AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

This has nothing to do with the school. Just the only way you can of to punish and humiliate her.

I think they have both been silly but it's absolutely wrong to involve the girl's school or parents.

If you say to anyone, what you've said here. That he told her it was just sex, people will absolutely think badly of your son. The way you're talking here. You want her punished and her name pulled through the mud. But it will backfire on you. You probably need to think rationally.

I think this is a bit of a sad situation. Clearly , they are both still very young and I think it’s more difficult anyway for women to have causal relationships but doing this at 18 was asking for trouble.

In my youth I did have “ no strings “ set ups - but I always got emotionally invested . I think a lot of girls think quite romantically and likely believe they can change a boy , he will fall in love with her , it will be a classic case of friends falling in love like you see in the movies .

The blame can’t be all on your son if he was clear but maybe this is a wake up call for him . Be careful , girls his age are vulnerable and likely are not always capable of separating emotions from sex like boys are.

I think he was just stressed and panicking we didn’t know about any of this till I sat him down to see what was going on. He was acting quite strange and then suddenly saying he wants a gap year when he’s been looking forward to uni and hockey club for the last 2 years. Since going to Durham for open day just after starting sixth form.

Who cares if she has ADHD. She's not your child, not your problem. Let her be someone else's problem. Help DS move on.

Actions can have consequences

Do not contact her school. That’s your husband trying to take advantage of his position. The others will think he’s mad. Two young adults consenting to sex. Who knows whether she ‘thought’ she was pregnant (even for a few hours) and then realised she wasn’t. As soon as she knew she wasn’t pregnant she should’ve shut that down.

im surprised that you’ve been so overly involved in this situation and you didn’t advise your son for proof of pregnancy/ more dialogue with the girl (and possibly her family) before he deferred a uni place.

I have 3 sons

I wouldn't want them to sleep about like this. He says he's been up front, and he has, but he's a guy and either didn't understand or didn't care about the vulnerability of some girls. I can't fathom the coldness of effectively saying "I think you are quite hot and I'll give you one, but I don't much like you as a person so there'll be nothing more than a shag". As a girl I can see that at 18 I wouldn't have fully understood that. Neither would I have faked pregnancy, mind you.

I think your son has learned a lesson that in most cases girls that age don't sleep with men without believing the possibility at least of a relationship and some emotional investment arising from it.

This. I'd be horrified if my son was saying this sort of stuff. Women aren't a vessel to fulfill mens needs.

Do you think girls and women don’t have sex just for the pleasure of it??

What do you want to achieve by the school knowing? Are you wanting them to punish the girl for lying? Are you wanting them to see that she is vulnerable and might need help?

I don't get why your husband being on the parents association matters. If he wasn't on that would you not report it?

I am also confused as to why your son deferred if he knew she was going to have an abortion. If that had already been agreed then he could have come back to support her at the time (if this had all been real of course).

Both of them need to learn from this. Yes it was very wrong if the girl to make up this lie.
But I would also make your son aware of other people's emotions.
Obviously we don't know much on this girl, but if he is the first boy to show her attention then she might have hoped that sex was the way to gain interest and then was hurt when it wasn't.

How will it backfire on me? I am not the one that’s lied I’m also not the one that has had sex with someone who’s clearly very vulnerable. I am not part of the association DH is fine with us not looking great he’s a solicitor he looked at the messages dating back months even in sept he told her he was not interested but she kept in contact anyway. Neither I nor my husband are saying that our son is an angel but someone who is willing to lie like this can lie about much worse when triggered.

This, although ‘silly’ to very different degrees. 18 year olds aren’t exactly known for their sensible decision making though, of course. I certainly wouldn’t be vindictive enough as to go to her school and escalate this much further than it ever needs to be. Hopefully they will both learn something here, and use that moving forward.

This in spades with fucking bells on. She's behaved badly but so has he.

You are very much part of the association, as is your DH. What would your motive be for contacting school and what would you like them to do about what has happened?

Why, I’ve definitely done this in the past. Sex because I want sex, it’s completely normal. If women can do it so can men! Edit: sorry I meant to reply to the original commenter not you! 😑

Sometimes, but in reality i think the vast majority of women prefer sex within a relationship to no strings sex, given a choice.

No strings penetrative sex for women (eg effective contraception) is an incredibly recent phenomenon in terms of evolution, we have not evolved for it. An unplanned pregnancy carries far more risk for women than men.

I think you need to have a good conversation with him about communication, expectations and that sex without connection isn't that common and how she may be feeling / felt to agree to it.
what he did wasn't great in my opinion and one I would question and get him to think about calmly without being angry with her - what he was asking of a young person I think was unreasonable and cold / simplistic so maybe he needs to learn about how to consider others a bit more.

what she did was awful too - obviously vulnerable and with massive unintended consequences that she will need to live through

both of them made huge errors and need to deal with the consequences

there is no value I think in trying to make one worse than the other be angry with them both and support your son to make the most of his gap year, to consider the feelings of others and for him to learn that maybe he needs to think of others a bit more.

let her do her and hope she has kindness and support too

Having both adult sons and adult daughters i was would really upset with my daughter for being desperate enough to lie about a pregnancy but equally utterly disgusted with my son that was happy to say to a teenage girl he found her attractive enough to sleep with but would want nothing more than sex from her. I genuinely dont know what I would find harder to stomach

I think this is the downside really to" casual sex" .Many young girls are cool with it .However some arent! Vulnerable young women will say .something like this just to get the young mans attention.However may be worth a talk to your son and see theres a difference between a girl that is cool with this and those that are not.

They’re not going to punish her ? My husband is part of the association they talk about school matters parents often have their own experiences and it helps the school. She is planning to redo a year and we’ve found out she’s had issues at the school before with lying. No one’s trying to punish her probably more so be supportive of her as she is vulnerable. My son is 18 no one is saying he is an angel either but he doesn’t deserve that. He even messaged his friends the messages of her saying she’s pregnant they did all just laugh and tell him she’s lying and one of the guys said she did something similar to him but my son didn’t want any issues so he chose to respond instead of coming to us.

That’s absolute nonsense. He was completely honest with her throughout.

I detest Andrew Tate but I am NOT getting AT vibes from this.

Why can’t he just want sex for the sake of it? Who says he has to marry every girl he has sex with ffs!

He has just as much right to want a casual shag as anyone. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

What has your husband's occupation got to do with this? 🤔

@Savvysix1984 makes a very good point actually. It sounds like your DH is throwing his weight around to bully and humiliate the girl.

Not a good look.

He is 18 why can’t he have sex why does that have to mean he’s Andrew Tate. From the looks of the messages he seemed really supportive and even apologised and said maybe it split etc even asked her again didn’t you say you were on the pill and then he said I guess accidents can happen and they’re not always effected. These are verbatim phrases