AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

On this board people use adhd for everything its fucking horrendous and sickening that it is allowed. ADHD has nothing to do with this girl being delusional and making up a fake pregnancy. She is completely in the wrong for that. If she is ND thats a separate issue. I have adhd and never faked a bloody pregnancy ffs.

Tosh.

Pleadng your belly is the oldest story in the book.

How did he treat her like crap? He made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship and she agreed she felt the same. Two consensual (adult) people agreeing to have a casual fling is perfectly fine.

Also, just because he has a stash of condoms, that doesn’t mean he used them. I would say that on all of my encounters with men, the vast majority were quite happy not to use contraception or even to ask me whether I used any.

I agree. We have talked to him about it, it was a three hour conversation. I am disappointed in how he spoke to her but can also see he was very clear dating back to September and did try to tell her he doesn’t want anything to do with her but she kept contacting him. He probably should have blocked her I am not sure why he didn’t just come and speak to us. He said he thought she’d leave him alone even specifically told her he just wants to focus on his exams that was coupled up with wanting to meet “better looking” girls at Durham so we’ve had a discussion with him and will continue to in hopes he understands. I have younger sons so we will do better with them so they’re not in a situation like this.

Trust me my son has learnt his lesson. There’s a thin line here because once he time his friends we had a look at the messages I think things like this can radicalise young men so we are trying our best to make sure he doesn’t take this that was and sees this as an isolated incident

I'd be furious with her too. I get that sometimes you might agree to just being fwb, but secretly hoping for more; I've been there. I've been obsessed with people at times too,I also recognised that there was nothing I could do to change it. I did know girls who 'accidentally' got pregnant when relationships were looking iffy, then 'lost ' it. 16+ is a wild time. Kids can be dicks.

I also slept with lots of young men from 17 until I met dh in my 20s, because.... it was fun. I probably played a bit fast and loose with the chance of an sti, if I'm honest, but i never missed a pill. There's a part of me that will always miss the thrill of the pull. This girl is clearly desperate/manipulative and potentially quite dangerous.

I definitely think you need to speak with her parents, mortifying as that might be to all concerned. Faking a pregnancy is a big deal. Lying to such an extent that another person changes big life plans (your son deferring his place) is a big deal. This is definitely a cause for concern and something her parents should be aware of in case there's a pattern of behaviour. I agree that letting the school know would be useful too, not in a telling-tales way, but from a pastoral perspective if she's still learning there this year and so the school can address the issues in their PSHE classes.

I'm no fan of Tate's but this is bullshit.
Do you think women who just want fwb's have Tate vibes, too?

Or indeed anybody who has sex outside of a relationship?

It’s not ok to tell a woman you only like the look of her and are going to wait for someone better. That is callous and cruel. I really shouldn’t have to explain that to you.

I think I would, if only to fireproof against any future lies that she might tell.

You don't want your son to be vulnerable to claims that her forced or coerced her to have sex, or was physically abusive to her in some way and, given her whopper of a lie, another lie from her might be coming down the track.

At least by exposing this lie, your son will be in a better position to rebuff any others.

I wasn’t there so can’t say what he used and didn’t but I can say he asked her multiple times if she is on the pill even over text. He’s said he used a condom, she confirmed that in the messages when he told him she was “pregnant”

things like this can radicalise young men

If only we could radicalise young women not to have sex with men who told them they could find better looking women in Durham. We can only hope.

I think your DH would be abusing his position on the school association if he reveals this kind of personal information. I think his concern over the girl's mental health is a smokescreen.

I think your DS needs to mature a bit. He seems to think saying he's only wanting casual sex makes unkindness OK. His attitude to this girl, sharing her messages with his friends, is unpleasant.

It probably isn’t just you, but it’s certainly not a view shared by everybody.

I’ve done it, but I’m not a boy. Is that still sad? It’s just sex after all.

I think that’s what DH is trying to do ever since seeing the messages. She was very persistent etc sending him photos even when he said to stop he explicitly asked her to stop sending him explicit photons. DH isn’t trying to punish her it’s just the first time we are seeing all of this and are quite shocked.
We have taken his phone off him so he can have a bit of a break from texts and social media as we did go through his phone. There are multiple girls constantly messaging him even when he says no. Yes maybe he could be a bit firmer and to be honest I think he likes the attention too albeit he doesn’t like any of them as he has told them multiple times. There’s seems to be a pattern of girls just sending stuff or asking him if they can send stuff even after he has explicitly said no he doesn’t like them.

