Maintenance and extra's

[ConflictedDad]

Hi,

Not a mum, but believe in getting a broad perspective on pretty much everything (I do this with politics, health, work, etc lol).

I have a bit of a pickle, and would welcome your insight!

Divorced from ex-wife, now a little over 9 years ago. 3 kids:

Child1 has autism (undiagnosed), and receives Dla, he's going into year 11 next week.
2 other Children on spectrum too, but no benefits/diagnosis (Child2+3 are both 13)

I work full time, pay rent privately and look after my house. I have kids roughly 45% of the time - working out at around 170 nights a year, but also take on much of the admin load (appointments, forms, school stuff, etc)

I pay £350 maintenance a month (Private agreement, not CMS mandated), and also contribute 50/50 towards extra costs - trips, uniforms, hair cuts, glasses if they're over the voucher level, etc)

Ex receives Cb, UC and PIP. She'll also get the disabled child element of UC from my understanding.

I'm at a point where i'm unable to continue funding 50/50 of the 'extras' on top of the maintenance, rents have all gone up (£1,100 where I live now) as well as everything else, as we all know.

Would I be unreasonable to tell my ex that i'm unable to continue with this arrangement? We get along well, and are usually happy to help each other out if things come up (DIY stuff, or if i have to work until later etc) and I don't want to upset things, however I don't feel this is sustainable for me financially and believe that this should be covered comfortably by maintenance and child benefit?

Mods, if you feel this is better in a different category, please feel free to move it!

Have you worked out how much maintenance you’d have to pay via cms?

Hi,

Yeah that's the amount that CMS would charge worked out via the online calculator but rounded up to the nearest £50. The CMS calculator works it out at £334 a month

£350 between 3 kids wouldn't go far at all even if you are paying 50% of the extras. You can do a calculation on the CMS website to work out the minimum amount you need to pay.

Hi,

Yeah, I pay more than the calculator deems necessary

You need to come to a compromise with the mother of your children.

How does she get dla when undiagnosed is that how it works?

Hi

Thank you. That's why i'm here, to work out what would be reasonable. Compromise does work two ways however.

£16 more a month… CMS calculations are also the bare minimum so you’re currently paying the absolute minimum possible towards your children.

A diagnosis isn’t a requirement of DLA

DLa (and PIP) are based on documented needs and issues, rather than diagnosis specifically

Hi,

Thanks, just for clarity, I am also paying 100% for them when they're with me, 45% of the time.

I'm also doing the administrative side of parenting, taking time off for appointments and parents evenings etc (which I'm happy to do, but it is reasonable to include these things)

I don't quite see what the extra costs my ex is incurring are that wouldn't be more than covered by maintenance?

I'd love your point of view, but I don't agree that i'm paying the minimum possible, nor that I'm not taking part in their lives (which it feels is what you're trying to say - apologies if I've got that wrong, text is hard to determine tone of sometimes)

Does the calculator take into account that you have the children 45% of the time?

Hi,

Yeah it does. That is infact all it takes into account really.

My wage
Whether I live with any other children
How many nights I have my children

Edit* - also takes into account if i pay towards any other children than my children with her (I do not)

Does your ex work?

Hi,

Not that I'm aware of, no

If your ex is unemployed and only in receipt of benefits and the £350 CM, will she able to afford school trips, extracurricular clubs etc? I only ask because if not, it’s only your children who will suffer as a result.

So you’re paying a little above what the CMS recommend. At the end of the day if you can’t afford to pay 50% of the extras you can’t afford to pay 50% of the extras. You've still got to be able to keep a roof over your head.

Paying basically what child maintenance requests, if it’s only a couple of pound over as PP have suggested, plus 50/50 on bigger things the children need like trips, uniform etc seems completely reasonable.
Why do you think it’s become so unreasonable?

Isn’t the child maintenance supposed to pay for things like uniform?
It sounds a though his ex isn’t working so shouldn’t she be looking to increase her money via employment?

I'm surprised CMS is so high if you have the kids 45% of the time. Unless you are a particularly high earner I'd double check that. One alternative which mumsnet won't like is to go 50:50 on child residence. Then you won't have to pay any maintenance.

If ex is getting the DLA then they are getting 100% of that benefit for only 55% of the costs. They will also be getting a disabled child element and potentially a carer's element too.

It’s more than £16 a month though because he also pays 50% of all child related costs and he has them 45% of the time

If you’ve got the money to share the cost of the extras then you absolutely should.

What you’re paying now sounds fair. If stop payments for extras, will your ex cope. If you have a reasonable relationship it would be good to have an honest conversation with her about finances.

It goes off needs not diagnosis.

That's your first problem.
Is there any reason she's not working, as the children are all teenagers?
If she was working, I would say she's got a pretty good deal - she has the children just over half of the time but gets all the DLA, CHB etc, as well as maintenance from you.
As she doesn't work, much of that money will be swallowed up in general living costs as there is no wage coming in (although, presumably, UC will be quite generous as there are three children. I'm not sure if there is any extra money for autism if the disability is undiagnosed).
So you withdrawing your support will affect the children as well as your ex.
Your ex needs to get a job, to be blunt. That's the only way the
situation could be made fair.
Others will not agree and you will end up getting torn apart on here is my guess - MN doesn't like men who query how much they are paying towards their children , regardless of how much they are actually paying, how often they look after the children or any other variable. The default position is that you are in the wrong, I'm afraid.
.