AIBU to feel second choice when my mother spends Christmas with her husband?

[CharlieChopadopolis]

My mums husband is muslim so didn't celebrate Christmas at all until he met her. Now he partakes in celebrations but doesn't believe in the meaning behind it.

Every Christmas he works 6am to 6pm and so is out until 7pm but my mum refuses to come to me for christmas because he will be on his own 7pm to 10pm (bedtime). This means I am on my own at my house each year, no other family and can't travel to her as I have pets and the distance is far. She has said she will be round to stay for new year. I found out this is because her husband is away back home during this time.

Aibu to think she puts her husband first and I am merely second choice?

Your Mum won’t leave her husband on Christmas and you won’t leave your pets behind. Sounds like neither of you want to make an effort for each other tbf.

I feel the husband might be a red herring and she might not want to travel if it's as far as you say. I assume you'd have to stay a few days if you can't leave your pets unless it's a dog and you can't bring it for some reason.

More details needed on: distance of travel/time needed to stay, why you can't make alternative arrangements for your pets, and if she visited you before husband entered the scene?

What pets cant be left for a day? Maybe he is controlling?

Are you the only child?

How far apart are you? Is it too far to travel for the day? I wonder if she could visit you and then be back home for when he finishes work (I used to get my mum home for Corrie). Do you have anyone who could look after your pets for you?

Neither her or I drive so visiting for the day wouldnt be an option as there'll be no public transport back and 60 mile distance is too far for a taxi.

They stay (at my seaside location? Regularly throughout the year.

I am an only child.

I've gone to her at Christmas in previous years when I lived a taxi ride away.

I was just miffed because she won't leave him at Christmas for those few hours yet at new year as soon as he confirms he will be away, she's inviting herself over. I feel like a second choice.

Making alternative arrangements for pets is expensive and I've been to her every year for around 15 years. She's never had Christmas at my house.

Someone close to me said her gran gave her a good piece of advice, "if you feel like this, make your own life bigger".

Learn to drive if you can. Make some friends and have orphan Christmas. Make new Christmas traditions. Volunteer. Find some isolated older people and host them. If the seaside isn't working, move closer.

I would tell her she's on her own at new year, then!

It does sound unfair. I can see that you can't leave your pets but she could easily expect her husband to spend the evening on his own. Do you have any friends you could see on Christmas Day?

The seaside is working brilliantly. They take advantage of me living by the sea to get away most weekends.

I think neither of you are unreasonable. You’re prioritising your pets and she’s prioritising being in her own home with her husband. The difficulty you both have is that neither of you drive so going for a few hours isn’t feasible.

You need to widen your network! Make plans to spend Christmas with friends.

Or put the pets in kennels/cattery next year and go away for Christmas. Do something different.

Could you learn to drive?

What time would your Mum need to leave to be home by 7pm?

Could you take the pets with you?

Meet your Mum half way between for lunch?

One or both of you need to make some compromises.

I’d hazard a guess and suggest that your mum made many sacrifices for you in your childhood. It’s time to let her do as she pleases.
If you feel offended that she’s only coming to you for new years because her husband is away then tell her it doesn’t suit you.

I agree with you in that your mum should visit you at Christmas.

But you don't have to agree to all their weekend visits. Next time tell them you're busy and spend time with people who will spend Christmas with you.

Yabu. She's a grown woman who gets to decide what she wants to do at Christmas. And what she doesn't want ro do.

it is totally normal to want to be with your partner for special occasions such as Christmas Day. And there are plenty of people who did not do things, family rituals and so on, until they get married.I don't 'believe in the meaning' behind in a religious sense, but that doesn't mean I'd like my husband to not be with me at Christmas.

Sound like you see them often then. I don’t really see the problem here. Neither of you are willing to go to the other for Christmas, it’s not a simple trip so it’s understandable honestly.

How old are you? Do you have a social life outside your family, if they are staying down most weekends?

That's hard op, in light of your updates that you've been the one making all the effort for many years.

Yes, you could learn to drive but that's you making the effort again. I also don't agree with this mentality of 'it's payback time' for whatever sacrifices she made for you when you were a child (she chose to bring into the world). Ideally you should both be making an effort with each other. Sorry that doesn't seem to be the case, op.

So, you're 2nd choice to her husband - and that's as it should be once the kids are grown up. She's 2nd choice to your pets though.
You really do need to start making a life of your own now you're an adult. Have you tried things like meetup.com?

You could argue that if OP's mum is travelling to see her most weekends, and OP hasn't learned to drive and won't go there, it's OP's mum making the effort.

She's now living her life - as she should. Go live your life....

Have a lovely day with your dogs. You are a grown up
Make new doggie friends now maybe there is another pet owner local you can meet on xmas day

I can see both sides, and if she’d have to stay at yours it could be more than just not being with her husband. Lots of people just like to be in their own home for Christmas. What pets do you have? Could they not go with you to your mums? If you really will have to spend it alone, remember it’s just a day. You can move the celebration to another day, make the most of enjoying it alone, or just ignore it altogether. Maybe use the time to think about how you can make your little world by the sea a little bigger in the year ahead, find some local groups to meet new people xx

Great advice!