AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

I half agree with them. Although, they shouldn’t be pushing it as you’re the parents with the final decision. Also, play groups/nurseries definitely existed back then. I went to one as a 90s child.
I’d understand if it was a day or two but every day? That seems to be for you more than your child. I had a newborn and a two year old and managed just fine with them. Why have them so close together if you feel you can’t parent both at the same time?
My toddler started nursery two days a week at 11 months old when I returned to work and she carried this on once the second was born or she’d lose her place for when I went back again. Yes the other three days weren’t as easy but it’s absolutely manageable.
You also say that your youngest deserves the same time eldest did… they will have that one on one time when eldest starts school, when they’ll actually remember it. Trust me your oldest will need you more than ever now their whole world has been turned upside down and they’re not your only baby anymore. Don’t push them out.
You also say they’re happier at the park etc. this is what, two/three hours now and again and you are there with them. No where near the same as being away from you five days a week so that’s not something you can compare.
Finally, you don’t get these years back. Blink and they’re at school, why send them off to someone else when you have this one chance to soak them up as little as they are?

@RosesAndHellebores from someone who attributes nursery at a young age with obtaining a doctorate from Oxford - maybe hold back on the ‘advice’ yourself.

and if you read my posts you’ll note I did not give parenting advice at any stage. Simply stated that I agree with the in laws and disagree with the decision to farm out raising your children when you are in the home with another child and pretend it’s in the child’s best interests. At least be honest that you couldn’t be bothered dealing with a newborn and toddler.

@ainmdom forgive me, I've looked that up now and he would have looked at it.

I'll ask him if he feels.going to nursery disadvantaged him in any way. I doubt it, he still speaks fondly of his memories.

@RosesAndHellebores ultimately you will never know the counterfactual. Which is my point about insisting it’s in the best interests of the child to limit their time in the family home and with their mother on purpose, purely as the adult didn’t want to have to deal with both children.

obviously where parents have to work the choice isn’t there but it does amaze me parents have these children then insist it’s best the children spend most of their toddlerhood elsewhere while they stay home with another sibling.

Ok so you’re making it all up then as you literally said Oxford @RosesAndHellebores bowing out from talking with a fantasist now!

This thread has now gone off topic, with people making assumptions and accusations that are neither helpful nor relevant to my original post.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to offer relevant, constructive and thoughtful feedback, it is genuinely appreciated.

It's not off topic at all. It's just not where you wanted it to head and I get that. Whatever you decide to do, it might be worth bearing in mind some of the concerns some of us (and your in laws) have raised.

Their insistence is rude, but their concerns are not.

Yes that could be what she meant but, as I said, we were in the middle of nowhere and we had one so there was demand for it. That was early 80s. In fact, those of my friends who were professionals expected there to be such a facility; it was built into their family/career planning. The one my great aunt used in the 20s was in a city though.

No I said he went to Oxford, which he did for his first degree. His doctorate was from Cambridge.

I remember being at a party once, and the grandma of a stay at home mum berated me for sending my kids to daycare from 9 months plus.

The stay at home home in question was a millionaire, had oodles of family support and didn't work.

I didn't have any of those.

The grandmother started twittering on and I basically just left the conversation.

No right to judge other people.

My DC have also got degrees from Oxford or Cambridge @RosesAndHellebores -- so do lots of DC!

If someone won't respect you enough then why show them any respect? Be ageist to those who deserve it

Not their child, not their choice.

However I do think it’s cruel to send a two year old five days a week when it’s not necessary (ie you’ll be at home everyday and could have them with you some days). I kept my eldest in nursery when on mat leave with my second so that they could keep some routine and with the bonus that I had some time alone with new baby, but not every day.

No, she doesn’t have to justify it online but perhaps now she’s heard some other similar views - ie that her chosen plan is actually not in the best interests of her child and that therefore her in laws’ concerns are justified- it might help her recalibrate her thinking/feelings towards them. It doesn’t feel good to have your decisions challenged but that doesn’t mean that loved ones should never challenge them.

If OP wasn’t willing to invite comments on her situation then perhaps she shouldn’t have posted a thread on mumsnet doing just that.

Your DH needs to lay down the law with them and make it clear it’s not subject for discussion

I’m 15 weeks pregnant and already mentally bracing for comments on everything from my in laws. So no YANBU

If they keep commenting “It sounds like you’re criticising my parenting, even though I’m sure that isn’t possibly what you meant by this”. Or more direct “we are happy with our decision and our parenting decisions aren’t up for debate”

Just have to jump in also the other comments and say I don’t think it’s cruel to send a 2 year old five days a week. My niece goes and gets so much out of it. She started at 2 and is going into her second year at 3. She’s got lovely friends and talks a lot about what they learned in nursery. Her parents aren’t sending for childcare but for developmental reasons xx

The difference between you and the op is that she has the choice to keep her child at home with her but instead is outsourcing childcare (full time 😢).

I had the opposite. I was very against nursery and my MIL thought this was odd and tried to encourage me to send them. Baring in mind she never sent my DH or his siblings.

Later turns out that it was because her daughter had to send hers to nursery and she didn't like it that I did not have to 😂

Playgroups were 2/3 hours max .

I can see why they feel like they do though .

Her parents are mistaken about the “developmental reasons” in that case. So many people trot this out with no knowledge. For children under 2.5-3, there are no developmental benefits at all. They’d be better off at home with their parents who love them.

For OP’s child, who has never been at nursery (so no existing routine, no familiarity with the setting), and has just gone through the upheaval of a new sibling, to now be sent full time, 5 days a week is extreme - she will experience it as a massive rejection and it is a massive rejection - her mum wants her out of the way to spend time with the new baby.

'The research' may be all sorts of things. (Sorry, pet hate, but citing 'the research' like that is weirdly pointless. Research isn't a neutral entity that hands down judgements from on high; it's papers by specific researchers, which either you can cite or you can't).

We are getting a long way from 'is nursery good for socialising children,' but actually, no, not all children who're home with mum really do have much opportunity to go to the park and see other children. Depending where you live in the country, there may well not be 'baby groups' for children over about 1, because so many mothers go back to work. There may not be many 2 year olds in the park for the same reason.

Of course this varies by area, and if you live somewhere where you aren't worried about socialising your toddler, that's lovely. But it is one good reason to send a child to nursery, otherwise.

People always say this but both of mine totally socialised at 2. They enjoyed the company of other kids, tried to play with them - obviously not very fluently and sometimes alongside them but often actually playing with them.

@radicalplansyou may well be right for the most part since it’s such a common thing to say but it really wasn’t my experience (and my 2 are very different personalities).

You were making a facetious comment about specific research quoted by another poster - have a look at the various studies by Dr Michael Lamb if you’re actually interested, which support the points made on this thread.

His findings are that children do better in a home environment (whether that includes other children or not, though obviously in the vast majority of situations it will - even in the most deprived areas there are free playgrounds and spaces where other children will be present, if no siblings or other family members).

There is no academic justification for the idea that nursery is beneficial for socialisation until the age at which children capable of playing with peers, which is 2.5-3.5 depending on the child.