can’t afford to pay your share. Don’t make this your ex’a problem by assuming she’ll somehow magically up the money out of nowhere or else has to be the bad guy telling the kids their extras are being cancelled.

Very high indeed. OP would have to be earning well over 50k a year with 3 kids & overnight stays. Does not seem correct at all.

I presume she is either in receipt of LCW or LCWRA, or is named as carer for the DC with DLA, or is satisfying the work coach that she is looking for work.

If it goes 50:50 then no maintenance is due by either party.

That's not true. It only goes to zero in some very specific circumstances and not just for 50% of the nights. Only for true 50/50 care which basically both parents have to agree is the case. Otherwise there is still a resident and non-resident parent, and the NR parent still pays maintenance.