AIBU to feel second choice when my mother spends Christmas with her husband?

[CharlieChopadopolis]

My mums husband is muslim so didn't celebrate Christmas at all until he met her. Now he partakes in celebrations but doesn't believe in the meaning behind it.

Every Christmas he works 6am to 6pm and so is out until 7pm but my mum refuses to come to me for christmas because he will be on his own 7pm to 10pm (bedtime). This means I am on my own at my house each year, no other family and can't travel to her as I have pets and the distance is far. She has said she will be round to stay for new year. I found out this is because her husband is away back home during this time.

Aibu to think she puts her husband first and I am merely second choice?

I would make my own traditions. She has her life now. I think now you're an adult she is within her rights to prioritise her husband. You are likewise prioritising your dogs.

Excellent advice.

If they see you most weekends just have your "Christmas" on one of the weekends near the day.

But it probably means something to the mum who'd like to spend some of Christmas Day with her DH.

Yes, exactly. My DH doesn't particularly care about Christmas but I still wouldn't go and visit someone 60 miles away if it meant he was coming home to an empty house after working a 12 hour shift.

Grow up.
Many people that celebrate Christmas don't believe in the meaning behind it..inc me and I have a Christian background.
Your mother is married to this man and chooses him over you..rightfully so.
You are not a child..not tied to her apron strings.

In response to some of the other comments:

Her Mam's husband, who I am assuming is not the OP's father, works 6am - 6pm. Who is going to want to drive 60 miles after that shift?

Yes, her Mam makes an effort to go see her every weekend, maybe because that's the only time the OP is off work is unknown. What is known is that OP won't make pet care arrangements for her pets (yes, I get it's expensive) so maybe the mam feels that she should make that journey every week.

We also don't know her Mam's age/health, so maybe she doesn't feel she can make that 60 mile journey on her own.

Plus as OP stated, there's no public transport available, so the Mam would likely have to travel Christmas Eve to get to the OP, and then travel home again the day after Boxing Day. Or fork out for two taxis on the day, which is a) mad expensive, and b) not guaranteed.

It's also unreasonable to dictate her Mam should leave her husband on his own for the evening when the OP doesn't want to be on their own at all that day, regardless of who celebrates what.

Exactly!

It's quite reasonable that she wants to spend the evening with her husband and prioritise him now that you're an adult. I think you'll need to make alternative arrangements for yourself since you don't drive and you can't leave your pets. You can have a Christmas celebration together on a weekend before or after. Lots of people spend the actual day alone.

So your Mum can travel to you but you cant travel to her?

Well - I think that once adult children have their own homes, it's natural for parents to plan Christmas with their own partners. She has invited you to join her and her husband if you sort out pet care. He would be alone for 3 nights if she travelled to you by train, not just 3 hours.

If they come to you most weekends then Christmas would work out fine this year.
Christmas Day is a bank holiday (Friday) and then the weekend follows.
Could they come down once he finishes work on Friday at 6 and then you will have Christmas Evening together?
It's only an hour and a half away - if you dont drive, could your Mum come and get you on the Thursday night as otherwise she is also spending Christmas day on her own.

Celebrate Christmas a day you can all do OP. You don't want to leave your pets to travel to her and she doesn't want to give up the few hours she'll see her husband on Christmas Day to travel to you. Niether are unreasonable but yabu for being mad about it.

Yes, you are unreasonable. Your mother raised you and you are now suppose to go off and form your own version of family - whether that’s a partner or close friends is up to you. She isn’t obligated to put you first now over her own partner and life.

This is a wonderful point

And additionally, I can see OP why you feel second best, especially if she has never in 15 years come to you because of her husband. You should talk to her about how you feel, regardless of how hard that might be.

And then you need to let go of the result. Even when it's our Mum, maybe especially when it's our Mum, we can't control it and yet ooof it has the power to hurt us.

See if you can make your own life bigger as this poster says, whilst still holding that part of you that is sad tenderly.

I am an only child too. My mum sometimes would receive a better option and not sound time with me. Mums can be strange! (She is now deceased).

Well you are second choice to your mother's partner, that's the natural order of things. If you had a partner you would also prioritise them over your mother. You would be best off thinking about this differently- you are responsible for your own life now.

Someone needs to learn to drive. That sounds facile but it would make a massive difference, not just at Christmas time.

You’re both doing what suits you.

Are you both religious? Does Christmas day have a special meaning for you?
When I divorced I had to split Christmas days with my DC and so had to have Christmas day without them. I soon realised it is just a day. It is a bank holiday yes, no transport, culturally signifcant but it is ultimately just a day. And there are other days for celebration and getting together. Maybe stop fixating on this day as the day she demonstrates love. Does she demonstrate it in other ways? Can you make other Christmas day traditions for yourself?

Learn to drive, get a car, problem solved.

You sound as if you're seething with resentment about all sorts of things.

I can’t see the issue here either. Neither of you want to travel on Christmas. Fair enough. Enjoy it with your pets or find someone else to spend it with. You obviously see plenty of each other anyway so it’s just one day.

Book dinner at a dog friendly pub in the middle & both do a 30 mile trip?

It's an opinion often expressed on here.