AIBU to be angry after a girl faked pregnancy so my son could respond to her messages?

[PithySloth]

I'm a mum of four boys, in my 40s so I am not going to pretend I understand what goes on in the minds of 18 year old girls. I grew up at a very different time. My husband and I met in first year at university and have been together ever since, so I don't really have any personal experience of what it feels like to be rejected in the way my son apparently rejected this girl.

I can empathise with her feeling hurt. I really can.But I'm also incredibly annoyed for my son.The more I've seen of their messages, the more confused I am about how this situation got to where it did.

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no.

Her response was essentially that she was fine with that and didn't want a boyfriend either.So I'm genuinely struggling to understand why she then slept with him and subsequently became so determined to get his attention.

Afterwards, my son told her again that he wasn't interested in anything more. He has shown us messages where he was very blunt about it. He wasn't leading her on. If anything, he was probably too blunt.
He told her he wanted to meet other girls at university and that he wasn't looking for a relationship with her.She continued messaging him, asking to see him. He stopped responding.Then came the pregnancy.And that's the bit I simply cannot get my head around.She wasn't pregnant. She invented the pregnancy because she wanted him to speak to her.

He believed her so completely that he deferred his place at Durham. He was prepared to spend a year working and putting his university plans on hold because he thought he had a responsibility to at least be there for her as she planned to have an abortion (she was already planning a gap year anyway) When he offered to go with her, she said she didn't want him there.
Then she eventually admitted the pregnancy wasn't real.

I am furious but I also keep questioning myself because I know I'm seeing this entirely through the eyes of a mum who is incredibly protective of her son.I don't understand the mindset of sleeping with someone who has explicitly told you, before you've even had sex, "I don't want a relationship with you, I only want sex", agreeing that you're okay with that, and then seemingly becoming deeply invested afterwards.I absolutely understand that people can change their minds. I understand that feelings can develop. I understand rejection can hurt.

But surely you cannot respond to rejection by fabricating a pregnancy?And now my son is saying he'll never speak to a girl again. I know as soon as he gets to university he will but it’s just upsetting to see him so down.
I don't want this to turn into "boys good, girls bad". My son is not perfect. He's 18. He can be immature, thoughtless and occasionally a complete idiot as parents we are to blame for that, he has 3 younger brothers and we thought an all boys school would be a good idea. He was unnecessarily harsh in some of those messages and I've told him that. But I don't think he deserves what happened either.

I'm trying to encourage him to take the gap year positively. He has a job he enjoys, some of his friends are taking gap years anyway and he may travel with them. We've also said we'll contact Durham to see if there is anything they can do in regards to reinstating his place for sept 2026 and not 2027 but economics is a popular course there so the chances are unlikely. He says he's now happy with his decision.
I'm just absolutely seething that this whole situation was manufactured because someone couldn't accept that a casual sexual relationship was exactly what my son had told her it was.

Sorry for the long ranting post. Just so confused why anyone would do this. My son was crying and upset. I didn’t really want to see my sons stash of condoms or his “sext” messages but it was the only way he could at least prove that he asked her if she’s on contraception,him telling her that he always uses condoms, told her he doesn’t want a relationship just casual, and her lying about being pregnant then apparently wanting an abortion for a pregnancy that didn’t even exist.

AIBU?

Before they even slept together, my son told her very clearly that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. He said he liked her physically but only wanted sex and wasn't looking for anything more. He gave her a very clear opportunity to say no

So this was verbal? This wasn't in text messages? You only have your DS word for this?

ETA: the fake pregnancy is an utterly shit thing to do BTW and I voted yanbu to be angry that she did that specific thing

Someone that can lie about this can later lie about assault. I just hope he has learnt his lesson with all of this drama.

Did he wear protection?

Your son clearly isn't that immature if he stepped up and was as responsible as you report.

Think you did a good job of bringing him up tbh

iMessages ? That’s text

He says he did and has shown us his stash of condoms. Regardless she has said she lied she’s sorry it’s just because he didn’t respond to her messages.

