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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family fall out over ‘baby shower’

190 replies

Neverendingsummer26 · 25/08/2026 14:30

I’m pregnant with my first child and due next month. My mum & sister were really keen to throw me a baby shower but it wasn’t something I wanted so I politely declined their offer. I know they were really disappointed but nothing more was said about it.

My birthday is also next month so a couple of weekends ago I organised a dinner with all my friends as probably unlikely I will be able to celebrate this year.

I had absolutely no prior knowledge of this but my friends decided to turn my bday dinner into a bit of a baby shower with decorations and a few games and then a few of them put photos all over social media (I’m not on it myself). My sister saw the posts and she & my mum are absolutely livid with me, saying I’ve deliberately excluded them and always prioritise my friends over family.

Since then I’ve not heard anything from my sister although I have found out that she is now going on a work trip the week of my due date which I know she’d previously said no to as she didn’t want to miss meeting my baby.

I obviously appreciate that it could look like I did leave them out but I honestly had no idea what my friends were planning and I’m actually starting to get really annoyed that my last month of pregnancy is being over shadowed by this. AIBU to think I did nothing wrong and my mum & sister need to move on now ? After it all kicked off initially I said they could organise me a family one for the 3 of us but they didn’t want to

OP posts:
TheBirdintheCave · 25/08/2026 23:11

MajorProcrastination · 25/08/2026 16:04

Were your friends aware that you'd requested no baby shower?

They are the arses in this situation as it's pretty clear you didn't want a baby shower at all.

Your mum and sister are understandably butt hurt because yeah, it does look like you're happy to have one with the friends but not them. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A SURPRISE, that is how it feels to them.

It isn't fair to you that they've not taken on board the fact that you knew nothing about it.

Your friends who arranged the surprise baby shower need to be the ones to contact your mum and sister to explain. It's a bit shitty that they didn't think of your mum and sister if they were planning a baby shower situation anyway.

I had (still have!) a friend who was clear about not wanting a baby shower as she was very against any presents or celebrating until the baby was safely here as it was a medically challenging pregnancy and she was very worried that all would not be well due to her health. (Everything was fine). She told us AFTER we'd identified a date for a surprise baby shower so we just kept it as a BBQ at one of our homes, no games and no gifts but a lovely bank holiday monday in the garden with mates, partners and kids.

You need to get a handle on making sure your family and friends know your wishes about this kind of thing going forward. It's really easy for close friend groups to only think of their mate as their mate but baby showers get fuzzy because there's also this focus on a baby who will be part of a wider family and when people are excluded, they will feel hurt.

Also - on a different note. It is shitty AF to turn YOUR birthday meal into a baby shower. YOUR BIRTHDAY is a day to celebrate you not you in your role as baby carrier but you as a complete human being. As a December birthday who has a gutsful of the Christmas and Birthday crossover hell I will not be backing down from this. Birthdays are just for birthdays, they are not smushing two things into one.

Yes! Exactly what I thought.

MyLimeGuide · 25/08/2026 23:18

But why if they wanted to arrange a baby shower for you and you said no would you then exclude them from your birthday celebrations?

MyLimeGuide · 25/08/2026 23:21

Neverendingsummer26 · 25/08/2026 19:20

Sorry been in meetings all afternoon so just catching up now.

To answer a few questions, I did say to my Mum & Sister that I’d had no idea what my friends were planning but they said I must have known by birthday get together would be used as a chance to celebrate the baby. It genuinely didn’t cross my mind.

I hadn’t said to my friends I didn’t want one as it never came up in conversation!!

Re my mum & sister thinking I prioritise my friends - there is no huge back story really but my sister lives round the courner to my parents and sees them all the time whereas I moved away so it’s just a different dynamic. I do really value my friends and see them all the time (and yes more than my family but surely this is normal). My sister doesn’t really have a group of friends like that so she doesn’t really get it and sees it as being disloyal if I choose to spend time with my friends over a family get together.

I would say definitely not normal to value friends over family. You are clearly jealous of your sister, IMO YABU.

Mathair2 · 25/08/2026 23:52

MyLimeGuide · 25/08/2026 23:18

But why if they wanted to arrange a baby shower for you and you said no would you then exclude them from your birthday celebrations?

She was going for a birthday meal with her friends!? Why would she invite her sister and mother to that???

Nailapp · Yesterday 05:59

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pictoosh · Yesterday 06:38

MyLimeGuide · 25/08/2026 23:21

I would say definitely not normal to value friends over family. You are clearly jealous of your sister, IMO YABU.

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You're fantasising.

user1471460024 · Yesterday 06:43

Neverendingsummer26 · 25/08/2026 19:20

Sorry been in meetings all afternoon so just catching up now.

To answer a few questions, I did say to my Mum & Sister that I’d had no idea what my friends were planning but they said I must have known by birthday get together would be used as a chance to celebrate the baby. It genuinely didn’t cross my mind.

I hadn’t said to my friends I didn’t want one as it never came up in conversation!!

Re my mum & sister thinking I prioritise my friends - there is no huge back story really but my sister lives round the courner to my parents and sees them all the time whereas I moved away so it’s just a different dynamic. I do really value my friends and see them all the time (and yes more than my family but surely this is normal). My sister doesn’t really have a group of friends like that so she doesn’t really get it and sees it as being disloyal if I choose to spend time with my friends over a family get together.

