AIBU to feel second choice when my mother spends Christmas with her husband?

[CharlieChopadopolis]

My mums husband is muslim so didn't celebrate Christmas at all until he met her. Now he partakes in celebrations but doesn't believe in the meaning behind it.

Every Christmas he works 6am to 6pm and so is out until 7pm but my mum refuses to come to me for christmas because he will be on his own 7pm to 10pm (bedtime). This means I am on my own at my house each year, no other family and can't travel to her as I have pets and the distance is far. She has said she will be round to stay for new year. I found out this is because her husband is away back home during this time.

Aibu to think she puts her husband first and I am merely second choice?

He's her actual husband - of course he's her number one priority, and quite rightly. That's how marriage works, OP.

Celebrate Christmas Day on a different day when you can use public transport - maybe 23rd. Then have a lovely chilled day on 24th - walk on the beach etc and indulge yourself.

Doesn’t sound like OPs mum is making the effort to see her but more she’s making the effort to travel to OPs with her DH because she’s based at a seaside resort. There’s definitely a difference

Why are you alone on Christmas? Where are your friends? It’s maybe time to have more people in your life than your mum…

Christmas means nothing to your mum's husband. He wouldnt care about being alone for the evening. He works most of it anyway.

Id be upset too.

How would your mum get to yours and back home if there's no public transport and neither of you drive?

Can the husband not drive to yours after work on Christmas Day?

Why can’t you take the dog to her house a couple of days before Christmas and stay there? Public transport runs till Xmas Eve and then again from the 27th so you could stay for 3-4 days or something.

If neither of you drive how is your mum going to get to yours and back again on Christmas Day? Wouldn't her trip to you involve at least one overnight stay, that would equate to more than a 'few hours' away from home.

It is more normal for adults to be with their partners, than adult children, if it's a choice of one or the other. I wouldn't be happy if my husband was with a parent instead of me. But the best thing is to get everyone together, as there's no reason why adult kids can't be with an adult couple (and I suppose pets too, as you have some!)

Does her DH drive? Could your mum come to you on Christmas Eve and he could join you both after work on Christmas Day?

What "mentality of 'it's payback time' for whatever sacrifices she made for you when you were a child" are you talking about?

You've just made that up.

Of course she’ll celebrate with him. He’s her husband. As the mantra is on here goes - spouses/partners are your family, not other relatives. I don’t believe in the meaning of Xmas,, so that’s irrelevant. I still celebrate. Celebrate with them when they can or don't. 🙄

As neither of you drive how could she come to you for Christmas Day, even if she was willing to leave her husband on his own? Surely she would need to travel on Christmas Eve and stay until public transport is running again on the 27th December. Does her husband have to work Christmas Day or could you host them both? Could he come over after work and stay for Boxing Day? Could you go to your mum's and take your pet with you? Or get a neighbour to look after it/them? I think it's not really surprising she is prioritising her husband over an adult child but you need to build more of a life centred around yourself.

You could, but it sounds like she might just be doing what suits herself to me. Hard to know from a thread online of course.

Well your mother is second choice to your pets. Your mother is at least prioritising a person.

I was referring to some posters responding to the thread basically saying she did her bit raising you so now she can do what she likes. It was nothing to do with the op's responses.
I don't think you should be making all the effort when you grow up and your mum make none if there's to be a good relationship.

But why shouldn’t you, an adult woman, be DM’s second choice to her husband?
She is perfectly entitled to prefer her festivity in her own home with her husband now, and good for her! She has nothing to apologise for in this, and would surely welcome you if you were there.
It’s not up to her to sacrifice her preferred Christmas just because you won’t leave pets overnight in order to travel to hers.
You evidently resent this marriage enormously, and regard DSF as the block to your complete access to and full attention from your mother.

If you really cannot leave house at all, on account of pets, what do you do all year? You could help with a Christmas Day food drive locally, for example, and be home in time to satisfy their needs.

You say your mum and step father take advantage of your location in order to visit you. (You reckon you’d not see them if you lived somewhere else, do you?)
Probably a good job they do abuse your hospitality just like you describe though, if you are as isolated as you say, and grim negativity is your standard reaction even to any joyous event.

As for your implied suggestion that Christmas is wasted on DSF anyway, given his lack of any Christian belief, I suggest you ponder the average ‘Christian’ person’s attachment to the supposed meaning behind Christmas. Or any facet of Christianity, for that matter.

What are you talking about?

How do you know it means nothing to him? Half the people who do Christmas are not doing it to celebrate the birth of Jesus. It’s still Christmas. I don’t believe in God but I enjoy Christmas as much as the next person.

Who are you to say he ‘won’t care’ if his wife isn’t at home on Christmas Day? We don’t even know if that why the mother doesn’t want to go and stay at the OPs over Christmas. Maybe she just doesn’t want to.

It’s not really her fault you’re alone. Maybe learn to drive if it really bothers you. I don’t want to be rude but she’s an adult. I can’t wait until my kids are all grown so I can scale back Christmas tbh. I’ve done it for too long and I’ve had enough of the expense, the mess, the fuss and the hard work, she probably feels similarly especially if she isn’t Catholic / Christian.

If you don’t like her coming at the weekend (and I can see why you might feel a little used) then put your foot down and say you have plans. But don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

Edited to add: he may fall out with her if she comes to you, I don’t know his personality but I do know many men can be very funny about a lot of things. She may be trying to keep the peace. I’m not saying that’s right but it might be the case.

Can her husband drive to your house after work? I think it is fair enough for her to prioritise her husband now that you are an adult - It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you, just that she is allowed to think about her own wants and needs now too.

It is normal for parents to prioritise their partners when their children are adults.

Just as you feel she's prioritising her husband over you, she probably feels you're prioritising your animals over her.

I agree with the pp who said find another day to celebrate with mum. I really dont think shes doing this as a personal slight against you but i unferstand how it may feel that way.
If your on your own are there some traditions you can do on your own a walk, movies, special food, church etc.
As a side note i dont drive amd i hate that i cant use public transport over christmas. It puts alot of pressure on famalies.

Why wouldn't you be second choice? You're an adult who's moved a ways a way, your mum should be pleasing herself for Christmas just like you do.

It's not like she doesn't come to see when it's mutually convenient.