Those are not equivalent situations: it’s reasonable for people who are of the age of sexual consent to say what’s on offer - this is a summer fling, this is not serious, etc. He didn’t treat her like crap IMO, he said what was on offer; he didn’t lie to her. She could have declined at any time. He’s been direct, blunt and some people might interpret that as a bit cruel, but it has been honest.

Lying to the point of disrupting someone’s career, willingness to pursue other relationships, and maliciously making claims for attention is far more atrocious. She isn’t just a victim here and her retaliation is disproportionate to her experience. I’d be worried around escalations.

eta: lost the quote to @Palomiino

OP, your son sounds like a decent lad. People have casual sex, you don’t have to be in a relationship. He was clear about how he felt, he didn’t force her, discussed contraception. It wasn’t a drunken one night stand and the Andrew Tate commments are ridiculous. People who idolise the likes of Andrew Tate are the ones that love Bomb with lies and then ghost women after getting what they want or bully and abuse them. This is not what happened here at all. Be proud of your son, he doing normal things that young adults do. You might not like the tone of some of those messages, but your his mum - You’re not supposed to see/hear about that kind of stuff.

If i was you i would speak to her parents they need to get some mental health help. Then block the girl on everything.

But the future encounters probably will be similar to this because no girl without low self esteem and a good moral compass would ever put themselves in a position like this with someone who is clearly so lacking in emotional empathy and respect for people's feelings. Stupid games win stupid prizes and all that. If he wants to play fast and loose, he's going to get a stream of vulnerable girls "causing drama"

OP hope this helps 😊

If any of you have daughters please check on them because after looking through my sons phone I am quite sad. I am glad I didn’t grow up with phones. These girls are just sending very explicit photos of themselves even the boy has said no stop or I don’t like you or I don’t want a relationship. It’s shocked me to my core which was why I made this post and also why DH wants to mention this topic in the association so people can check on their children. Boys find it funny but if just be heartbreaking for the girls and quite degrading asking a boy to send you a photo back and he refuses yet you proceed to send a photo even after being told not to? don’t know what goes on in the minds of young people these days.

Agree.
Those talking about Tate need to also realise that in Tate's world women are sexually exclusive to one man only forever while he does what he likes.

Is that what they want? No more casual sex for women?
Only sex for women upon marriage?
I doubt that's what they want. Lol.

They can't have it both ways. Either women have sexual agency or they do not.

I don’t think this makes him Andrew Tate at all. When I was 15 an older boy used me for sex, he was about to turn 18 so it was almost illegal but not quite by weeks I guess. He wasn’t explicit and I was so young and naive, I thought he wanted a relationship with me. I was devastated for months, it really crushed me when I realised I’d been used.

Your DS was explicit from the start. Her fault was believing he’d change his mind after the act. Many women fall foul of this, even older ones do. They think they’re so special, they will be able to change the man. Maybe it worked for her before and another guy did fall for her after sex.

Well, neither of them have covered themselves in glory here! Your son seems to think it's ok to just use someone for sex as long as he's up front about it, which isn't an attitude I'd want to instil in any of my sons. He needs to understand that people have feelings and when sex is involved, feelings can get complicated.

Obviously what this girl did was wrong. But she's 18 and 18 year olds do stupid impetuous things without thinking of the consequences. Hopefully this is a lesson learned for both of them. I'd leave it alone now and let them both move on from it.

He even messaged his friends the messages of her saying she’s pregnant they did all just laugh and tell him she’s lying and one of the guys said she did something similar to him but my son didn’t want any issues so he chose to respond instead of coming to us

You do realise that this makes it sound like your son and his mates are using clearly vulnerable girls for sex and using messages to say it's casual in advance to protect themselves with these vulnerable girls ...

It really doesn't reflect well on your son or his friends with this added bit of information @PithySloth

No. It's literally nature. As long as they aren't forcing anyone, why on earth would it be sad? If both parties are on board, then of course they should go for it! It's called having fun.