AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

I still don't understand the whole parent association aspect. Is this some kind of panel?

If anything a safeguarding referral is what you might be needing and seeing if the school has a counsellor.

Up to you man. If you want your lump of flesh that badly. Just remember, once you start that wheel going. You won't have any control over it.

Your dh sounds really controlling and concerning tbh. Why has he got such a vendetta against a vulnerable 18 yo girl who (like most teenagers have at some point) made a stupid mistake?

DS's main lesson is to use contraception when he wants casual sex and not vaguely assume the woman has it in hand.
Also that a woman's (or man's) feelings can be changed by having sex, and someone who wasn't interested in him romantically before, might feel passionately towards him afterwards or at least want some kind of contact.
Also that it's best not to act hastily when it comes to important decisions!
Hopefully he'll take these lessons away. Deferring his uni place isn't a disaster.
Of course the young woman shouldn't have faked pregnancy, but DS can only change his own behaviour, not hers.

Bull. You are not trying to protect her - no way you even believe that yourself. At least be honest about the motivations here.

Ah, so you want to report it out of concern for the girl? Nothing to do with retribution for her, admittedly, awful action against your not terribly nice sounding son that you and your husband are so furious about.

Codswallop.

I am not involved in the association he can do what he wants. Parents often share experiences to make the school better and this is quite a serious one. Lying about a pregnancy is extreme. Someone that can do that can lie about anything ie assault etc. they both consented. Probably best to not have sex at this rate hopefully he learns his lessons for when he goes to uni.

I am just confused that If a guy explicitly says he wants to find a “better” girl and “better looking” girl at uni to be in a relationship with. Why would you sleep with him ? I admit that is a disgusting thing to say but surely that should have been a sign for her to stop contacting him. He showed who he was from the start.

I fail to see why this should be raised with her school. If your DH weren’t on the PA, would you be emailing the Head?

It doesn't sound like the apple falls far from the tree either.

Wtf where has the ADHD come from?

You people are making all kinds of shit up now to attribute to ADHD... absolute bollocks.

I would never have done this at 18 and I abhore lying, especially if it ruins someone's life. There was no suggestion anywhere that this girl has ADHD apart from your own fantasies.

He’s not reporting it for punishment. It’s to start a conversation and to raise awareness and this isn’t normal it’s worrying a bit worried for her mental health to be able to do that to someone. He says one of his friends had a similar experience. I guess the lesson here is for them to stop having sex with vulnerable girls and that’s something that can be talked about at school for boys to understand.

Obviously not!

You are extrapolating massively. She faked a pregnancy, not an assault. And lots of teenagers lie about stuff - believe me, I’ve worked with enough. They don’t go on to these extremes

You can't be contacting her school - that would be overstepping and using your position unfairly.

She's 18, still maturing - becoming an adult is a process and at this age, they do still make dodgy decisions. Yanbu for being cross but maybe the extra year before uni will benefit your DS. He will also gain maturity (if only to tread carefully) and can earn extra money, have some fun. He will be fine. The girl has seen that faking pregnancy doesn't get her what she wants and hopefully her self esteem will improve as she grows up and she won't do this again.

If this was my son, I'd be telling him not to sleep with women just for the sex - there's always a risk of pregnancy even if he's careful. If he's ever in a position of having an unplanned baby, it would be better if it was with a woman he actually liked enough to have been in a relationship with.

He did? Even in the messages when he said that to her she said yes you did but maybe it split etc

I agree.

And my own experience.

OP has said the girl is clearly vulnerable. Many many girls are undiagnosed and it can cause behaviour that is impulsive, also low self esteem.

I am not excusing anyone's part in this. Just explaining how the girl may well have tried to 'create' a relationship.

Of course she may not have ADHD. She's still vulnerable and has low self esteem.

Honestly it’s pretty clear that she had feelings for him and she was hoping that he would change his mind. I can see it from both sides, obviously she shouldn’t have faked a pregnancy but also I think he should have had the sense to realise that she had feelings for him and it was all going to end in tears. Also I would probably have waited until I’d seen a scan before deferring a uni place but perhaps I have a suspicious mind.

I think he needs to think of this as a life lesson and move on, and the best thing you can do is help him think of things to do in his year off to help him with this.

Sorry but just because you have it doesn't mean other people with ADHD act like this. You might have been comfortable lying but I certainly wasn't. I hate liars. Especially ones who lie to get their own way.

Yanbu to be angry but like pp have said, no girl is is mentally healthy would act like this, and I'm not sure she would have expected him to defer uni when she said she was going to have an abortion - that's on him. Hopefully they will have both learnt something from this. I don't think your son did anything wrong but I'm not sure what telling the school will achieve unless you think they can offer her much more support (but if they're already aware of her past lying and the support offered so far hadn't helped, I doubt this)

Ha faux concern used to control and punish woman. Does dh control you too? Has he been ‘falsely accused’ of dv in the past? I smell a rat

Christ the number of pearl clutchers aghast by the news that sex is pleasurable for both men and women. It’s only society that has deemed that someone ought to be in a romantic relationship to have/enjoy sex. It is not remotely similar to the vile filth Andrew Tate spews. How ridiculous!! If you can’t have carefree sex at 18, I don’t know when you can 🙄

Your son had a lucky escape. Have known girls to get pregnant to a boy they were infatuated with in the hope he stays with them. Teenagers are immature and live in their own fantasy world sometimes

Also what this girl did isn't unusual. My eldest is 40 and this sort of drama was happening back then. Some teenagers are just crazy. They live in the moment and don't think things through.

That’s why this extreme is quite extreme. What else can she lie about. He even accepted the fault that maybe the condom split etc but she was also on contraception (I know contraception isn’t 100% effective) and said he is sorry he will come to the appointment with her

If it was reversed people would be saying call the boys school and report him to the authorities