AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

I think people are also confusing the use of vulnerable. To me she is vulnerable as she seems unstable. If the harassment and sending explicit photos is true and he felt the need to block her then to me there are alarm bells that something isn't quite right with her.
Whether she is mentally unwell I wouldn't like to say. I think this is a good lesson to the son about not just taking things at face value (assuming she consented as it was all written in text, not considering the wider picture of her targeting him and persevering despite rejection and even being told he wants better - realistically how many people would still go there after being told they are good enough for one night but not good enough for more - especially having gone after him for so long).

I think everyone would agree with you, if mum had presented this way from the start. But she didn’t.

But the OP read the text conversations with "no", "no", "fine but casual" conversations?

I didn't know we were reacting to an imagined set of in-person conversations that made clear he was Tate-esque.

"I think people are also confusing the use of vulnerable. To me she is vulnerable as she seems unstable."

Yes but the fact she is unstable is evident from her behaviour subsequent to their casual arrangement; and many posters have criticised^^ op's son for exploiting a vulnerable person - when it's not clear he could have known that from the start

He wasn't a minor, the age of consent is 16 in the UK.

And the use of mummy and daddy was me taking the piss as OP felt it necessary to mention hubby being an accountant..it felt very much like the consensus was that the Son WAS being infantalised...by OP!!! She even refers to them as boys and girls ffs.

She did, though. She's escalated in terms of impact on her son, but its been clear since very early in the thread that - based on what OP has read/seen - the girl was persistently pursuing DS and then tipped over to harrassment.

That said, I do agree that the OP's posts have consistently over-stated his (DS) accountability in relation to hers (the young woman). I presume partially in recognition of more typical dynamics, partially because she doesnt want to demonize, and partially because we're on a forum that jumps to things like "DH is an abuse and a nonce".

The age of majority in the UK is 18.

16 and 17 year olds are not criminalized for having consensual sexual contact, but are not legally allowed to access any pornograpgy, let alone CSAM. Nor, of course, should they be making of distributing any.

If you had started this thread with ‘my son is suicidal after being harasser/stalked by a one night stand who also lied about being pregnant’ - the responses would have been different. Presuming this is the case, your son needs to block her on everything and make a police report for harassment. He then needs therapy as to be driven to suicidal ideation over this is extremely concerning.

As parents of an adult child, your own behaviour is still extremely overbearing and infantilising. You need to empower him (and support him) to take the action that feels appropriate and proportionate and will lead to the outcome he wants. For example, if what he wants is for this to stop and be over then getting the school and PTA involved is not a good idea. I would say that you should also support your son to understand this as a learning experience about the complexity of sex, and the need for absolute emotional maturity in one night stands. The looking through his phone, looking at explicit pictures of this young woman, reporting it to the school and so on is creating such drama around the whole event that it is no wonder your son has moved to catastrophise. None of what has happened is the end of the world. Whichever way you cut it, you are too involved in your adult child’s business and need a bit of self reflection. (I know a fair few private school educated men whose overbearing parents have really impeded their ability to live an adult life, pit the breaks on this tendency to swoop in as if he were a toddler now).

Yeah don't even get me started on why those two things don't align in our country.
Personally I think age of consent should be 18. But totally different subject!

This, with bells on!

I think its hard for someone with any sort of involvement in a school, especially when they're in a regulated profession, to turn a blind eye to an issue like this (that seems endemic) once they are made directly aware of it.

I also find it difficult to envisage the same attitude being taken in relation to a just-turned-18 young woman, who came to their parents for help.

Where did I say ‘turn a blind eye’? I said the son, as an adult, should lead the response (with parents support). I work in a uni and this absolutely is something we would treat as a wellbeing issue for both students in the first instance. If any criminal activity has occurred, such as harassment, response would be led by student conduct policies. None of this requires mum and dad in the text message and photo history of their son’s phone, gossiping to other parents or any of that. The escalation of this by the parents is alarming to me, and again would form part of any wellbeing support we’dnoffer both parties. The last thing these adults need is drama-hyped parents making everything worse. In the normal course of things this kind of incident blows over, what would be urgent residually is addressing both young people’s ability to cope with intimate relationships, and the inevitable rejection that they involve.

It is a totally different subject but, in any event, the issue of indecent images being (persistently) sent to minors is definitely relevant to the thread, and it sounds like a very real possibility that the images constituted CSAM.

I aldo find it very hard to square your "the age of consent should be 18" position with your prior comments about infantalizing, a 17/18 year old. Schraudingers sexual maturity.

And yes the principle of ‘the adult is in charge of their own life’ is one that applied equally to men and women. I have had female victims of SA, females diagnosed with terminal illness etc and the parents are absolutely not leading the charge on how that is dealt with. They aren’t even in the room for most of the meetings we have with students (very rarely a student will ask to have a parent for support). Most young people see themselves as adults and don’t want parental crutches. In the cases of very serious mental illness we may inform parents, of other next of kin…

Where did I say ‘turn a blind eye’? I said the son, as an adult, should lead the response (with parents support).

Here:

For example, if what he wants is for this to stop and be over then getting the school and PTA involved is not a good idea.

Even if DS wanted to leave it there, I think it's difficult for a parent (a solicitor) involved with the PTA to not alert the school when they have become aware it's impacting multiple students.

I agree it doesnt require them to go through his phone, but everything reads as though it's after DS has come to them for help. I'm assuming - perhaps wrongly - that he had agency in this.