AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

So there are aome good things to take from all of this. DS was willing to shoulder responsibility and not bail on the situation. He's demonstrated that he did and does discuss contraception and commitment prior to sex. These are good things.
Maybe you can reframe your view of her as an upset vulnerable girl who said some stupid things. She's clearly in need of some therapy and support.
But I do feel for you and your DS. It sounds horrible

This is a nightmare, but they walk amongst us. Men and women can use manipulation and immoral tactics to get what they want. If he was up front and it sounds like he was, and his intentions were fair, which it sounds like they were, and he deferred his place at Durham, then he's done what he can be expected to at every turn.

She's done something awful, absolutely, but I don't know whether you're going to get anything "done" about it by contacting school or parents. Let her live with that, because she will think about what she did forever and feel terrible, more than likely.

Absolutely don’t contact her parents or the schools, that would only add more drama without actually making anything better for your son.

Your DS will have the opportunity to earn some money and go travelling (I’m a big fan). He has also learned a big lesson about trust in relationships (that everything might not be a simple as it seems).

I would try and move on

Pretty much this. Sorry OP your son doesn't really come out smelling of roses here. Girls since time began will agree to almost anything to try and get the person they have a huge crush on. Hoping it'll turn into something more. She was wrong yes, absolutely but so was he for taking advantage.

Maybe he needs to learn his lessons about casual.sex and knock it off in future if he doesn't want the drama.

He was honest from the start how on earth is this his fault?

I don’t think it’ll make it worse for my son ? He has the messages dating back. End of the day it’s my husbands decision as he is in the parents association he knows the staff at the school. I can only support our son as best as I can he’s been quite down recently and I’m annoyed for him. I don’t condone his behaviour of sex but he’s 18 he’s going to have sex he was as honest as he could be. He told her he didn’t want anything more and used the word “casual” verbatim in his text messages and even asked her if she on contraception and she said yes

It’s a valuable lesson, sex is complicated! It’s mad that he deferred uni on account of it though.

Why on earth are you considering involving her school?

Yeah no he doesn’t come out well either I’m not saying he is an angel but I am saying he doesn’t deserve for someone to lie about a pregnancy. I guess it’s a lesson to be learnt and we will see what the schools association thinks of this situation

Because I have ADHD and her behaviour is familiar to me. And I mentioned it as a possibility, not a given.

So he didn’t use a condom? Does he know about STIs? A baby isn’t all you can get from sex.

Hang on... he didn't use a condom and took her weird on contraception?

That was profoundly silly.

I have no idea what you would gain from contacting parents or school. What do you hope to achieve?

DH is in the parents association our son finished schools this year but the girl goes to the sister school. He’s more annoyed with this than I am after having a look at all the messages. Surely a girl of 18 knows not to lie about a pregnancy then when he wanted to come with her to the appointment and even just wait in the waiting area she said no then later said she lied because she missed him and likes him etc

Lol go for it. As long as you don't mind you son being labelled as a bloke who uses vulnerable girls for sex.

There are 2 sides to every coin dude.

The woman was wrong to lie about the pregnancy for sure. She maybe thought he'd change his mind about seeing her after they'd slept together, but even so, she shouldn't have lied about something so huge.

Your son was showing responsibility by deferring his uni place to support her. However, he needs to think more about the feelings of others. Women aren't just vessels for men to get their rocks off. He could do with learning about how men and women differ with regard to sex. How women are usually much more emotionally invested. Even though he was blunt and told her it was only sex, ghosting her must have hurt. He will hopefully learn all this in due course as he matures, but it's a valuable lesson to teach our sons, when young, that women aren't emotionless sex toys for their pleasure.

The lesson he needs to learn is that he can’t control anyone else’s behaviour, only his own, ie that you choose carefully who you sleep with, however casually, you use condoms correctly whatever form of contraception the other person says they’re on, and surely, before you defer university, you get some actual proof of pregnancy!

He used a condom ? Sorry did I not make that clear in the original post. He still used a condom and she said she is on contraception that’s why he was confused but ultimately accepted that accidents do happen that’s why he wanted to go to the appointment with her and be supportive

I’d get your son to get in touch with the head of economics at Durham and explain the situation - and tell the absolute truth. There are often dropouts in the first few weeks or even before term starts and this definitely counts as extenuating circumstances. There’s no point in contacting the school but I would have a word with her parents and they need to know she’s vulnerable.

Yep he’s a silly boy he has learnt his lesson I hope considering he’s been very down I think he will have learnt his lesson

Women do it too

He is an adult, what does HE want to do? I don’t think you should be contacting anyone, he is an adult and this is his situation. Yes what she has done is awful but how does he want to move forward?

You can be angry but I don’t think you should insert yourself. Sex comes with consequences, pregnancy, disease, hurt feelings and sometimes insane behaviour. I think he should take action against her to show her she cannot get away with it, but ultimately that is up to him, not his mum and dad.

I did read this and think the moral of the story is not to have casual sex. But many people do, the expectations were laid out in advance and there was consent.

What the girl did in faking the pregnancy was significantly worse.

The lad sounds decent, I don’t know many 18 year old boys who would defer a uni place because they thought they were having a baby from a one night stand.

Just have to see what DH thinks as he’s the one in the association not me

She thought he’d change his mind after having sex with her.

i beleive the youth of today call it “catching feelings”

I am consumed why are people saying she has ADHD ? What has adhd got to do with lying about a pregnancy. I’m not well versed on the topic of ADHD I didn’t know that was one of the symptoms.

Your DS hasn't done anything wrong.

Yes, girls get desperate and don't always mean it when they say they are ok to be casual. To actually fake a pregnancy is a whole other level though. She sounds like a massive psycho with huge mental health issues.

I would leave it alone and not contact the school because she will find a way to make it worse for everyone.

Lesson for DS is to be very careful who he has sex with.