I'm with your mum and sister on this. I feel you have been disloyal to your own family. Hopefully in time they might move on, but I know they will be talking about your behaviour for years to come and never fully trust you again.

Ohdearnotthisagain · Yesterday 06:47

user1471460024 · Yesterday 06:43

I'm with your mum and sister on this. I feel you have been disloyal to your own family. Hopefully in time they might move on, but I know they will be talking about your behaviour for years to come and never fully trust you again.

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I actually snorted with laughter after reading this one!

Anotherrollpleasesally · Yesterday 06:48

You

thepariscrimefiles · Yesterday 06:49

MyLimeGuide · 25/08/2026 23:21

I would say definitely not normal to value friends over family. You are clearly jealous of your sister, IMO YABU.

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What a weird thing to say! It sounds as though OP has a good social life with lots of friends, unlike her sister who seems to only socialise with family members, particularly their mum. Her life sounds much duller and more limited than OP's and her sister's and mum's reaction is childish and pathetic.

thepariscrimefiles · Yesterday 06:56

user1471460024 · Yesterday 06:43

I'm with your mum and sister on this. I feel you have been disloyal to your own family. Hopefully in time they might move on, but I know they will be talking about your behaviour for years to come and never fully trust you again.

Show quote history

Is this a joke? Their lives must be very small and limited if they will be talking about not being invited to the hen do by OP which she didn't even know about for years to come.

How is it a trust issue? Do you expect OP to be psychic? Or do you think that OP is lying and that she knew about the baby shower in advance and deliberately kept it from her mum and sister?

OP's mum and sister will be the losers here if they take your advice. OP's mum won't have a relationship with her grandchild and, to be honest, it would serve her right.

Nailapp · Yesterday 06:56

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user1492757084 · Yesterday 07:01

Explain in person to your DM and DSIS..

Make sure you allow your family to meet the baby before any friends.
Weird that they would post about your birthday on the internet. Very rude.

IStillHearTheWaves · Yesterday 07:18

saraclara · 25/08/2026 21:20

"I understand that it would have been a shock for you to see those photos, and that you were hurt. But I was just as shocked when my birthday meal was turned into a baby shower (which I didn't want) and I'm hurt that you don't believe me.
I really don't want the lead up to the birth of your grandchild/nibling to be spoiled by this misunderstanding, so can we please get past this? There's no way I'd have allowed that shower had I known they were planning it"

A shock? She didn't bloody elope! I wouldnt pander to then in this way!

thepariscrimefiles · Yesterday 07:30

user1492757084 · Yesterday 07:01

Explain in person to your DM and DSIS..

Make sure you allow your family to meet the baby before any friends.
Weird that they would post about your birthday on the internet. Very rude.

Why is it weird for OP's friends to post on social media? Many people post stuff about celebratory events that they have attended.

None of this is OP's fault. If her mum and sister are still refusing to speak to OP when her baby is born, is she supposed to tell her friends that they can't visit her because she needs to wait for her mum and sister to stop sulking? OP has already said that her sister will now be away when her baby is born;

'Since then I’ve not heard anything from my sister although I have found out that she is now going on a work trip the week of my due date which I know she’d previously said no to as she didn’t want to miss meeting my baby.'

OP needs to do what's best for her. If she wants her close friends to visit and see her baby before her mum and sister because they are still not talking to OP, then she is not being unreasonable to do this.

Her mum and sister sound very childish.

Nailapp · Yesterday 07:35

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Nailapp · Yesterday 07:35

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Original poster
Neverendingsummer26 · Yesterday 07:53

Italiangreyhound · 25/08/2026 19:56

You did nothing wrong. But I think it is a shame you refused the initial shower from your mum and sister.

My Mum & Sister love going over the top with balloons arches and temu tat for events which just isn’t me. For my hen do my sister bought a whole pile of crap for party bags for everyone when I would have preferred her to use the money towards nicer alcohol for everyone.

So this time I decided to put my foot down

OP posts:
Nailapp · Yesterday 07:55

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Original poster
Neverendingsummer26 · Yesterday 07:57

Notquitethetruth · 25/08/2026 21:31

It does seem you prioritise your friends over your family. You organised the meal with your friends early so it seems to your Mum and sister you had prioritised your friends again. Your sister saw the pictures on social media before you told them what has happened. When did you tell them? Did you wait for your sister to contact you? I understand why they may have been hurt and felt excluded. Did you plan anything with your Mum and sister to celebrate your birthday in advance or was it just your friends who were considered?
Your friends were thoughtless not to at least contact family members to see if they would have liked to be included or at least contacted them to see if they were aware of anything else bring planned.

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I planned the bday get together because i don’t think I’ll be up to a celebration with 15 friends so close to my baby arriving.

Obviously my family will be coming over to see the baby so I don’t need a specific birthday celebration with them

OP posts:
Nailapp · Yesterday 07:58

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Nailapp · Yesterday 07:59

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ExtraOnions · Yesterday 08:00

…are you being entirely honest when you say you didn’t know your friends would turn the event into a baby shower? Was the “Birthday” a convenient cover story, so you didn’t have to put up with the “over the top” party from your sister” ?

Original poster
Neverendingsummer26 · Yesterday 08:00

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Nothing about a baby shower has ever come up in conversation with my friends - I’m the first of the group to have a baby so there is no precedence

OP posts:
Nailapp · Yesterday 08:00

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