Family fall out over ‘baby shower’

[Neverendingsummer26]

I’m pregnant with my first child and due next month. My mum & sister were really keen to throw me a baby shower but it wasn’t something I wanted so I politely declined their offer. I know they were really disappointed but nothing more was said about it.

My birthday is also next month so a couple of weekends ago I organised a dinner with all my friends as probably unlikely I will be able to celebrate this year.

I had absolutely no prior knowledge of this but my friends decided to turn my bday dinner into a bit of a baby shower with decorations and a few games and then a few of them put photos all over social media (I’m not on it myself). My sister saw the posts and she & my mum are absolutely livid with me, saying I’ve deliberately excluded them and always prioritise my friends over family.

Since then I’ve not heard anything from my sister although I have found out that she is now going on a work trip the week of my due date which I know she’d previously said no to as she didn’t want to miss meeting my baby.

I obviously appreciate that it could look like I did leave them out but I honestly had no idea what my friends were planning and I’m actually starting to get really annoyed that my last month of pregnancy is being over shadowed by this. AIBU to think I did nothing wrong and my mum & sister need to move on now ? After it all kicked off initially I said they could organise me a family one for the 3 of us but they didn’t want to

I’d be annoyed at your friends. Surely they knew you’d said no to a baby shower, but they went ahead anyway, excluding your mum and sister. And to make it worse, posted about it on social media.

OMG. Gold!

This feels very judgemental. Do you judge your sister for living where she grew up and near your parents? Do you feel more middle class than them because of this and your love of fine wine over Temu tat?

They offered to do something really kind for you, it’s ok that it’s not your bag but you must realise that would look like rejection to them. Did you offer a meal instead? Or are they supposed to just pop round for visits after whilst your friends get the evenings out and fun stuff?

I can see why they’re hurt. I think you’re taking them for granted without realising it. Believe me, once your baby comes along, you’ll be wanting your family more than ever.

They need to move on now though and stop with the silent treatment. Perhaps arrange a meal or something to break the ice.

'i must have known my birthday would be used as a chance to get together'

'not really, but thank you for being so pleased for me that I have such a good group of supportive friends'

They sound batshit the pair of them

Mmm while agree it's not nice for them to have taken such offence, the fact that they said ‘you always put friends before family’ makes it sound like maybe this isn’t a one off?

obvs not specifically with a baby shower (before the MN cats pounce) but that sounds like this goes deeper and the baby shower was the catalyst.

Also, as much as they’re getting a bashing here, it sounds like they really wanted to do something nice for you at such a special time, not only for you becoming a mum, but they’re becoming a grandparent and auntie too. In my experience, once the fanfare of a baby shower dies down, they’ll probably be a greater source of support than many of your friends in the long run.

I suspect that OP never told the friends she didn't want a baby shower. If she asks them to do this, she will have to explain why her mum and sister are upset, which in turn will mean telling the friends they organised something OP didn't want, which will cause offence all round.

Of course plenty of restaurants allow this. I see it all the time.

I cannot fathom anyone getting het up over a baby shower, but that's mainly because I think they're ridiculous anyway. I do think your DM and DS are being wholly unreasonable, if you've explained to them it was a surprise (I'm not sure that's clear from the OP).

I do also agree that your friends were unreasonable. I feel close friends should be well aware of whether you're a baby shower person or not and to do it anyway either shows they don't know you or they're as selfish as your family.

And as another December baby I wholeheartedly agree with the PP on hijacking a birthday celebration with something else.

I think its pretty shotty of your friends to have done that without extending the invite to them. I can't believe none of them mentioned it to their own mums who might have pointed out the importance of an even like that to family.

