AIBU to feel second choice when my mother spends Christmas with her husband?

[CharlieChopadopolis]

My mums husband is muslim so didn't celebrate Christmas at all until he met her. Now he partakes in celebrations but doesn't believe in the meaning behind it.

Every Christmas he works 6am to 6pm and so is out until 7pm but my mum refuses to come to me for christmas because he will be on his own 7pm to 10pm (bedtime). This means I am on my own at my house each year, no other family and can't travel to her as I have pets and the distance is far. She has said she will be round to stay for new year. I found out this is because her husband is away back home during this time.

Aibu to think she puts her husband first and I am merely second choice?

Did you read the full thread before you commented? A pp literally said that exact thing…

I’m an atheist. That doesn’t mean Christmas means ‘nothing’ to me. Christmas to me is a mid winter festival, celebrated with my loved ones. Christmas means different things to different people.
Agree with those saying the issue here is that neither of you can drive. But essentially neither of you are willing to budge… her on her DH, you on your pets. So it is what it is.

I don't understand your point as the mother's husband didn't celebrate it at all until he met her and even now he spends most of it working

What is your point?

It genuinely does mean nothing to him.

You're not celebrating christmas by the way.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but I would really say that his is a consequence of getting pets more than anything. I don't think she's being unreasonable to not want to leave her husband on his own. You will have known when choosing to take on pets that it would limit your flexibility to travel.

Yes I am ☺️

If you're 15 then unreasonable, if you're an adult then no not unreasonable.

You can’t expect her to leave her husband alone if she values Christmas Day. I’ve done similar when family has been on about going to theirs but my DH has an early shift so is home for 6pm on the day. Coming to yours ‘most weekends’ because you live by the sea strikes me as a massive pisstake, tho, I think I’d kick back on that.

My brother’s wife didn’t celebrate Christmas at all until she met my brother, she’s a Buddhist.

She also often works over Christmas (doctor) but now she’s married to my brother she celebrates Christmas. She loves my brother and she loves to be a part of his culture and the traditions that he enjoys.

When you marry someone you don’t say ‘well actually, we don’t have Guy Fawkes in Australia so I’ve never been to a bonfire so I’ll just stay in and watch Bargain Hunt while you are at the fireworks.’ You join in because you love the person you chose to marry, you are interested in them and what they do.

It's August. Can we hold off on the annual atheist bashing until October?

You're not celebrating christmas by the way FFS. If he's your Lord and Saviour, at least capitalise the poor bloke. Christmas. No respect.

I'm not a Christian, yet culturally Christmas is a thing. I'm not sure what his religion has to do with it. You don't mention being a churchgoer yourself.

If they visit you most weekends, I would suggest that you need to find your own groove in life, one that doesn't involve your mum and her husband.

That might involve learning to drive, that would certainly widen your social scope, or it might mean looking more locally for interactions that develop so that you're not free all the time and your social life pivots around your mum's availability.

Erm, maybe in your marriage but my number one priority is DC, and so is my husband’s. I happen to think THAT is quite right and I am sure many would agree.

That said, I think both mother and daughter in this case are failing to prioritise each other. Surely they could split the cost of a taxi so that the mother could leave in time to be home for her husband’s arrival. Especially if that is cheaper than putting the pets into a kennel or whatever is needed.

Can you volunteer somewhere on Christmas Day? Some churches and organizations serve lunches to the homeless.

You and your mum are prioritising different things - you the dogs and she her partner.

Is your mum second best to the dogs? 😀

Well this sounds awfully judgmental!

Your mum is choosing her husband over her adult child on Xmas day. I actually think that’s okay really?

I understand why you feel hurt but in your position I would:

• accept that is the way it is re Xmas and make alternative plans. Volunteering is a good way to spend the day if there are no friends you could spend it with
• learn to drive (always a good idea for independence)
• tell mum no where it is not convenient for you / where you feel taken advantage of. I’d be very tempted to make alternative plans for NYE. Also try to find social activities and through this new friends in your area. If this means your mum can’t come over as many weekends as she wants, tough.

Adult children should not expect to take precedence over a spouse.

Does that mean you never go anywhere?

What did you do with the pets the last time you went away?

If you can’t see your mum, why don’t you spend Christmas with friends?

So they visit you regularly...which you choose to see as using you ...but you are miffed because of one day?? You sound spoiled and entitled. Her priority should be her husband.

Oh get off the stage, about Christmas.
You know very well that it is every bit as important a cultural festival as a religious one (and probably much more so, in fact).

Devout Christians need not feel ‘hijacked’ in this at all, given the exhausted argument one could make for returning the damn date to its erstwhile significance!
No; a sane person will of course prefer that we all, severally or individually, enjoy the deep mid-winter in any way important to us, because it’s the shared love of the festival which is the famous magic element, whether it’s annual awe re a saviour’s birth, or the rebirth of the sun, or the crackers, port, and the King’s speech after a great meal: whatever we get up to, alone or in good company, it’s a chance to tune in to a deep vein of common enterprise reaching back to a tiny dot in time.
Any decent Lord and Saviour would be on board with that.

You posted the same thing last year - have you really not found a resolution yet?

Great advice. Well said your Gran 💪

So Learn to drive you can't be fully independent otherwise !! it's a basic requirement like cooking and running a House, typing and being financially astute

To be fair. Most people wouldn't leave a spouse at Xmas . I understand you're disappointed but I think you're being unfair .

You're a grown up, and this isn't an emergency. She's allowed to choose her husband. She will (I assume) be on her own most of the day too, but would prefer that over travelling in the Christmas rush. I can't say I blame her! Nothing against you I just think Xmas eve travel sounds awful.

Well of course you are. He's her husband. You're her adult child who has grown up and left home. It's not insulting to be second. Its normal. What do the rest of your family do? Dad? Siblings? Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents? Do you have a best friend? Could you help out at a community project/charity kitchen? As an alternative to being alone, I mean. I genuinely think there's a great community spirit at these things.