AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

The fact that some people agree with OP's in laws doesn't mean that the in laws are right. The in laws have said their piece but ultimately it isn't their decision and they need to leave it alone now.

Only OP and DH get to decide what is best for their DC.

Best for their Dd or best for the OP?

Both. OP is a human being and is also allowed to have wants and needs.

How can being replaced by the baby and chucked in childcare all week so mum can give attention to the new baby instead, be the best for their little girl?

9-1 is hardly all week. Still plenty of time to spend time with OP and her baby sibling. Of course the baby isn't replacing her and that is far from what OP actually said.

@JanBlues2026
I was a playgroup leader in 1982, that was all the pre-school there was in my area.
My son also went to playgroup from around 2, 2.5 years old ( they wouldn’t take them if they weren’t “ dry in the day”) twice a week 9.30 - 12.00 and also to a drop-in crèche, which he absolutely loved. I would drop him off and either go home and bake or do housework, or pop into town. This was around1988 to starting school in 1991.
He made 2 lots of little friends and as an only child, I felt he needed a bit of socialising round other kids of his age. My Ddad was a bit overbearing at times, and couldn’t see why he was “sent away” but he really thrived amongst his own age group.
i think you are right with your plan, OP.

However I do think it’s cruel to send a two year old five days a week when it’s not necessary (ie you’ll be at home everyday and could have them with you some days).

So why is it not cruel for working mums to leave their two year olds in daycare?

The children in both situations are having the exact same experience.

Why is not cruel for you to send your oldest for a few days a week?

I think 9-4 5 days a week is too much, but its none of my business and none of theirs either. If that's what works for you then go for it !

YABU- I agree with your ILs. Mums used to look after 2 or more children at home without relying on nurseries without making such a massive fuss about it! You can take newborns along to toddler groups for your eldest, to parks, to soft plays (we have way better options than your ILs, but still people can’t cope!). Your poor eldest will likely feel very pushed out, you need to handle the arrival of a newborn very carefully. Better to spend time developing their sibling bond.

Chucked in childcare? It's not a padded cell. First off the child will not give a second thought as to what Mum does when she is not with her, most kids don't because they only think about themselves. Secondly, a child that age at home full time is more likely (in my opinion) to feel rejected by Mum and usurped by the baby because Mum will be constantly feeding the baby and using the baby as excuses as to why she can't play or go places. If the toddler is busy all morning she will be need less stimulation from Mum and will be more happy to snuggle up during feeding times. She is also being collected during a time when hopefully baby is napping so will have that one to one time. Mum will get a few jobs done in the morning with baby so she isn't constantly shooing the toddler away while emptying the dishwasher or putting on a wash. Most children love being around other children and playing, otherwise why would SAHPs constantly bring them to soft play areas and play groups. I think the OPs plan is a very good one in terms of meeting everyone's needs.

That's not her plan though, only initially. The plan is morning and afternoon 5 days a week.

And baby is clearly replacing the toddler because the OP wants to give the new baby the sort of attention her first had, and the only way she can do that is by outsourcing her toddler.

It's literal replacement, and it's likely the toddler will see it that way too. It's certainly going to do nothing for their siblings bond.

I don't disbelieve you but I'm just going by what I've read of the research. I also think that it's possible that sometimes people remember, say, how their child was when they left nursery and extend that behaviour backwards in time.

Had a quick google and I'm not making it up! https://www2.hse.ie/babies-children/play/stages/

Cruel to make her spend more time in the care of others than at home with her parent at such a young age when there’s a choice not to.

Obviously some working parents don’t have that luxury (I know because I was /am one) and as you asked about my situation yes I sent eldest in for a few hours a week for very good reasons, most importantly to keep a space open for when I had to return work but crucially it was not every day because I didn’t think that was right or fair on my child (plus I actually valued spending time with them).

4pm is a good time to start playing with your toddler? Really?? Obviously a bit later by the time she collects and they go home. More likely she'll be straight into dinner prep and then bed.

There's also no reason that mum needs to say that she can't do x and y because of the baby - you still go to those places just with baby. I don't know a single mum of more than 1 who stays home because of baby unless there are extenuating circumstances like baby being ill. She can go to the park and playgroups just like before her siblings was born. That shouldn't need to change. We just get better at juggling both of their needs.

Which is still only until 4. and if it actually happens, OP never said it was an absolute.

