AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

She might be vulnerable but she is also a massive liar who tried to ruin this boy's life because she wasn't getting her own way. I have zero sympathy.

And that's fine. You are allowed to feel how you feel.

What about women who enjoy casual sex?

? He’s actually a solicitor that supports women who have be violently abused I don’t think this is the place to make such assumptions over someone you don’t actually know just because he’d like to mention this situation to the parents association as it is worrying in terms of mental health.

Yes I am, as are you. I won't be derailing this thread any further but please be mindful of spouting opinions like they are facts. People absolutely love attributing bad behaviour to ADHD on here and they just run with it. I for one am tired of it all.

Sorry op for derailing the thread.

It’s really not that extreme. We’ve had children lie about family members dying for attention, making up health scares etc… what world do you live in?

No one believes this. Not even you.

The best advice you have had here is to educate your son out of his rudeness, unkindness and entitlement (a better looking girl?!), if it’s not too late, and move on. He’s had a rude awakening that behaviour has consequences and that should be enough.

And yeah, if he doesn’t like the girl enough to show her a basic level of respect he shouldn’t be having sex with her- especially if she is a bit vulnerable.

So .. he deferred his place at Uni, with no actual evidence of any pregnancy, with no evidence he was the father despite claiming to have used a condom, with no conversation about whether they would continue with any pregnancy or not.

He’s learned a valuable lesson in contraception, relationship, and the use of facts when making a decision.

how many 18-year-old boys discuss splitting condoms with their Mums

You’re doing it to that girl. Not nice is it?

Your son has done nothing wrong. Completely reasonable a teenager who’s going to uni in a few months would only want a casual relationship. He’s communicated this and she has agreed and understood. He has also used protection. Was prepared to step up when he was told by her (which you would believe why wouldn’t you when someone says they are pregnant). Bollocks to everyone who has said it’s Andrew Tate like, anyone saying this over 30 years old then yes agreed an absolute loser. It’s a normal teenager relationship. You should be very proud that you have created a safe environment for him to come and speak to you about all this.

This young woman at 18 knows the difference between right and wrong. She sounds mentally, very unstable. Dont get the school involved. Make sure you have saved screenshots stored incase needed at a later date. I don’t know whether it’s worth speaking to her parents, there’s likely a reason she’s this way and if they would be helpful.

It is deeply disturbing to think that she thought to do this in the first place and makes you wonder what else she is capable of. Stay far away.

Well this is my first experience of my son being lied to about a pregnancy. At his age I didn’t lie to guys but maybe times have changed

sadly I have and it’s not a conversation DH and I really wanted to have.

I suppose at that age most aren’t looking for long term relationships. It does seem quite cold but back in my day (70s) they didn’t bother telling you it was just sex, so you ended up feeling a bit of a gullible fool. At least he had the decency to be upfront. The girl is not a one night stand kind of girl, she obviously wants an emotional connection to the one she’s sleeping with, so this can also be a learning curve for her.

Trying to contact tne girl's school is crazy behaviour and your husband is doing that purely for revenege. He is not even on the association for that school merely connected to it. It won't make either school better as you claim. He is hoping the school will look down on her. That is it. You know this is the plan/hope. He wants to tell someone in the boy's school then for them to go to the girl's school. You are making excuses for your husband. It is disgusting. Tell him to cop on and not abuse his power. At MOST he could tell the story without names.

But times haven't changed, you just aren't representative of everyone. This has happened with fault on both sides, and let it be a learning curve for both of them.

Involving school about how she behaves in her sexual relationships which are nothing whatsoever to do with school, is completely out of order.

the association encompasses both schools. It’s multiple schools within the association.

I can’t believe the people trying to vilify your son or compare him to Andrew Tate - sounds like he’s been wholly honest around what sort of interaction was on the cards.

A (male) friend of mine at college ended up in a similar situation which escalated. Absolutely none of it was true, was proven to be untrue and she eventually admitted she’d fully lied with zero basis. It ruined him and was very very serious indeed. I hope your son gets the support he needs to navigate that this was not a normal reaction and not all future partners will be this unhinged.

At 18 I had sex with no intention of a relationship, I just wanted sex. They were guys I knew, guys I continued to be friendly with after, they knew what it was, I knew what it was, fuck all to do with Andrew Tate.

If this is real, then yes obviously she shouldn’t have faked a pregnancy but women can more easily become attached after sex than men because of the way the hormones work.

What your son said to her was extremely cruel - he likes the way she looks and wants to use her before he moves on to someone of a better calibre at university. You need to school him on not treating women like sex toys.

If you had a daughter who this was said to, just how would you feel?

You need to be annoyed that your son put himself in a position where a girl tells him he impregnated her and he 'believes her completely'.
Neither you or your son can control what other people do. Had this been true, the decision as to whether your son would have a child would be entirely out of his hands. Men have one opportunity to not become fathers or be accused of causing pregnancies.
Rather than waste time on speculating about the motives of a stranger point out this is a learning moment for him about the need to practice safe sex.

I think your son has been as decent as he can reasonably be - all girls are pretty vulnerable at 18, but on his side - he communicated clearly and properly, and made sure she consented. You just can't expect to protect girls from hurt feelings if they insist they are ready to have casual sex. Using sex to 'catch' somebody does risk having your heart broken.

However, this girl sounds like she is trying to manage what happens - she obviously hoped your son would 'catch feelings' for her if they had sex. He didn't. That was a risk she went into with her eyes open.

Then she manipulated your son into getting back in touch with her and panicked him into deferring his university course. At that point she is edging into dangerous-to-others territory. She obviously doesn't care about your son; this is not the behaviour of somebody who actually cares about somebody.

It is certainly worth having a word with somebody - she needs to reflect and realise that relationships involve two people and honesty. I doubt she has the maturity to do that without guidance.

Oh ok. Any kind of behaviour is fine as long as you’re ‘honest’ about it? Stealing? Injuring someone on purpose?

Being honest about treating someone like crap does not make it ok.

As a teenage girl, it always fascinated me how my male peers would leave contraception completely in the hands of a fellow teenager. "She said she was on contraception!" male friends would say, trying to get my sympathy after an unplanned pregnancy was announced. Your son could have become a father for real.

Then I would fix them with a gimlet-eyed stare and say, "I'm sure she was. I'm also sure that Kayleigh/Sarah/[other common era girls' name] is as haphazard about taking her tablets at the same time every day as she is about her coursework deadlines and not losing her purse. If the male pill existed, you'd forget tablets all the time as well".

As for condoms, I used to carefully check the condom for splits afterwards, as per instructions. I wonder, does your son recall doing that?