Maintenance and extra's

[ConflictedDad]

Hi,

Not a mum, but believe in getting a broad perspective on pretty much everything (I do this with politics, health, work, etc lol).

I have a bit of a pickle, and would welcome your insight!

Divorced from ex-wife, now a little over 9 years ago. 3 kids:

Child1 has autism (undiagnosed), and receives Dla, he's going into year 11 next week.
2 other Children on spectrum too, but no benefits/diagnosis (Child2+3 are both 13)

I work full time, pay rent privately and look after my house. I have kids roughly 45% of the time - working out at around 170 nights a year, but also take on much of the admin load (appointments, forms, school stuff, etc)

I pay £350 maintenance a month (Private agreement, not CMS mandated), and also contribute 50/50 towards extra costs - trips, uniforms, hair cuts, glasses if they're over the voucher level, etc)

Ex receives Cb, UC and PIP. She'll also get the disabled child element of UC from my understanding.

I'm at a point where i'm unable to continue funding 50/50 of the 'extras' on top of the maintenance, rents have all gone up (£1,100 where I live now) as well as everything else, as we all know.

Would I be unreasonable to tell my ex that i'm unable to continue with this arrangement? We get along well, and are usually happy to help each other out if things come up (DIY stuff, or if i have to work until later etc) and I don't want to upset things, however I don't feel this is sustainable for me financially and believe that this should be covered comfortably by maintenance and child benefit?

Mods, if you feel this is better in a different category, please feel free to move it!

That’s what I was thinking tbh but I asked and he said the calculator takes that into account. But it does seem high.

From my understanding, my ex receives substantially more than I do in income per month through various benefits, as well as being in a housing association home (reduced rent). I believe it's also worth noting that she receives all of the child benefit.

£that's around £550-600 a month specifically for this kind of thing, or £5.5-£6k a year. There doesnt seem to be a specific list of what either maintenance or child benefit is actually for, so it's hard to work out.

Kids don't go to any extracurricular clubs currently.

I would increase to 50/50 and not pay maintenance but pay the half towards school uniform, glasses etc that you are paying.

If ex says no to 50/50 then just continue to pay maintenance but no extra.

If shes getting UC, Pip & dla then she should be ok financially

Technically it supposed to cover uniform, although it’s not supposed to cover the other things like trips, clubs, glasses.
In reality most people find the child maintenance payment actually doesn’t go half way to covering things like uniforms so it’s not an uncommon thing for couples to split, particularly with 3 children needing uniforms.

Not sure what her current working situation really comes into it, the costs are currently being split not fully covered by OP.
A50/50 split of extra costs is not unusual.

If your ex isnt working then she needs to get a bloody job and start contributing to the family income. Its not setting a good example to her kids to be unemployed.

So presumaby shes gettinng all the universal credit , carers allowance , child benefit plus DLA and only having them 55% of the time?

I don't want to do that at all. I don't want the conflict and firmly believe that the kids seeing separated parents amicable is healthy for them.

At the same time, I'm struggling, they receive* (EDITED) more than I do and I think less outgoings (atleast, less mandatory outgoings) and I believe that these extra's should be covered by maintenance/cb.

However, I'm very open minded and wanting to get a POV from all sides

I'm not a massively high earner, but that's what the online calculator said, so we rounded it up and went with that

Yep - that's my concern. It's not surprising if she doesn't want to go back to work although if the child with DLA has severe needs she may be quite limited in what work she can take on. OP would know what their needs are though and whether it's realistic to work alongside.

This is mumsbet and you will be told to give every penny to your ex whilst you survive on stale bread and water
But if she gets PIP and one child gets DLA i
She may well be on significantly more than you.

Guess since she only has the DC 55% of the time she could get a PT job but I don’t know if she’d be better off financially as a result. No idea how much people get on benefits but figured with the Tory caps it won’t be much.

Well she only has them 55% of the time.

I know nothing about benefits whatsoever but are either very much money?

She gets PIP child gets DLA that will push the universal credit up significantly and she wont be subject to caps

If you have them 5% more, you’ll pay nothing. Then can just focus on the extras and uniforms etc. not sure how popular that would make you though

They both have varying levels but they will impact the universal credit positivley.

I'm not sure they get PIP and DLA - I thought that was OP mixing the two up. But if the ex does get PIP then that could well be a reason why she doesn't work.

I admire your desire to stay amicable OP at considerable cost to you. If your ex is not open to negotiation perhaps you could warn her that 50:50 would have a substantial negative impact on her benefits. Also that with the additional elements that she will now be receiving she doesn't need the extras that you pay. Just present her with the figures. She can't argue with them. It must be hard enough for you trying to finance a home big enough for all of you and pay for everything when they are with you when you have no access to benefits at all, only to watch her accepting all this money.

Have Uniforms, shoes and winter coats for school this year been purchased already?

I would suggest to your ex that due to CoL rises without payrises, you can’t manage financially any more. Be apologetic and say you’d like to discuss how things are going to work going forward.

Why not have the kids 50% - ie you have the kids 175 nights per year? Then the cms calculator would suggest you don’t really need to pay much maintenance at all. You could take 5 days unpaid leave or holiday to look after them for an extra 5 nights and save yourself money!

Probably very unpopular, but that is an option

That’s an option, I doubt it will be received well, but the options seem to be coming to either “I’m going to have to stop paying the extras” or “we need to move to 50/50”. I don’t think she’ll like either, but I cannot continue like this really

edit: sorry, missed your question. Yes school stuff this year has been bought now (that’s what has prompted me to review my outgoings etc)

If mum isnt working, wont they get funding for school uniforms? Also free school meals?

It's like she is taking you for a ride. I'd push for 50:50 in that case and then you can both fund your own time. Ultimately she needs to get a job!

They get free school meals yeah. Not sure about funding for uniforms, not that I know of? Uniform exchange I think has been used for some of it before

Sounds like she’s onto a real winner tbh! You’re right free school meals, various benefits she’s claiming, maintenance from her ex, only has her kids 55% and not working! What is she actually contributing financially? The tax payer and her ex are paying more than their fair share!

To be fair anyone in receipt of UC now gets FSM, which I absolutely disagree with but there you go. She should also get help towards school trips I think. In that case, you probably should tell her you can’t afford the extras OP BUT with the caveat that if your DC tell you they’re missing out on x and y, you reinstate the extra cash if possible. Ultimately you don’t want your children to suffer.

I can fully understand why your struggling. We are a 2 parent household. We have some shizz going on and had looked at separating.

Basically it was unaffordable and would take about 70% of our take home pay off the table in housing & living costs - neither of us would qualify for UC.

Do the kids do a LOT of extra things? Like more than kids normally do - as in - if they are cut back would they REALLY be missing out? As a kid I got riding lessons and that was it. Only school trips at key points etc.