OP wants to spend some time with the new baby which is absolutely fine, she isn't spending all of her time with the new baby. You are acting like DD will be going to nursery until bedtime.

Is it really likely? I think it's far more likely that DD will be absolutely fine. As many, many 2 year olds in nursery are.

It's absolutely your choice. Not one I would make - 9 to 4 every day to my mind is too much when you could have them both at home at least some days - but your choice. Mat leaves go all too quickly as does childhood!

Practically speaking there'll be next to no quality time spent together in the week. Pick up 4, home 4:30 (maybe earlier), 45m of juggling kids whilst trying to cook. 5.15-5:45 dinner, then maybe half an hour before bath and bedtime routine starts.

So toddler gets maybe half an hour of mummy time a day, shared with baby, at a time in the afternoon where everyone is a bit knackered and grouchy. Baby gets 6 hours.

If there is no other choice, fair enough, paying the mortgage is essential, but teaching away so much is your time with your toddler so it can all be given to their sibling is a terrible idea.

There is a happy medium though. This isn't it.

It is relevant because what you're planning on doing does seem quite extreme considering you don't work and your toddler has never been to nursery before. I can see why a close family member (like a grandparent) would be concerned about it, I know my parents would be if I'd chosen to do that.

Yet magically during 9-4 it will be all quality time with no juggling DC, doing housework, nap trapped with a baby and a toddler begging for attention? Quality time can absolutely be incorporated after 4pm just as it can before. You also have no idea of routines including dinner and bedtime, if DH would be around by 4-5pm etc they are all just assumptions.

No one is regularly nap trapped when they also have a toddler. That's a lovely but PFB thing. And I doubt the op is doing 6 hours of housework a day either. Those are far greater assumptions than my assumption that it's hard to fit quality time in with your toddler in the busiest 2 hours of the day.

If that 2 hour busy slot is great bonding time, then maybe a few days a week the op should send her baby to nursery all day instead and play with toddler. After all, after 4pm (shared with the two of them) is fine.

It's the difference in treatment between the two that I find concerning tbh. It very much seems that the op can't/won't parent both together, so sends away the toddler.

My point is that it is often busy with a toddler and a baby no matter what time of day it is. There is always usually something to do as well such as housework, making lunch for the toddler, changing baby's nappy etc and you fit in quality time between the busy time which applies no matter what time of day it is.

OP will still parent both of them together plenty, especially initially when it is a 1pm pickup.

I was definitely nap trapped with DC2 as she would only sleep on me. She had reflux and obstructive sleep apnea.

Every parent knows that those last few hours of the day - 4pm onwards - are the absolute worst. Both kids will be exhausted and fractious and OP will need to feed them and put them to bed. It’s not going to be quality time for her toddler.

When you become a parent your own needs and wants should come second place behind those of your children. You’ve tried hard to find some justification for it from the OP and since there is none have fallen back on - her kids her choice. Fine, but it’s a poor choice and not one that a good parent would make.

Yes it’s hard juggling a 2 year old and newborn - I did it during covid when we couldn’t even go anywhere or have any family support, so fully aware - but as a parent of 2 kids you step up. No one is saying that she shouldn’t send her toddler to nursery at all - it’s full time that is the problem.

Don't doubt your choice OP. I am amazed by everything my kids learn at nursery, and it gives them loads of social skills.
We're a family who does a lot in terms of outings, activities, reading and singing etc but sitting them down to make a sponge painting or learning how to use scissors with them hadn't really crossed my mind. At 2 they are generally more than ready.

OP, I totally understand how hard it is to juggle 2 and that a nursery is good in some ways to develop children's independence and social skills (and burn off some energy) etc but reading your updates maybe your in-laws are concerned with the amount of hours you are considering, 9 to 4 five days a week is a lot. I had to use daycare for my kids (& grandparents helped too) when I went back to work and I felt guilty about it. I'm a foundation stage teacher and some of the training I did suggested that children really are better at home until they are 3 (and I sent both my children to daycare at 10 months old so I know most of us have too). Definitely some respite for you and bonding with your new baby is necessary but maybe if you thought about using the nursery for less amount of time and letting your mil help out now and again it would make for a better balance. Ultimately it's up to you and what you feel is best for your family but I think your PILs views are coming from a place of concern and the reason I say this is because they've offered to help out rather than just judge but have went about it maybe too harshly.