Damage is done though. I think you really need to see it from their point of view instead of yours. You see yourself as a victim caught in the cross fire whereas these family members were really excited, wanted to make a fuss of you, have tried to been supportive by making sure they are around at the birth and regardless of whose fault it was, they've been excluded from a special event that was important to them, even if it wasn't to you. And tbh, I expect if they'd just planned a surprise baby shower you'd not have been best pleased with them but when your friends do it, you roll with it, so their reward for respecting your wishes and treating you with respect is what exactly? Not your fault but can you see why they're upset? They can't replicate it, can they?

So I'd start by thinking how they feel and just genuinely extending an olive branch. Go round to your mum and talk about it. Empathise. Maybe ask her and your sister to do a special baby thing. Buy a handprint kit and suggest you do family handprints or something when baby arrives.

Perhaps a selfish and controlling family?

And tbh given it was the last birthday meal before your baby and it was a big one, and you didnt want a Temu Tat party, you should have invited your mum and sister for the meal and said it was very much a birthday do but as you aren't having a shower, you wanted all your favourite girls together.

Well I think it’s safe to say your mum and sister probably won’t come and see you or baby any time soon

This kind of thing properly grinds my gears. Why can't people just accept that others have a different view or opinion to them instead of steam rollering over everything with their own selfishness, disguised as 'doing something nice'.
It's only nice if the person wants it!

Eg the pp who thinks it's weird that family isn't invited to birthday celebrations with friends...not everyone is the same as you! Everyone's relationships with their families are different.

This is really good, I would send this.

Why? Not everybody goes in for all that crap.

OK, in this case it sounds like it's come from a place of naivety possibly ignorance. I'm getting a vibe that your mum and sister are drama queens though so I'm surprised your mates didn't think about that. I was the first out of my friends to have a baby (18 years ago mind) but they still had the emotional intelligence and piece of mind to communicate with my mum and sister about involving them in the event.

I get the feeling from OP's "my sister lives round the courner to my parents and sees them all the time whereas I moved away" that OP may not even live in the same town as the two Offended Ones; and in any case why would her friends want to include her family in the friendship group's birthday party for her? Do they even know her sister, let alone her mother? I literally cannot think of a single party with my friends after I had left home to which I (or they) invited my mother! (And if they had she would have smiled kindly, said it was very sweet of them to think of her, and had a prior engagement that evening.)

Is this part of the notion of a mother having to be her daughter's best friend rather than her mother? I always found that misguided at best and creepy at worst, and thanked the Lord my mother didn't subscribe to it. My friends whose mothers were that way inclined tended to have moved to the other side or end of the country to get out from under their smother.

OP arrived at the meal venue and the 'friends' had turned it into a shower.
How on earth was the poor woman supposed to deal with it? Walk out?
This lady has done nothing wrong.

Some of these responses are so weird! Does everyone really invite all their family to everything?? My mother and sister have not once come to a birthday meal. My sister and I went to each others hen dos but if her friends threw her a baby shower and didn't invite me I wouldn't mind in the slightest.

Why did your friends exclude your family from the baby shower they obviously fully planned out, if there were even games. It seems purposeful....

The same reason any friendship group doesn't include everyone's family in everything they do as friends, I expect. It never occurred to them either that they should, or that the OP's mother would be in the least interested in being at a party for people all of whom were young enough to be her daughter and were not her friends.

They didn't invite her dad either, or any of her cousins of either sex, or come to that the neighbours at the house where she no longer lives. Because it was not appropriate for them to do so.

My best friend can get quite carried away and sometimes just doesn’t think which is what’s happened here.

Thinking about it, I know my sister was a bit irritated with my best friend around my hen as my sister did all the organizing & admin for it (with a very young baby) and then my BF sort of took over on the actual weekend so I wonder if my sister’s reaction is linked to that.

Maybe explain to your friends whats happened and they might be able to send you screenshots of their conversations organising the suprise?
If mum and sister still have the hump after that then fuck it.

Of course it is. Your sister is thinking that she's just going to get pushed out again, so why waste time off work. She's probably taking the hint, that actually, you'd rather have your friend in charge or around, rather than her.