Family fall out over ‘baby shower’

[Neverendingsummer26]

I’m pregnant with my first child and due next month. My mum & sister were really keen to throw me a baby shower but it wasn’t something I wanted so I politely declined their offer. I know they were really disappointed but nothing more was said about it.

My birthday is also next month so a couple of weekends ago I organised a dinner with all my friends as probably unlikely I will be able to celebrate this year.

I had absolutely no prior knowledge of this but my friends decided to turn my bday dinner into a bit of a baby shower with decorations and a few games and then a few of them put photos all over social media (I’m not on it myself). My sister saw the posts and she & my mum are absolutely livid with me, saying I’ve deliberately excluded them and always prioritise my friends over family.

Since then I’ve not heard anything from my sister although I have found out that she is now going on a work trip the week of my due date which I know she’d previously said no to as she didn’t want to miss meeting my baby.

I obviously appreciate that it could look like I did leave them out but I honestly had no idea what my friends were planning and I’m actually starting to get really annoyed that my last month of pregnancy is being over shadowed by this. AIBU to think I did nothing wrong and my mum & sister need to move on now ? After it all kicked off initially I said they could organise me a family one for the 3 of us but they didn’t want to

Your friends organised a Baby Shower … didn’t tell you, and didn’t invite your Mum and Sister - that was a fairly shitty thing for them to do.

I can understand why they are upset, but upset at the wrong people, all you can be is 100% honest.

I think your friends were quite wrong to do this .
They changed your birthday dinner that you organised .
They threw a shower without being certain the mum to be wanted it , considering how contentious baby showers are this was a massive gamble .
Then to add insult to injury they didn’t even invite your mum and sister !

Op can you tell us what your mother and sister are usually like? Is this out of character or do they have form for this?

They are being extremely unreasonable, and I suspect you know this. At a time when you are vulnerable and expecting your first child they choose to make this all about them. Your sister in particular is being really unkind. Going out of her way to be overseas when your baby is born is shocking behaviour.

I would look to put some boundaries around yourself and your baby going forward, this doesn't bode well. You have your own priorities now.

I had a similar event with a friends surprise baby shower.

Your mum and sister are being very manipulative, and need to recognise their behaviour.

They need to say how they feel once and move on

Your friends organised a baby shower but didn’t contact or invite your mum or sister? That’s really poor. Have you spoken to your friends about how shitty that was?

Anyone who organises a baby shower for someone invites the mum and female siblings. That was a shit thing they did, and you should have warned your mum and sister after it happened or told your friends not to post on social media.

You haven’t done anything wrong, but your friends really did. Your mum and sister will feel like they really don’t mean much to you - you wouldn’t let them celebrate the baby coming then your friends didn’t even think to invite them.

I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle, it’s not really your fault. But your friends actually owe your mum and sister an apology.

Were your friends aware that you'd requested no baby shower?

They are the arses in this situation as it's pretty clear you didn't want a baby shower at all.

Your mum and sister are understandably butt hurt because yeah, it does look like you're happy to have one with the friends but not them. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A SURPRISE, that is how it feels to them.

It isn't fair to you that they've not taken on board the fact that you knew nothing about it.

Your friends who arranged the surprise baby shower need to be the ones to contact your mum and sister to explain. It's a bit shitty that they didn't think of your mum and sister if they were planning a baby shower situation anyway.

I had (still have!) a friend who was clear about not wanting a baby shower as she was very against any presents or celebrating until the baby was safely here as it was a medically challenging pregnancy and she was very worried that all would not be well due to her health. (Everything was fine). She told us AFTER we'd identified a date for a surprise baby shower so we just kept it as a BBQ at one of our homes, no games and no gifts but a lovely bank holiday monday in the garden with mates, partners and kids.

You need to get a handle on making sure your family and friends know your wishes about this kind of thing going forward. It's really easy for close friend groups to only think of their mate as their mate but baby showers get fuzzy because there's also this focus on a baby who will be part of a wider family and when people are excluded, they will feel hurt.

Also - on a different note. It is shitty AF to turn YOUR birthday meal into a baby shower. YOUR BIRTHDAY is a day to celebrate you not you in your role as baby carrier but you as a complete human being. As a December birthday who has a gutsful of the Christmas and Birthday crossover hell I will not be backing down from this. Birthdays are just for birthdays, they are not smushing two things into one.

These naff American ideas such as gender reveals and baby showers are adding drama where none needs to be added.

Just tell your mum that you didn't want it and didn’t know.

Ask a couple of your friends to contact your mum and sister and explain that they are sorry it has caused family problems but they organised it without you knowing anything about it.

Your friends were thoughtless. They decided to turn your birthday dinner (I also wouldn’t have been happy with that!) into a baby shower but gave no thought as to how your family would feel. Having said that, a wee message to your mum and sister explaining that this and that you had no idea should suffice. I’d be hurt but I’d get over it with an explanation. Not your fault but blame does lie with your friends.

But it was a surprise! What was she supposed to say? "I am not doing this because my mum won't like it"? As for the "meeting the baby thing" she needs to get a grip. The babay won't vanish or be less shiny because she sees them after other people have.
Are they always so controlling? I mean yes the OP ended up getting a baby shower that someone else organised because someone else surprised the OP. I mean yes I could get them feeling hurt but not her doing, not her fault and they need a joint head wobble.

I think you mean that her friends didn't consider her mother's and sister's feelings – or hers, since they didn't bother to ask her if she wanted a baby shower. She was given precious little choice in the matter, which was sprung on her in spite of her not wanting one. She also didn't broadcast pictures of it all over social media.

You've done nothing wrong. It was a surprise.

You said loud and clear that you don’t want a baby shower and your immature friends went ahead anyway.
Nobody has the right to be upset except you.

It is indeed her friends' fault. They are the ones who high-handedly arranged a surprise for someone and ever-so-thoughtfully did something "for" her that she absolutely did not want, and which has badly upset her family. They have caused a family falling out with their easy assumptions.

It is possible to do something wrong without meaning to cause harm; the road to Hell is paved that way. That you "meant no harm" doesn't magically mean harm didn't happen.

They added on some baby related stuff at the end of a dinner for friends?

No they didn't, they decided to turn OPs birthday meal into a baby shower even though she had said she didn't want one, and didn't consider inviting any of her family members who may have wanted to attend, pretty shitty of her friends IMO.

I do think the timing of the 'birthday dinner' is suspicious, it's not your birthday for weeks yet, so no wonder they think it was all orchestrated behind their backs after telling them you didn't want one with them. And the fact that you never mentioned it after and let them find out themselves via social media, lends even more weight to the fact that it was something you were intentionally covering up. Then you added salt to the wound by saying they could now hold one for you now if they wanted to?!

There seems to be much more to this story than is being let on.

They may not believe that she played no part in it.

Well I’m a bit torn really.

They were disappointed you didn’t want them to organise one, so I can see they’d be disappointed that one was thrown for you (albeit a surprise to you)

Very poor of your friends not invite your mum and sister, there’s no excuse such as it was friends only for this.

However your mum and sister have reacted very badly and gone too far with it. But I’m interested to know why they think you always prioritise friends because this suggests something else has happened previously.

If she has explained in a way that was believable, no. If she uttered what sounded like a string of excuses, I would probably be very upset with her both for leaving me out and for then lying about it. The latter being worse than the former, on the whole.

I can see that this would be very hurtful to your sister in particular. I don’t think anyone meant harm but harm has been done.