AIBU to be irritated by my in-laws criticising nursery for my toddler

[BabyElephant120]

I’ve signed my almost-two-year-old up for nursery starting in September. I’ve just had my second baby and won’t be working, but I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

My mother-in-law is very much against the idea. Her reasoning is that my daughter is too young and that she won’t be spending enough time with family. She has also offered to help instead, but I don’t feel this is a realistic alternative. She travels quite often, so I don’t find her particularly reliable when it comes to providing consistent childcare. More importantly, I want my daughter to have the opportunity to learn, develop and socialise in an age-appropriate environment with trained professionals and other children, rather than spending all day with adults and having casual playtime at home.

When my MIL first raised the subject, I diplomatically said that we would see how nursery goes and could always reassess if it didn’t seem right for my daughter.

A few weeks later, my FIL brought the subject up and said it was “unheard of” in his day for children that age to go to nursery. He also pointed out that his wife raised two children under two without any help and without sending them to nursery.

What particularly annoyed me about this was that I had already had the conversation with my MIL. I had deliberately tried to be diplomatic and had said that we would see how it goes and could always adjust if it didn’t seem right for our daughter. So when my FIL then raised the exact same issue with me a few weeks later, it felt very much like my MIL had gone away, discussed it with him and asked him to speak to me about it. I found that quite intrusive and, frankly, it made me much angrier than the original conversation.

My husband completely supports sending our daughter to nursery and tells me to ignore the comments. And logically, I know I should. But I’m finding it really difficult to let it go.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating. Parenting has changed, circumstances are different, and what worked for them 30+ years ago doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what we should do now.

AIBU to be so irritated by their comments?Has anyone else been in a similar situation with grandparents having strong opinions about nursery/childcare?

4 half days, so still plenty of time together. Not 5 full day, and got no reason other than the OP avoiding looking after both of her children.

Really?

There's specific research that manages to distinguish between the benefits of nursery and 'seeing other children in the park'?

I don't believe you.

No but it should make a difference to OP. She should be doing what is best for her child, and putting her 2 year old
in full time nursery is not that, in these circumstances. OP hasnt said anything to suggest that it’s anything more than a preference she has.

The research is comparing nursery to being at home with a caregiver, which usually does involve seeing other children in eg the park, baby groups, family, friends etc - ie non childcare settings.

I imagine because she isn't interested in justifying her reasons as her AIBU isn't am I unreasonable for sending my 2 year old to nursery.

None of your inlaws business what you decide.
The fact they have both butted in, in such a rude way, means you have made the correct choice.
I wouldn't be using them for anything.
Tell them to keep their opinions to themselves or tell your husband to sort them out.

I’ve just looked and she has given a
reason:

I felt nursery would be the best thing for my very active toddler.

Pretty sure if there was some kind of physical or mental health condition such as would reasonably justify it, she’d have mentioned that. It’s a choice, made in the (mistaken) belief that it would be “the best thing” for her child.

Perhaps she meant in our area?
She gave up work when my sister was born in the late 70’s and didn’t return until my youngest sibling started preschool in the late 80’s.
I don’t remember my friends Mums working when they had their younger siblings either, we certainly weren’t well off growing up, one sole wage coming in of a manual worker. I’m sure if nursery was an option she would have used it instead of selling Tupperware and then later Avon.
My MIL was a nurse and had to switch to night shifts twice a week as she was in a similar position so certainly around us they weren’t seemingly accessible.

I think what’s making me so angry is the feeling that they feel entitled to weigh in on a parenting decision that my husband and I have made for our own child. I also find the comparison to how they raised their children quite frustrating.

I remember that - IL thought they got a say in the school but would have been horrified if their parents had made similar comments about DH schooling. There were lots of minon irritants over the years TBH. You find ways of tuning out or dismissing.

I did start DD1 at 2.5 at preschool she'd be going to at 3 fwice a week- TBH I don't think it was best for her at all and she could have been with me and younger DC but it seemed to be done thing and was sold to us. Other kids thrived though so try it and see and don't let them influence you either way.

Well indeed, DS was 3.5 when dd was born. At three and three quarters when the baby was here, he went for five days, three half, two whole.

From the very start a break was good for him and me.

