Family fall out over ‘baby shower’

[Neverendingsummer26]

I’m pregnant with my first child and due next month. My mum & sister were really keen to throw me a baby shower but it wasn’t something I wanted so I politely declined their offer. I know they were really disappointed but nothing more was said about it.

My birthday is also next month so a couple of weekends ago I organised a dinner with all my friends as probably unlikely I will be able to celebrate this year.

I had absolutely no prior knowledge of this but my friends decided to turn my bday dinner into a bit of a baby shower with decorations and a few games and then a few of them put photos all over social media (I’m not on it myself). My sister saw the posts and she & my mum are absolutely livid with me, saying I’ve deliberately excluded them and always prioritise my friends over family.

Since then I’ve not heard anything from my sister although I have found out that she is now going on a work trip the week of my due date which I know she’d previously said no to as she didn’t want to miss meeting my baby.

I obviously appreciate that it could look like I did leave them out but I honestly had no idea what my friends were planning and I’m actually starting to get really annoyed that my last month of pregnancy is being over shadowed by this. AIBU to think I did nothing wrong and my mum & sister need to move on now ? After it all kicked off initially I said they could organise me a family one for the 3 of us but they didn’t want to

Your friends should have invited them. It's not your fault they didn't but you could have some understanding of how they feel they've been cut out.

Is there anybody in the group that hijacked your meal reasonably intelligent and eloquent?
If so ask her to contact your Mother - ideally in person - and explain that you had nothing to do with the shenanigens. And if she (Mum) wants to have a go at anybody pick her (the friend).
Though I must say, it's a bit rum that your Mother and Sister don't believe you.
I wish you luck.

I think your friends overstepped a little. Maybe do something low key with your mum and sister.

Op I think you didn’t do anything wrong per se

Of course she didn't, there's no 'per se,' about it! She turned up to her birthday dinner to find her friends had turned it into a baby shower! Her own mother and sister have decided to believe that she deliberately excluded them, rather than having this sprung on her. They are choosing to give OP grief when she's heavily pregnant and could probably do without the stress. They could, and should IMO, keep their disappointment private.

Im assuming you told them that you didn’t know about it. What did they say? did they not believe you??

Sorry been in meetings all afternoon so just catching up now.

To answer a few questions, I did say to my Mum & Sister that I’d had no idea what my friends were planning but they said I must have known by birthday get together would be used as a chance to celebrate the baby. It genuinely didn’t cross my mind.

I hadn’t said to my friends I didn’t want one as it never came up in conversation!!

Re my mum & sister thinking I prioritise my friends - there is no huge back story really but my sister lives round the courner to my parents and sees them all the time whereas I moved away so it’s just a different dynamic. I do really value my friends and see them all the time (and yes more than my family but surely this is normal). My sister doesn’t really have a group of friends like that so she doesn’t really get it and sees it as being disloyal if I choose to spend time with my friends over a family get together.

If your sister doesn’t have friends like this then it does make sense that her feelings have been hurt. She offered to host and yet didn’t get to go. It’s not your fault but it’s understandable that she feels hurt

I avoid baby showers and other such events like the plague, so I might be very wrong here.

But wouldn't it be the norm for someone organising a baby shower for their mate to invite people close to their mate, like their mum and sister?

In your position, it's the friend I'd be annoyed with.

I cannot imagine anyone getting so worked up over a baby shower which isn't even really a baby shower. Your sister sounds way to invested in family drama and a bit of a shit stirrer to be honest. I would say you have a normal attitude to things.
I wouldn't be bothered she was away on your due date though. She's not delivering the baby!

Congratulations BTW.
You "must have known" your friends would turn the event into a baby shower?
There's such a thing as a surprise. They are effectively accusing you of lying when you have no reason to lie. That's on them.

I also don't understand all the pps saying it was a shitty thing for your friends to do without inviting DM and Sis. The friends may not really know the Mum and Sis.. why would they be top of the invite list. They were all meeting for a local friends dinner.

Prioritising your friends over your Mum and Sis? Again, completely normal.
You see you friends, you also see your Mum and Sis.. why are they weighing and measuring this?
They both sound needy and controlling. What they are doing is prioritising themselves over your health and wellbeing in last stages of pregnancy. I find that quite shocking actually. Are they going to say the same when your baby arrives, because the answer will be "YES! I am prioritising my baby over you two!"

