Maintenance and extra's

[ConflictedDad]

Hi,

Not a mum, but believe in getting a broad perspective on pretty much everything (I do this with politics, health, work, etc lol).

I have a bit of a pickle, and would welcome your insight!

Divorced from ex-wife, now a little over 9 years ago. 3 kids:

Child1 has autism (undiagnosed), and receives Dla, he's going into year 11 next week.
2 other Children on spectrum too, but no benefits/diagnosis (Child2+3 are both 13)

I work full time, pay rent privately and look after my house. I have kids roughly 45% of the time - working out at around 170 nights a year, but also take on much of the admin load (appointments, forms, school stuff, etc)

I pay £350 maintenance a month (Private agreement, not CMS mandated), and also contribute 50/50 towards extra costs - trips, uniforms, hair cuts, glasses if they're over the voucher level, etc)

Ex receives Cb, UC and PIP. She'll also get the disabled child element of UC from my understanding.

I'm at a point where i'm unable to continue funding 50/50 of the 'extras' on top of the maintenance, rents have all gone up (£1,100 where I live now) as well as everything else, as we all know.

Would I be unreasonable to tell my ex that i'm unable to continue with this arrangement? We get along well, and are usually happy to help each other out if things come up (DIY stuff, or if i have to work until later etc) and I don't want to upset things, however I don't feel this is sustainable for me financially and believe that this should be covered comfortably by maintenance and child benefit?

Mods, if you feel this is better in a different category, please feel free to move it!

very much so, and I do agree that it shouldn't be mandated by government as.. well, it's different for every family.

No need to apologise, it's a sensitive subject, and I know no offense was meant! (but, likewise!)

Personally I think if you have the kids 45% of the time and do most admin, you’re doing loads. Paying £350 a month child maintenance when you still have to clothe, feed and house them all almost half of the time seems very reasonable. Your ex will receive UC which includes help towards rent, Child DLA plus of course the CB, so yeah I do think you paying 50:50 of everything sucks if in reality she has a lot more spare money. However, school uniforms are something you really do only have to buy for a few more years (last year for the 15 year old and only two more years for the 13 year old twins), so I would probably just cope with the costs for a few more years (but let your ex know you’re on a budget for them and what that is if she’s buying the uniform then asking you for half the cost). The same with trips, there really shouldn’t be many in year 9-11 but if there are you both need to agree on the budget for these things and if you can’t afford big overseas trips or whatever then either the kids don’t go or you ex can pay because she can afford it.

Just why???? Is she useless or what? Why doesn't she do some?

So you mean you’re still a parent?
Im sure your dcs considered that a minimum but 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I’m going to guess there.
If she is receiving PIP, that’s for HERSELF. That also means she is disabled which might explain why the OP needs to do as much as he says.

Hang on, hang on. She has a partner who cares for her? What??

How can you manage to do appointments? Do overnight stays over half the week? Whilst working full time as well?

If you are so sure that you don’t need to pay these “extras”, then I would advise the mother to simply keep anything she purchases for the exclusive use during her parenting time. You can provide what is needed during your time.

Like a lot of single parents Tbf.

Thos doesn’t change the CMS calculations

There is a reason she receives PIP.

I noticed how the OP very casually mentioned it as if it didn’t matter….

Nowhere as clear as the OP started really

It just doesnt seem quite right when I have read over OPs post. I mean the kids live with mum so I wouldn't expect OP to do appointments giving what he's "alleging". (Single parent too but even Im wondering!).

I’m in the exceptionally fortunate position of being able to take flexi time. So I can move things around to fit things in (not that it makes it any less difficult)

@ConflictedDad were you her ‘carer’ too when you were together?
As in you had to take a lot of the admin, appointments etc…. when you were together too?

Sorry but this is very unusual. I have checked your figures on cms calculator and you are correct.

Is it that your ex is very unwell?

Hi. Yes I was.

her PIP was intentionally not included, as that’s specifically for her, that’s how it’s designed.

its also not really relevant to a discussion around maintenance and extras.

its fair that your dubious I guess. There’s not really much I can offer to convince. It’s not exactly a “normal” situation

She’s long term disabled, she’s unlikely to ever be able to work due to the varying nature of her issues on a day to day basis.

but, that’s not relevant to the issue here I don’t believe

I’m a single parent to 3 kids. 2 have additional needs. I get dla for one, My ex pays me £100 less then you pay your ex and I manage fine. If your ex is on uc and your kids get FSM then she should get some money off for some school trips like I do. I manage on the money I get from uc and maintenance with three kids so don’t see how your ex wouldn’t. You also have your kids a lot more mine does every other weekend and sometimes has them for a week once a year but not always. Talk to your ex. I can’t see how she wouldn’t be able to live with what you give her to be honest she will be getting the disabled child element from uc as well as carers allowance which is another £83 a week. Unless she has huge bills I don’t see how she can’t make that work. I’d gladly take the extra help of my ex having his kids more even without thy extra £100

I’ll also add I’m also disabled. I manage to work but just a little not enough to really be classed as a proper job so I do get pip too.

They’re not as they’re also paying 50:50 on the extra costs. CMS would not require that

There's a new rule come in for FSM. Anybody on UC is entitled to FSM for their kids now.

Surely whether she works or not isn’t relevant to the 50/50 split of extras either, but you specifically included that she didn’t work several times without stating she was disabled and her partner needed to be her carer. It feels quite purposeful to mention one without the other.

I responded to people that asked. I did not say in the opening message that she does not work. Same for her partner being her carer.

I do not know those things for a fact and they’re not relevant to if extra’s should be paid

If the maintenance is based on 45% time, then surely you should be responsible for 45% of extra costs? So a bit less, but not much less.

If i was you, I'd tell your ex that you are struggling, and offer to increase the maintence a bit every month, instead of contributing to the extra costs in big uncontrollable chunks. OR offer to take full responsibility for your share - e.g. you'll do shoes, sports kit and dental, and do the shopping around to keep the costs down yourself.

I’d be interested to know the specifics of the situation, how much additional support 3 young adults with additional needs require? It’s not a walk in the park in my experience, and I’m needed to be around a great deal to attend meetings, provide lifts, pick up the pieces and prevent burnout. If you as Dad are genuinely doing nearly half of this then absolutely pose the question re maintenance. If you’re just covering evenings on your ‘days’ and mum is on call all day, then I’d not rock the boat. My long term prospects and pension are all significantly affected while I’m reliant on benefits to bridge the gap that my children’s father should be, while he’s off all over the country and abroad running his own business and renovating his home.

I'd give her the choice of 2 Options 50/50 time with the children no CM with still paying 50/50 with extras or current child arrangements just CM no extras. Ultimately if you can't afford extras then you can't afford the extras.