The OP gives her answer in a further post:

"I have a 3 month old who also needs and deserves the same attention my toddler had when she was her age. My toddler needs constant attention and entertaining leaving me with no time for my new born or any other day to day things I need to do."

It's that the toddler wants attention which the mum is struggling to give with a small baby. I'm not sure the solution to a toddler who is clamouring for attention is to give her less attention by putting her in full time nursery.

Adjusting to two under two is hard, but the op can't replicate the attention her first got, which she seems desperate to do. The second doesn't get those quiet maternity days, protected naps etc. They get taken in a sling to playgroups, they sleep when they can. It's a different baby experience, and baby will be no worse off for it.

@RosesAndHellebores was it good for him? As in how do you know it was better for him than being at home with you and sibling playing together, enjoying trips to park, comfort of his own home, meals with his mum, play dates etc. you genuinely believe it was better for him to be gone most of the week - or it was just easier for you he was out of your way.

at least OP was honest that she just wants her two year old gone as she’s ‘active’.

Both working full time. Nursery full time with me as emergency back up for travel or illness. These days there aren’t the playgroups and coffee mornings that we used to go to.

Your in-laws have made their feelings known and hopefully they will now not make any further comments. I am probably of the same generation as them when it was more common for children to go to playgroup 9am - 12noon a maximum of 3 mornings a week. Childcare has changed so much in the last generation and I can see how they are struggling with their grandchild possibly going 5 days a week.

Someone I work with went back to work at six weeks post partum - this was the 1970s - and sent her baby to the farmer's wife in the village to be looked after every day with the farmer's four kids! Women have to make all kinds of childcare arrangements, and your ILs can bother off.

I think sending a 2 year old away for 4-6 hours, 5 days a week when a parent is at home is a bit extreme so I can see where ILs are coming from. You are essentially sending your toddler away and telling her that your newborn is more important and gets all the time with mum while she goes to nursery to “socialise”. I understand why you want her to go to nursery - I took my 2 year old out of nursery when I went on maternity leave with my second and it was hard going (she was also happier at a playground or playground and around other kids - most 2 year olds are!) so when DD2 was 5/6 months old, DD1 started a new nursery one day a week. 1-3 half days is plenty, 5 days is overkill.

The point is that she doesn't have to justify it. Not to her in laws and certainly not to strangers on mumsnet.

This really isn't the flex you think it is...

@OtterMummy2024 yes as she had to work. What if she’d sent her kid off while she just sat around at home? I don’t think it’s fair on the kid. The in laws clearly care about this child and are concerned that once a new baby arrived the current child gets shipped off 5 days a week all day for the ‘routine’. She’s two. It’s so unfair to leave her in crèche all day when she doesn’t need to be there. It’s not something she’s done before. She will know she’s being dumped elsewhere so mum can be with the baby and not have to bother with her. The in laws are raising a valid concern about her care and are also offering to help out when they can.

Yep, better for him. Three mornings, 9.15 to 12.15, and two.days, 9.15.to 3.30, at three and three quarters. Lots of fun and play and a state nursery would have been 9 to 11.30. Far more stimulating for him than not having enough attention while I breast fed. He still had park in the afternoons and lots.of attention and playdates.

If he hadn't loved it, I.wouldn't have sent him.

I think he grew up OK. Got into v competitive schools, thrived, went to Oxford, got a doctorate, happily married with a baby, and if her parents decide to send her to nursery, DH and I will offer to pay.

How are your DC doing?

There are loads of playgroups and coffee mornings. My kids are a bit older now, but it's a fairly small community so I know what's running. I can think of half a dozen within easy reach without even looking them up.

@RosesAndHellebores maybe ask your Oxford grad about counterfactuals and correlation v causation! Ps my children are under 4, enjoying quality time with their mother - as I did with mine at that age (I also have a PhD).

I have been told mothers on maternity leave keep their older child in nursery so they don’t lose their place as there is a shortage of nurseries. Think,it’s slightly different as the child has been going to nursery and it’s their routine.

Why would I? He read Classics.
When your DC are grown up, you may be knowledgeable enough about parenting to give parenting advice.

I didn't know many people 30 years ago who didn't send their DC to nursery, nursery not childcare, if they could afford to do so.

As long as you pay for the place, they don't have to actually be there full time. It's a choice, as I said, I did it myself.