Dont let this get to you. Your priority now is to rest and relax and prepare for the birth. Ignore their performance for the utter nonsense that it is. I cannot imagine treating a DC like this in their first pregnancy. Your friends were having dinner with you and brought along some nice things for the baby... I'd be delighted for one of my DC if they had friends kind enough to do that!. Not jealous and resentful and "livid" .. also Disloyalty because you spend time with friends... your sister needs to get out more.

Spend your time with people who treat you well. This will all seem like a storm in a teacup when you have your lovely baby to cuddle. But use this "strop" time as a chance to set some boundaries as it sounds like they like to boss you around.

Yes so she should just leave them to it now.

100%

This is why I’m not a fan of ‘surprises’. People mean well, but perhaps fail to consider how patronising and thoughtless it can be to spring things on people when they obvs don’t know everything that’s going on in their life or how much stress it could cause them.

But, at the end of the day, IMHO anyone who loves her, should never behave in a way that causes stress and anxiety to a heavily pregnant women. Even if they feel rightly affronted by something she’s done. It’s the basics of humanism and feminism. And OP’s family were wrongly affronted, because she didn’t exclude them from her baby shower, as she was oblivious to it being planned and didn’t want it!

OP, your sister hasn’t behaved in a loving way. She’s likely got all sorts of issues going on there. But you shouldn’t be worrying about it. It’s not for you to fix. Let it go. Focus on your and your baby’s well-being and surround yourself with people who are being considerate and supportive.

Try to see the (dark) humour in strops about baby showers (performative) while ignoring the needs of the real mother and baby. What has commercialism done to us?

You did nothing wrong. But I think it is a shame you refused the initial shower from your mum and sister.

I’d send one short message along the lines of ‘ I have been very clear that I knew nothing about their plans and it is extremely hurtful for you to suggest that I did and am lying about it. My last few weeks of pregnancy should be calm, so if you can’t accept this was not a snub to you I will keep my distance for a while.’

I agree with pp that your sister is stirring things and she’s probably egging your mum on. Your mum might want to think hard about whether she’s going to be welcome at yours if this unpleasantness carries on.

Good post. Good message. Good approach.

Like it.

Yes, this! Just say ‘Come on, X and Y, I didn’t know this birthday dinner was going to involve some baby shower games’ and move on as usual. I can’t see anyone actually thinking that their sister should refuse to go on a work trip in case they miss their sister giving birth.

I mean I don't want to be classically mumsnet but some people think baby showers are a bit tacky or think the baby should be celebrated when they are safely here or just don't want to be the centre of attention. I actually think a birthday dinner, which people were attending anyway,with some baby shower elements is quite different. OP was hardly going to storm out of it was she!

why? she didn't want one. Honestly I know I have no kids myself but the batshit way some families behave when someone in the family is expecting really makes me roll my eyes at times....needing to meet the baby NOW, needing to visti IMMEDIATELY...needing to be the first one to hold the baby...the endless trauma over who gets told what first...and now the apparently soul searing hurt because the OP refused a baby shower from her mother because she didn't want one at all and her friends surprised her with one. I mean People! get a flaming grip....its a baby, not the Second Coming.

As you were. I feel better now.

"I understand that it would have been a shock for you to see those photos, and that you were hurt. But I was just as shocked when my birthday meal was turned into a baby shower (which I didn't want) and I'm hurt that you don't believe me.
I really don't want the lead up to the birth of your grandchild/nibling to be spoiled by this misunderstanding, so can we please get past this? There's no way I'd have allowed that shower had I known they were planning it"

My daughter was very clear that she didn't want a baby shower. I wasn't remotely disappointed. I admired her for it.

It does seem you prioritise your friends over your family. You organised the meal with your friends early so it seems to your Mum and sister you had prioritised your friends again. Your sister saw the pictures on social media before you told them what has happened. When did you tell them? Did you wait for your sister to contact you? I understand why they may have been hurt and felt excluded. Did you plan anything with your Mum and sister to celebrate your birthday in advance or was it just your friends who were considered?
Your friends were thoughtless not to at least contact family members to see if they would have liked to be included or at least contacted them to see if they were aware of anything else bring planned.

I have a separate birthday meal with my girlfriends away from DP every year, it’s not odd.