Family fall out over ‘baby shower’

[Neverendingsummer26]

I’m pregnant with my first child and due next month. My mum & sister were really keen to throw me a baby shower but it wasn’t something I wanted so I politely declined their offer. I know they were really disappointed but nothing more was said about it.

My birthday is also next month so a couple of weekends ago I organised a dinner with all my friends as probably unlikely I will be able to celebrate this year.

I had absolutely no prior knowledge of this but my friends decided to turn my bday dinner into a bit of a baby shower with decorations and a few games and then a few of them put photos all over social media (I’m not on it myself). My sister saw the posts and she & my mum are absolutely livid with me, saying I’ve deliberately excluded them and always prioritise my friends over family.

Since then I’ve not heard anything from my sister although I have found out that she is now going on a work trip the week of my due date which I know she’d previously said no to as she didn’t want to miss meeting my baby.

I obviously appreciate that it could look like I did leave them out but I honestly had no idea what my friends were planning and I’m actually starting to get really annoyed that my last month of pregnancy is being over shadowed by this. AIBU to think I did nothing wrong and my mum & sister need to move on now ? After it all kicked off initially I said they could organise me a family one for the 3 of us but they didn’t want to

It's reasonable they are upset, but all you can do is tell them you didn't know it was happening.
"she is now going on a work trip the week of my due date which I know she’d previously said no to as she didn’t want to miss meeting my baby." - unless planned c-section, unlikely baby will arrive that week anyway so weird she said no to a work trip.

Have you explained to them that it was meant to just be a birthday meal and you had no idea it was going to be a baby shower?

Send them a text.

“ I didn’t organise the shower. I knew nothing about it. It’s sad that you’ve taken offence over this. I miss you two, can we put it behind us before the baby arrives? “

edited to add - and then leave the ball in their court. Don’t beg or plead.

They are being ridiculous

This is really good!

People are pathetic. They turn what is meant to be a happy and celebratory occasion into drama and falling out. Surely that’s not the point? Sounds to me like they just wanted the recognition and insta photos to prove what great people they are.

Id send a final message explaining that you didn’t know it was a baby shower but don’t apologise and don’t beg for their forgiveness. You’ve done nothing wrong. If they continue this ridiculousness when baby is here then it shows what shallow people they are.

Oh what a shame that they’re putting this unpleasant cloud over the last few weeks of your pregnancy.

They seem very self centred. I’d have refused a shower as well and it’s not your fault your birthday meal had a baby shower element to it. You didn’t know about it.

I think I’d reply and say “ this was my birthday meal with my friends. I had no idea that they were turning it into a baby shower. As you know, I didn’t want a baby shower so this wasn’t of my choosing. You have nothing to be offended over so please
don't spoil the last few weeks of my
pregnancy when I’m trying to relax ready to give birth. I’m finding this really upsetting”

If they don’t get a grip after that, they’re selfish arses.

Wow! Really? Ditch your closest female relatives over this?

Op I think you didn’t do anything wrong per se, but you didn’t actually consider your mum and sister’s feelings so I’m not surprised they’re a bit put out. You just happily went along with your friends’ plans but didn’t want to entertain theirs.

I don’t really understand why they are quite so upset though, I mean presumably they’ll be in the baby’s life quite a bit and don’t really need a ‘shower’ to see you! Are they normally a bit touchy and flouncy about stuff?

I can see them being disappointed. Were your friends unaware of you not wanting a baby shower? Also did they know it was a friend only meal?
It feels a bit weird that they turned it into a baby shower but no one invited your mum, sister and your partner's mum to it (unless they were under the impression they would be at the birthday meal).

This is absolutely horrible of them. Hardly anyone I know had showers/sprinkles for obvious reasons, and the fact you didn't want one is reason enough. Seems pathetic your mum is whining about social media posts and stressing you out, just shows you can't expect a grandma to be to necessarily be the mature, calm figure you want. I hope your MIL is better.
If they're all more interested in parties than in supporting you the way you want, take a step back. I'm not one who screams go NC, but keeping away from them when they're causing you stress at what should be a happy time is ok. I'd tell them not to get in touch until they're ready to apologise and do what you need at this time.
And watch out they're not planning a birth party and videographer to attend your delivery!

It's understandable they are upset. The photos tell a different story to what you have said to them. They feel like they were intentionally excluded.

It sounds like your sister has moved on and has made the choice to go away on a trip. Good for her. You should move on too.

Did your friends know you didn’t want a baby shower?
if your sister and mum had organised a surprise shower then you wouldn’t have known until you were there.
if your friends knew that you hadn’t otherwise had a baby shower then it would’ve been nice to invite your mum and sister. I know that this is what my friends would’ve done.

She went along with her friends’ plans because she only became aware of those plans at the actual event. So short of walking out, she couldn’t really have done much about it.

Anyone who is still cross after its been explained “I had no idea this was going to happen” is very unreasonable!

I can see why they would initially be upset, to be honest, but if you genuinely knew absolutely nothing about it, that's not your fault.

Do the social media posts not mention that it was a surprise baby shower?

You said they are saying you prioritise friends over family - have similar things happened before, or has this accusation come totally out of the blue?

I think your sister going on the work trip is fine by the way, unless she was meant to be your birthing partner. But obviously they shouldn't be ignoring you and so on, that's not nice.

Try not to get too stressed about it. These things usually blow over.....

I’d send them a message saying you had no idea your friends were going to turn dinner into a baby shower and that them ignoring you is stressful and not how you want to spend your last month. They’re being ridiculous and making life hard, rather pointlessly.

I think it was wrong of your friends, because your Sister and Mum wasn't there. Is there a big age gap between you and your sister, did you not think to invite her to the meal? Or say to your friends, could they not put pictures up? Did you tell your friends that you didn't want a baby shower?
Your sister feels cut out, why would she interrupt work, if your friends come first and she might not be allowed to meet the baby? Because I know I felt that I wasn't being allowed to buy PJs for my grandchildren, but their paternal great grandmother was. Then my DD explained that it was the only thing she trusted her to buy. So actually talk to your sister.

Is there any truth to you putting friends over family? I'd be pretty hurt at this and had you not already discussed with friends about not wanting a baby shower.

Did it not cross your mind when they were snapping pictures what was going to happen and it was going to ruffle feathers. I'd actually be pretty annoyed with my friends if they took pictures of me then put them on their social media especially if I didn't use it myself

They sound like exactly the type of people who want to plan a baby shower and then kick off when they're told no.