Well he slept with her so it’s hardly rejection is it. Some people don’t know when they’ve got it or had it good. There are young men and women out there who have been called an ugly c**t by someone they’ve liked at it’s destroyed them. Your Son however did tell her in no uncertain terms that it was just sex and no love involved so he didn’t lead her up the garden path and slam the door in her face
of course YANBU. Also he was prepared to step up and support her through the termination.

I’m shocked he deferred his place at Uni by a year if she wasn’t planning on having the baby anyway.

I feel sorry for both of them. Not many 18 yo girls are going to be cool with just sex, but she shouldn’t have faked a pregnancy.
i would probably teach him to respect women a bit more and remind him that every time he has sex, he is consenting to pregnancy, stis etc and be a bit more careful about getting to know them first, because contraception can and does fail.

Jesus that is a nightmare.

Her behaviour is extreme and verging on criminal with the level of deception.

I don’t know what to say, your DS sounds like he tried to step up which is a positive for him and for you to know about him as a person but she has some serious issues so maybe he needs to work on his boundaries a bit.

These awful characters live amongst us.

It’s very frustrating but consider it a bullet well dodged. Hopefully he can reinstate his 2026 place at Uni, but if not, encourage him to see it as an opportunity with his friends who are also on gap years. I’m so relieved for you that she is not really pregnant!

My husband thinks we need to speak to her parents and the school as she is resitting one of her Alevels during her gap year. DH is part of the parent association but I don’t feel like causing issues for the girl she’s only 18 clearly vulnerable.

We have connection to the girls school as the schools are somewhat connected. As they’re both single sex schools within the same area abs with the same independent school association

Is it just me, or does anyone else think that boys having sex for no other reason than they want sex is a bit sad? Feels a bit Andrew Tate to me.

I always was, I still am. I’ve never connected or had sex for love. I haven’t got a romantic bone in my body. The thought of it makes me shudder. I don’t know why

The girl has low self esteem. She thinks sex=love and she thinks she can make your son love her if she has enough sex with him. She also panicked when he pulled away and tried the only thing she knew to get him to stay with her.

Just because he laid it on the line that he was only sleeping with her because he wanted sex doesn't meant that she believed it.

It's probably not "just you", but you're in the minority. Sex is enjoyable for both men and women, and there is nothing morally or ethically wrong with two consenting adults having sex for no other reason that it's pleasurable.

That is no excuse

No way should you contact the girl’s school. She did an absolutely vile thing to your son but please don’t escalate the issue and make it worse for everyone. Hopefully, she’s learned from this too.

I know. I am not excusing it. I am explaining it. I also suspect that the girl has ADHD - because, if I had been better looking and had boys wanting to sleep with me when I was eighteen I can see myself doing exactly the same thing.

At no point have I said she was right.

My brother’s ex faked a pregnancy when he broke up with her. It was absolutely awful and went on for ages. I’m sorry you’ve had all of this worry. I hope he can make the most of his gap year, I had one and it was brilliant.

Of course he didn't so lesson learned

I can see both sides. She’s a young girl and clearly has low self esteem. I reckon she figured he’d enjoy the sex enough he’d change his mind and want it to develop into something else. Maybe that’s happened for her before, or she just has unrealistic expectations. She obviously massively fucked up faking a pregnancy and shouldn’t have done this.

Your DS was honest and blunt throughout with her, he couldn’t have predicted she’d act this way and the fake pregnancy really is outrageous. Having said that, he shouldn’t have deferred uni for this, I think that’s pretty crazy.

Why have you jumped to the girl has ADHD?

Boys/men wanting sex for its own sake! Only been happening for 1000s years

The whole situation is vomit inducing tbh. He used her as a piece of meat, he doesn't understand safe sex practices . Did he think the condom split or did he risk it? He also needs to learn to step back from vulnerable women and girls rather than have sex with them as they are "easy". Your son's attitude is a major problem and as pp said, Andrew Tate vibes.